A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:Last night my girlffriend was annoyed with me and continued berating me even after we had gone to bed.In short she was angry with me for not contacting her as soon as I arrived home. The background goes like this. I work full time and have early starts and sometimes I don't get home until 7.30pm. Often I have some preparation for the next day. I very rarely have time to do anything for myself outside of work in the week. Yesterday I decided to take something in to the repairer after work. This takes about 3 hours round trip if I just drop it off. I sent a message to my girlfriend saying I'd like to get this done because it had been waiting around for a couple of weeks and I hadn't found time to take it. I sent a text saying I would drop it off and then asked her if she wanted to go for a meal afterwards or meet me in town - given that I would still be wearing my work suit. She sent a message telling me about some propert she had been viewing on the internet but she didn't reply to my suggestion to meet up in town so at the end of my day I sent another message to which she also didn't reply. Sometimes she is busy and doesn't reply and most of the time she doesn't like talking on the phone so I didn't phone. My girlfriend does not work.I travelled in to town on the train after parking at the station and dropped off the item for replair, called in to grab a soft drink and a sandwich as I hadn't eaten since mid-day and returned home at about 21.50. My girlfriend was not at home so I started doing the laundry. At 23.45 she returned. Straight away she asked how long I had been back and why I hadn't contacted her about going for a meal. I told her what time I had returned and that I assumed that she wasn't keen as she hadn't replied to my texts so I thought we would would have something at home. She didn't listen and continued to question me until 01.45am. I asked her if she had been out with friends - (She has a rent free space where she likes to persue her creativity) - and she said no but that she had been at her studio all evening. This is something she does regularly and even though I only get to see her in the evenings she like to be there until 9 or 10pm sometimes. It used to bother me because it meant that in the week I was always tired when she returned and that we would start cooking and eat a little late.My girlfriend was angry that I hadn't contacted her as soon as I returned. Later it turned out that she had lied to me about being at her studio and that she spent the evening in a local bar 'waiting for me to contact'. I would like to state her also that many times I have waited all evening for her when she goes out. She often never gives me any warning and a couple of times she has not returned until the next day saying she stayed witha friend. I have picked her up and 3am or 4am in the morning even if I am up at 6am for work. On my side I am sometimes caught in traffic that will increase my jouney too and from work to 2 hours or more. I very rarely meet friends or do anything on my own outside of work. I don't understand what more I could have done but I would appreciate any advice or observations you may have.Thank you for your time.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Sometimes we neglect to spend time with each other in relationships.
What she's upset about is that it was Friday night, and she probably wanted to surprise you with something, and you being unawares, did something for work which --- she didn't agree with.
But unfortunately, she's assuming like you're assuming that both of you are mind readers and know deep-down each others' emotional states.
I think probably communications and time management are the big thing here.
You need to talk to her about this and tell her you think she's mad at you for not coming home right away after work. And she probably thinks the job is stealing you away from her.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 October 2009):
You need to sit down with her and let her talk. Ask her if she's happy. It sounds to me like she's feeling neglected. That doesn't mean you're bad, it just means that perhaps more time talking together might help. Just talk to her and get her to speak to you. And listen.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 The way I see it, your girlfriend is probably not happy about the fact you work too much or has other dissatisfactions and this failed night out for dinner only gave her an outlet to release some of the heavy burden she was carrying lately. Maybe it's purely in her nature to act like this. She could very well have called you to confirm her availability for the night, instead of assuming you know what she wants you to do, this was very childish of her. It seems to me there are other things not working well for you two apart from this incident, you probably have spent too little time together lately to realise it's necessary to talk more seriously about yourselves, to explore more ways to make each other content and happy, etc. It also doesn't seem she communicates very much so it is surprising she wants you to contact her when she sounds quite disconsiderate of you, at least in this regard: "...when she goes out. She often never gives me any warning and a couple of times she has not returned until the next day saying she stayed with a friend". A little late at your ages for you to be changing your ways though, as it seems you are not always at the same page. How does she feel about her being unemployed... and you working so hard? I have recently heard this following idea from someone who works a lot while his partner doesn't, that she made it possible for him to earn a lot while not complaining when he was working from early in the morning until late in the night. People react differently to similar circumstances though. Your partner may not tell you, she may not complain, but she might be bothered about something nevertheless, however the way she is handling this sounds quite childish. The fact it should matter who calls first or at all is absurd. If something feels unclear or wrong, she should as well initiate the procedures to clear that up by some effective communication: "I was waiting for you to specify the time and the place but since you haven't, I am asking you, or suggesting you this restaurant and time" etc. You should also prefer calls to texting as texts can be unclear as you can see. But, again I will say, something more complex could be happening there that you need to fathom. And it could go as far as an unfit partner, if your relationship is generally troubled. It should instead be very clear for both what needs to be changed in order that you are both content, and that implies an open and effective talk, an active search for solutions, and much more. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): There is nothing more you could have done!! You made the original contact to let her know that you would be home late and you also suggested taking her out. You even sent another message to which you had no reply. You are not this girls keeper and you are not a mind reader. If she does not reply to your texts, then it is not your problem. I think you both need to sit down, and talk this through, and work out some bounderies, without these this situation is only going to happen again. If you love her, and you want this to work, then all you can do is ask her the reason why she reacts this way, and explain to her you feel there is nothing more you can do. L x
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