A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The trouble is im in a long distance relationship and only get to see my BF for about 4 days a month or even 2 months. So when i'm home i cant keep my hands off him i want to kiss him and hold him and be intimate with tell him how much i miss him and love him, spend all my time with him, but he seems to have a problem with this ... In the whole 2 years we've been together he's found it hard to initate sex with me which i later found out was he used to be anorexic 3 years prior to meeting me and found it very hard being naked infront of me sonetimes which i can apreciate, but am i selfious to think that when i see him for those 4 days out of 2 months and he wont touch me let alone make love with me, am i wrong to feel bad about this given his past? He would much rather we went out with his friends on a night out than spend time alone. I'm just so confused right now. I feel really bad knowing what he went through it kills me, he says he loves me more than anything and want to make me happy, theres no question that i love him, but those 4 days we spend together should be so precious to us ... help please im going out of my mind
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anorexic, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AgonyMalika +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Your definatly not being selfish.
I personally prefer long term realtionships because it feels more special when you see your gf/bf, but if your bf dosen't (as you put it) touch you, he's probably feeling a little shy.
If you want him to touch you, don't rush maybe start off with hugging him and the more time you do this the less shy he will become for you know he might want to touch you but dosen't know if you would appricate that.
A
female
reader, XxAngelDust89xX  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 I dont think you are being selfish it just sounds like your Boyfirend has some self esteem problems. Whenever you see him tell him "Hey that shirt looks sexi on you or "You loo kreally hott today" Complement him whenever you see him. Help him build his self esteem back up. I was like that for a while. I wasn't anorexic, but I was extremely self consnsious,but my husband costanly complmneted me til i came out of my shell. Evne if this doesnt work with your boyfriend, I'm sure he will be flattered but all the attention and Might gorw o love you even more!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (26 January 2008):
you didnt state how long youve known this guy, if its been a while and your in love maybe you should ask him to go see a therapist. It is not selfish of you to want some attention especially since you dont see eachother everyday, I would do the same. This may sound crazy and I dont want to be disrespectful but do you think its something else??? could he maybe be gay? This happened to a friend of mine (her boyfriend never wanted to make love he wanted to hang out with friends and watch tv she ALWAYS had to come on to him) turns out hes gay! just a thought. Not sure how well you know him. if things dont change soon move on....good luck.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (25 January 2008):
 Just talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel and tell him how attractive you think he is. He sounds like he really has no self confidence and needs to be built up. So, build him up. Tell him how much you love him and appreciate him. Tell him that he doesn't have to be scared with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): You are NOT being selfish!! It sounds to me like he needs some serious therapy. The problems hes having are in his head and have nothing at all to do with you. You have every right to want to be alone with him when you have the chance. He can hang out with friends when you aren't there. I would try and find out if he has had any help with this. If not you might try gently suggesting some therapy. If he rejects this and things stay the same, you will have a difficult decision to make. Its great for someone to say they love you, but without physical closeness you and your relationship will continue to suffer. Have you tried talking to him about ways to make him more comfortable? Like having the lights out or have him leave a t-shirt on. Please don't feel bad about wanting to be close to the person you love. That is the natural way of love. I hope he gets help and the two of you can find a way to be happy, but don't waste years of your life on someone who refuses to get help. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone you have to put your mental wellbeing first.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (25 January 2008):
 Its probably as you said he just is still uncomfortable being naked infront of someone. And the best thing you can do is just sit there and tell him that he shouldnt dread over the past and let it hurt your future. Tell him that you find him attractive and that its hurting you that he seems to want to remain distant. And tell him everything u told us.
We dont know how much its bothering u unless u tell us sometimes. Even if it is ovius. And if this doesnt help you should just help him get past him by giving him support. But you shouldnt feal guilty for wanting to do these things especially if u rarely see him. But you also need to understand things from his point of view as well.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Neboraic +, writes (25 January 2008):
I think he should try to overcome this. He is not fulfilling your physical needs, relationships are made up of two pats, the mental side (the connection) and the physical part.
Im not trying to paint him as the bad guy, although i dont totally understand (being an underweight male myself), i sympathise, many people have this problem, usually its the story of an overweight woman on a lose weight show (which i can understand).
My advice is the same to all people with a fear. Take small steps. If hes a good guy (which he sounds like) he will make the effort (and do something he doesnt want to do) to make you happy, thats what you do in relationships (both romantic and non romantic).
I feel that this should be something that heals him (mentally after the anorexia) and makes him feel better about himself, hopefully it will get to that point.
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