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Why won't husband admit to cheating even after getting caught?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 October 2008) 23 Answers - (Newest, 10 September 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, *herryblossom writes:

I am agonizing over the thought of accusing my husband of something as terrible as cheating. I have evidence; however, he continues to deny cheating on me and as a result we are in the process of getting divorced. I need to know from people who don’t know me or him if they think he’s cheated or not. He insists he would never do something so terrible and that he loves me very much. I know people tend to not admit when they’ve cheated, but wouldn’t someone admit if the marriage was at steak? That is what makes me think I might be falsely accusing him.

One night my husband was on the couch texting someone. He said that it was a kid, Joey, that he used to coach in wrestling. He said Joey’s dad was coming to get him at college and bring him home for the weekend and he was hoping to meet up with my husband for advice on whether to stay at the school on a wrestling scholarship or not.

About two hours after my husband left, I sent him a text message. He recently had done work on our house and I was admiring it. There was also a possibility that I was pregnant and I was excited about being a mom, so I wanted to let him know. Two very random topics, but anyways…

About an hour after that, I receive a text message. Fully expecting it to be my husband, I was surprised to find it form a number I didn’t know. It asks if me and my husband are happily married. I ask the person how she got my number and she said while my husband was in the shower at a hotel. I called and confronted my husband who said he was on his way home from dinner with Joey and that he wasn’t with any women. He called the number and said no one answered and insisted someone must be playing a trick on me.

I called the number and a woman answered. She said that my husband’s face looked weird when he received my text message. So when he went into the shower and she decided to check his phone. When she saw my text about the bathroom and being a mom, she knew something was up. He had told her we had been divorced for a while. So she wrote my number down and contacted me after he left. She said that he’d been cheating on me for several years.

My husband insisted that she was just psycho. He said she had wanted something more than a friendship with him and when he denied her she decided to ruin his life. He didn’t deny that they had been talking, which I didn’t know about, but he said he wasn’t with her that night. He said that she must have gotten my number when they worked together several years ago and that he’s been telling everyone about working on our house and us trying to have a baby so that is probably how she guessed what my text to him had said. Also, ironically, all of his text messages from that night were deleted and he had paid cash for dinner so he didn’t have a receipt from dinner.

Even in hindsight I didn’t have thoughts of him cheating on me. So I told him that we’d be okay and I wanted to just move on. About a week later I brought it up again. It was eating away at me. My husband got so angry about me bringing it up that he dropped me off at my parent’s house and basically told me our marriage was over. I was extremely upset so I told my parent’s the story and they agreed something wasn’t right. We looked up our cell phone bill and found out that my husband had been texting this woman that night for over two hours (52 messages between them) and had talked on the phone for a total of 15 minutes. There were no other texts to anyone else, so he had lied to me about texting with Joey that night. I confronted him and he denied the phone bill saying that it didn’t prove anything and he didn’t talk to her.

It took him over a week and me shoving the bill in his face for him to finally admit that he had been talking to her. He said he was afraid to tell me that night that he was texting her because of how I might react about what was just a friendship. I am not a jealous person or easily angered, so not sure why he was nervous to tell me.

It took him another three days to remember what they had been talking about. He kept insisting that she was the one that wanted something more from him. He said that night she was upset because she had just quit her job. He suggested that she not drive while being so upset and helped her find a hotel using his GPS. That was it.

I asked him to show me when he talked to Joey then to make plans for dinner if he hadn’t been texting him that night. He found a number that he didn’t know from the night before. He said that Joey must have called him from a phone number he didn’t know. He texted Joey about the number and Joey responded saying that it was his friend’s phone that he used to make plans with him for dinner because his phone had bad reception. I wasn’t there when he did the texting so I don’t know if he coached Joey on the response or not.

In the meantime, I decided to contact this woman again. I thought if she was making up the story, then I could catch her by asking her what he was wearing that night. She would most likely guess jeans and a shirt, but instead she said grey sweatpants, which is what my husband was wearing that night. She could also describe his tattoos, which my husband said she would know about from conversations they had, not because she ever saw them. He said because she is psycho she probably has remembered a lot of details about him in order to get to him later.

I also decided to call the phone number of Joey’s “friend” because Joey refused to talk to me. He told my husband he had done enough to help out, which I also found odd because if he looked up to my husband so much, wouldn’t he want to help him out. When I called the number, a 44 year old man answered. He said he didn’t know Joey, didn’t know anyone who attended Joey’s college, didn’t recently visit the state that the college is in, didn’t recently let anyone else use his phone and had this phone number for at least the last two months. Basically my husband’s alibi went out the window.

He has told his family that he didn’t cheat on me. He said that he feels terrible that he can’t prove his innocence, but that he would never do something so terrible to me. What if she really is psycho? She is not pretty at all so I don’t know what my husband would see in her and I could see why she has low self-esteem. He apologizes for the lies he told and how he acted through this whole ordeal, saying he didn’t know how to handle the situation because he was in such shock over her doing this. He has a history of saying mean things when he’s angry and said he knows he needs to see someone for it. If he loves me as much as he says he does, then why wouldn’t he admit to something like this if he did it? I told him that if he admitted what he did, that it didn’t mean our marriage would be over but would mean that we need major marriage counseling. Maybe he really doesn’t have something to admit? Or maybe I’m just too nice to want to hurt him by getting a divorce even though he hurt me.

View related questions: divorce, jealous, move on, tattoo, text

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A female reader, queen g United States +, writes (10 September 2014):

I know all too well about a cheating , my husband of twenty years been cheating for the past fourteen years and still lying I have proof I seen hotel footage of him and yet he still lies. I told him im divorcing him and to get counseling for himself, he is in denial of his indiscretions.

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A female reader, barbi0078 United States +, writes (15 August 2010):

Wonderingallthetime, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the agony and pain in which all the unanswered questions bring. In my opinion this is one of the cruelist things one could do to another, yet it happens so often... I have once again found myself with a person who has the nerve and the scum in their soul to do this. I got him red handed after acting a bit nutty.... ok plum crazy! I did things that I am very ashamed of in order to get the evidence I needed to put in his face only to have him deny it... in my case that's all I need, its all I want... somehow I'm going to have to find that trust and truth inside myself because he's not doing going to ever admitt it no matter how much proof I have or how solid it is. It hurts, but I do find comfort in knowing that I'm moving on and bettering myself without him, but also he has forced me to grow as a person in learning to trust myself. Good luck to all whom have been in the situation

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A female reader, barbi0078 United States +, writes (14 August 2010):

Wonderingallthetime, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the agony and pain in which all the unanswered questions bring. In my opinion this is one of the cruelist things one could do to another, yet it happens so often... I have once again found myself with a person who has the nerve and the scum in their soul to do this. I got him red handed after acting a bit nutty.... ok plum crazy! I did things that I am very ashamed of in order to get the evidence I needed to put in his face only to have him deny it... in my case that's all I need, its all I want... somehow I'm going to have to find that trust and truth inside myself because he's not doing going to ever admitt it no matter how much proof I have or how solid it is. It hurts, but I do find comfort in knowing that I'm moving on and bettering myself without him, but also he has forced me to grow as a person in learning to trust myself. Good luck to all whom have been in the situation

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A female reader, oneandonly?  +, writes (1 May 2009):

He cheated the proof is in ya face, and looks has nothing to do with nothing, these days looks aren't everything. And feel bad for wat? He didn't feel bad when he was fuckin her behind ya back so now wat? Every else he had turned out 2 be False, leave him, he's an asshole, you can do better, believe it or not there are man out there that don't cheat and ya husband is not one of them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009):

I was going to write you a long post but i wont bother since so many alrady have.

Yes your husband cheated on you, there is no one who here who thinks otherwise. Your instincts are 100% correct.

I think men dont admit it because;

they have lied so long that its a way of life

they want to make you look like the one with the problem

they want to save face among friends and family

and most of all

they want to save cash. You will get more in a divorce settelmetn if he can be proved to be unfaithul

Go have a coffee with the other woman. no doubt she loved him too and was hurt by his lies. She will be able to tell you about all the other times they have been together and remve any doubt what so ever

but i have to wan you. She may end up with him. some peoplke are so desperate they will be happy with sloppy seconds. many people on this site having affairs are just like this.

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A male reader, wonderingallthetime United States +, writes (18 April 2009):

I am so glad I read her story about her husband not fessing up and the answers from everyone. I have had a very simular situation and for someone to be caught in so many lies and still not only denie an affair but try to make it look like its YOU thats being mean and distrustfull and for over a year? Over a dozen lies and no effort to try to explain them? Are these type of people just down right mean or are they afraid? I have been guilty of feeling like I need the truth be told so I can forgive and accept it regardless of me staying or leaving. I must ask cherryblossom....Was it the fact that you knew he had an affair but would not admit it no matter how many lies he would tell you and no matter how obvious it looked to both of you? That has driven me crazy for over a year. The people that answered I think are right. Get out. But I still find myself very often trying to figure out if she (my ex) is just that mean by not telling and knowing how it can eat at you or are they sick and terrified of what you may think of them . Maybe terrified of what they would have to admit to themselves about who they are and what they have done. I would like to know. Mine too also said the phone bill was wrong and made up new stories as she went. Mine stayed all night with a black man and I think she was terrified of what some people would think. She said it was rape, but a week later took him fruit, then a month later the phone bill showed they talked sometimes everyday on the phone. Short talks but they had classes together. Then a third month untill I sent the man a few of her emails where she had been telling me the black man raped her. Yep, he was mad. At her and me! Why me? I would damn sure want to know if a woman had been telling somone I had raped her. She still wants to be with me . I am not that crazy. She still says she never liked him like that and it was rape. I think I may be the one that is crazy for listening to her for so long, but I am one that needs to know the truth so I can forgive, stay, leave, or just have somthing to accept and let go. This happened over a year ago and we have been divorced for five, but all along she keeps saying she wants us back the way we were. Sure me too, but that was only for two years, the other three overshadows the first two. She is cruel or sick and I just felt and still feel like I need to know, so I think I will re-read the answers you people wrote. Do you feel like you need to hear him tell you the TRUTH cherryblossom? Does that bother you as much or more than what he really did with that woman. I would like to hear what YOU people think if you have time. Somtimes you feel like a nut, and somtimes its because you are. But I'm aware of it!!!! I think.

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A female reader, bevssecrets United States +, writes (13 March 2009):

Get away from him ASAP and get a divorce. Don't look back and don't feel sorry for him in any way. Mine has done the same thing for 8 years I found out, is only nice to me as he does not want to lose assets in the divorce and be humiliated as she was 13 when they started screwing around. I have been to the DA as I got a little spy camera and found out he was drugging me and she was coming in at night they watching porn right next to me and screwing and more of my sleeping pills poured into my mouth as I slept later in bed at night and all 3 of us were in bed at night. I would have never believed all that has gone on in my life had it not been for a voice recorder hidden and a tiny video recorder on my nightstand at night and hidden in the house while I was away. We would go to the casino and he would go back home and come back later which the camera would show. I had to go to Dallas as my father was dying and he moved her in, they also have a 1 year old son and he is renting her a house across the street from our business so she walks across the street during the day. From the pills he put in my mouth while I was sleeping to keep me sleeping longer all but 4 teeth are basically gone from the enamal being ate off from the medications disolving in my mouth. Neer ever underestimate your thoughts or pain. I also recently found out I had ulcers in my vagina, he was putting sleeping pills up me when we were having sex and they ate holes in me, very painful. Please, you are worth so much more and deserve not having him in your life, we have been together for 33 years with 2 sons and I have lost most of my family as the others do not believe me but the DA and my dr. does as they see this all the time and said there is no way I could make any of this up. Please, do yourself a favor and your child if you are pregnant, don't waste your life on a looser, he will never change, never they just say what you want to hear. Please you only have one shot at life don't waste it on anyone but yourself and someone who makes you glow. Really love is such a precious thing and there is not anything that will turn him around, he is what he is and you will be ate up every day your together wandering where is his and what he is doing when your away from each other and he will stray again, it's in his blood and he will always put himself first and know you fell for his lies before and you will do it again. Please, leave and never talk to him again unless it is through your lawyer. It is so hard to do, I know but you know in your heart and gut what is right to do and what you will go through if you stay with him. The sooner you leave the sooner your life will be so much better and you will feel a huge weight off your back so very soon and not realize how horrible you have felt being with a liar, cheater and maybe an aids carrier, he is not worth it in any way, please do this for you and I swear to you as the days go by the easier it gets and happier you are, start making new memories don't look back at the ones that were all lies. I so hope your life is shinning so very soon and please don't fall in the trap to keep going back, it will never ever be what you have in your mind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008):

Hi,

My heart goes out to you because I have the same problem. My husband has gotten caught 3 times. In other words, that is all I know about. He does not lie after he is caught but that does not make it any better. The first time was less than a year after our marriage with a girl 25 years his junior. The second time was the exchange of letters with graphic intimate details to a girl at our church. He is a PASTOR of all things. The third was a month ago with his former church secretary. She was sending him porno shots of herself over her phone. I caught them and have every single shot she sent.

Well enough about me obviously I did not leave....but I should have. Each time he says he will get help. He never does or not long enough for it to make a difference. He is a porn addict also. I should have left the first time it happened. I though he would change and he has not. I would suggest ou go. Don't let him mind FU__ you like mine has done me. Don't believe him because from what you have written he is a liar and if he is lieing now he will continue. If it is not with her it will be someone else. I want to leave him so badly. We are actually living in different cities right now so I don't have to be around him that much. Only two weeks a month. I am trying to wait for 3.5 more years until my son graduates. At that point I plan on leaving. Right now I need the medical benefits from his job.Staying married to him will allow me to save up money so that when I leave him in 3 years I will be financially stable.

So in other words, I am using him too. That is the only reason I am staying right now.

You and your daughter deserve better than this. He will not kill himself and if he does then you continue to be the excellent mom you are now to your daughter. My daughters father died when they were very young and they turned out great. College grads and on their own. Your husband is jerk just like mine. Don't wait around to find out that he will not change like I did. It does not matter if he won't admit it...you know he cheated. He has to live with his own denial and his own lies. So what if he moves far away. Your daughter deserves better. If he won't admit it or get some help your life will continue to be a living hell.

Get away while you can. Don't wait like I did. If you can leave....go now.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008):

Lies have short feet and the truth always finds a way. The answer will come to you, even and most often when we are not looking for it...Just like love.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008):

"Why won't husband admit cheating even after getting caught?" Your husband is absolutely cheating on you! I am extremely confident in this answer because I went through something similar with my husband cheating on me. I finally left him after 15 years of marriage. I would have never believed he would have cheated on me, but I now know most men just can't seem to control themselves. They create another life for themselves - like a fantasy world - and then come home and shut it off. I think they even convince themselves it really is ok to do as long as the marriage stays stable.

Please don't mess yourself up over it like I did. Stay strong and don't fall prey to another man approaching you until you are absolutely ready and you know that he is not married!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008):

Hi there,

I am so sorry to tell you but your husband is a lier. They will lie to you and get friends to cover up there lies to the bitter end, even past the bitter end. Go make him take a lie detector test.

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A female reader, cherryblossom United States +, writes (28 October 2008):

cherryblossom is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for the advice. We were already going to marriage counseling before this happened for other reasons. Things were going good (good I guess meaning we weren't fighting) and then this happened.

He's willing to go to counseling with me, but I guess I don't see the point if he won't admit that he's cheated on me.

Its either more important for him to save face to his family and friends than admit this to me, or he didn't cheat. Again, the evidence screams cheating, but I just don't get how he could let us get divorced and just not admit it. That is why part of me wants to believe he's innocent.

I told him it didn't have to be over if he cheated on me, we'd just would need to see a counselor and see what would happen.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008):

Thanks everyone for the advice. We were already going to marriage counseling before this happened for other reasons. Things were going good (good I guess meaning we weren't fighting) and then this happened.

He's willing to go to counseling with me, but I guess I don't see the point if he won't admit that he's cheated on me.

Its either more important for him to save face to his family and friends than admit this to me, or he didn't cheat. Again, the evidence screams cheating, but I just don't get how he could let us get divorced and just not admit it. That is why part of me wants to believe he's innocent.

I told him it didn't have to be over if he cheated on me, we'd just would need to see a counselor and see what would happen.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

Guilty, guilty. guilty. He has been caught out and doesn't like it. People always become very angry and try to turn the tables on the other party when they have been caught. I admire you for contacting this woman and behaving so rationally under the circumstances. I suspect your husband has been cheating for a while but thought you would never find out. The woman is not a psycho and not making anything up and he has obviously fed her a load of lies and promised her more which is why she feels so strongly about saying what she does.

I have been to lots of marriage guidance and councelling myself and have not found it to work very well and one party always is more interested in it than the other party that has been dragged there but if he wants to save his marriage then he is going to have to put the effort in and go. The simple fact of the matter is he has been actively cheating and he has noe been found out and trapped so he does not know what to do to get out of it other than lie some more. My ex husband did the same and I pushed hotel bills and mobile records in his face and he still lied and lied. He never admitted it although there was irrefutable proof. I would go home to your parents for a while or ask him to move out as he is not playing fair and is trying to make you think you are crazy by thinking these things about him. For your own mental sanity accept the fact that he is cheating and ask him to leave for a while until you can think more clearly. Be calm and logical and think of yourself. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

You will never trust him again anyway and he is obviously cheating / has cheated. I think you don't want this evidence to be true - which is honourable and kind but it won't help you deal with facts.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

Girl your wasting to much time rehashing this! Yes its hard to even grasp the reality of what just happened to you! And even worse betrayal by someone who is to be your partner in life is the worse! You have to stop making yourself crazy and realize he's a cheater! Either you do one of two things forgive him or leave him! Remember if you do stay it sounds like he's a habitual cheater and liar and this won't be the last time your gonna go thru this! My husband did it from the beginning and I forgave him over and over till my heart couldn't take it know more! One more thing don't try to get pregnant for the relationship! Don't bring a baby up in this mess! It won't solve anything and it might make him really not wanna be in this marriage! Moving on is hard but you have to realize your worthy of being truely loved!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

He has cheated on you for one and for two he's not going to admit because men have a hard time being truthful [i think] when it comes to cheating because they think us women will think that everything we have had are lies which might not be the case....they don't want to lose out and have us think they don't love us so I hope this makes sence....men don't want to lose our trust,so they LIE EVEN WHEN THEY ARE CAUGHT!!

HOPE THIS HELPS*

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

Dear Poster

I have empathy with you; i can understand that you are hurting and that you are confused; yes, I can understand that something deep inside you want to believe, or is hoping that he is innocent; but I am afraid, based on the information that you have posted, there is no logical explanation for his innocence. All the evidence is staring at you, in fact shouting at you; he CHEATED.

You have two choices: 1. You accept that he lied and cheated; you give him another chance; you go for counseling and try make this marriage work; (not what I would recommend or suggest). 2. Alternatively you proceed with the divorce and move on. Start a new life for yourself. You deserve better then to be with a man that tells lies and cheat on you;

I do not believe you could ever really trust or believe him. Personally I think you should move forward; think about yourself and your future. Get your divorce and start a new life.

Best wishes; keep us posted.

Always try to keep SMILING.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

This woman sounds nice... if she didn't genuinely believe you two to be divorced, I doubt she would have even bothered to call you when her suspicions too became aroused.

It seems to me, based on what you have written here, that this man is playing both of you. And that both of you should be turning all your energies to bringing tis sleaze down.

Stand up for yourself woman, or men like this will walk over you for the rest of your life.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

If he admitted it , it would be the end of the marriage. If a man wants to save a marriage , he has to deny it at all cost.This will create doubts in the wife and she may not leave since she cannot be 100% sure that she is right.

Think carefully if you are choosing the divorce road.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

Oh honey, I think he is definitely cheating. I recently broke up with my boyfriend for not being honest about an ex. I had all the evidence, spoke with the ex and everything he just refused to tell the truth.He admitted to little things that happened but wouldnt admit to the real bad things. I guess by them owning up to some of it they believe that it looks better for them and that we will believe that they are telling the truth when denying the the cheating bit. Why they do this when they know they have been caught I don't know. How long have you been married? are there kids involved? You don't deserve this, no one does.It's best to just get out, who knows when or if he'll do it again. But, if you feel that this can be worked out and you two want to work on your marriage I agree with the first reader and most definitely seek counseling.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (27 October 2008):

rcn agony auntI'd have to say your right about his cheating. If he was just dropping her off, she wouldn't have had time to get his phone for your number, or access to his phone.

You know you don't deserve to be with someone who's cheating on you. Not only that but he avoids the truth, and doesn't take responsibility for his actions. She doesn't seem to be a psycho. If she was, you wouldn't be calling her back, she'd be calling you to cause trouble often.

Not being open about communications and such and with who is wrong as well. If you stay with him, counseling is highly recommended. Even with, both of you would have to be fully into making your marriage work.

Hope this helps. Take care.

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A male reader, zelgamer United States +, writes (27 October 2008):

zelgamer agony auntI wish I could better advice, but I'm not going to step in on whether he cheated or not.

What I will say is, regardless, before divorce, I recommend marriage counseling. This means you are still willing to save the marriage, if he is up to it that means he is too, and if he did cheat, you are giving him one more chance to admit to it.

This does sound very shady and lying about things, is never good. I've lied to my wife once, something very small, very small, but she found out, and it was then I realized how lying could seriously effect marriages. The fact that I lied about that and was so quick, and easy to do, is very disturbing to the both of us, and I'm glad I was caught with this little "white" lie before I got in a comfort zone where I could lie more easily.

Lying is bad, and the fact that he lied about him talking to her, is very bad, and your trust in him should be shaken. The rest though, like I said, sounds very shady.

I believe divorce should be the absolute last resort, if you go to marriage counseling with him, or strongly push it, you know you gave it your all, because you love him.

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