A
female
age
36-40,
*i_the_tree
writes:So, here i am again...still as confused as ever. My ex and I split up 5 months ago after being in a 3.5 year relationship. within a few days he was seeing someone else, as she had been sniffing round for a long time. It hurt me alot when they got together and he knew this, and would tell me that the reasons he was with her was because she was honest and didn't lie to him (i had kept stuff from him in the past) which of course hurt me more. He was adamant that he never wanted to speak to me again so i left him alone.However, slowly he began emailing a txting me, saying that he felt like he couldn't carry on without me and wanted to see me and stuff. Now I still love him alot so agreed to meet with him on several occasions. Over time these meetings became more frequent, and he would tell me more and more how he missed me, but he was still confused about things and didn't know what he wanted.Now, i never expected hism and his gf to last this long, as recently she had been giving him grief about me, but he just told to stop being a pain (i can kind of understand where she was coming from).So, last week i noticed on facebook that she had ended the relationship with him, and there was an incident where she was out with another guy and had her phone switched off. So he went mad and told me that it felt the same as when i had lied to/kept stuff from him in the past. A day or 2 after this incident, they got back together.Now what i don't understand is this, when he found out that i'd been keeping stuff from him, he would immediately dump me, not speak to me for a couple of weeks, then we'd slowly talk about it and get back together. But with her it only takes a day or so. To this day he tells me that he loves me and cares about me a hell of alot and he says he can't give up on me and that he doesn't want to....so why on earth is he still with his gf??? He tried to have a nap yesterday but ended up txting me saying he couldn't sleep because he automatically started thinking about things with me when he closed his eyes. He says that he doesn't love his gf, but that she loves him. Now as much as i dislike his gf, i don't think it's fair on her really and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.I've told him over and over again that i wish i was the girl that got to be with him all the time, he says he is greatful that i'm still a part of his life but i don't just want to be part of his life, i want to be it!! I just don't get why he's bothering with her, if he doesn't feel about her the way she feels about him, and constantly tells me that he loves me and misses me...I just wondered what peoples thoughts were on this, reckon i could end up with some mixed reactions...Thanks for reading :)
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (18 November 2010):
fi_the_tree is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to everyone for your answers.
Yes i am tired of feeling miserable about the whole situation, but that doesn't mean that i'm not out with friends and enjoying my life. I am, and i feel good doing it, although i do still love my ex, i'm not moping all the time over him.
To blackhearts: I think i should tell him what i have put here, might force him to sit up and think that he's hurting both girls, and it may shock him into a decision that doesn't go my way, but at least then i can try and move on fully knowing that i said all i have to say.
To CindyCares: I've sat many times and thought that there is no point in playing second fiddle anymore, then randomly he'll txt me and we'll get talking and i kinda forget about it.
To Cerberus: Nicely worded!! Your post made me want to laugh and cry at the same time, but i really took on board what you said, and in all honesty i do feel humiliated by it all, and i need to do something about it!
To the anon poster: You're right, he did choose her over me and that is still very raw, but for some reason i still cling to hope. Actions do speak louder than words and i would like to tell him this.
So currently i am in the middle of writing down everything i would like to say to him, i don't know if i could actually tell him using my words because i would probably fall apart, but i tend to write to him when i have things i want to tell him but can't do it face to face. The letter is very honest and i have not sugar coated it to spare his feelings etc. So once that is finished i would like him to actually read it, then it'll go from there. We do still speak regularly, virtually every day now, whereas before he would only txt me every 3-4 days or so.
So thanks agin guys, i really want to get everything off my chest, then at least i'll feel better!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): If he loved you and not his girlfriend he would be with you and not his girlfriend. He is lying to you. Men say alot of things, that is why it is important to judge what they mean by their ACTIONS. He is with her not you, therefore, he loves her not you. He is just keeping you around cause he knows you still care about him and in case it doesn't work out with the current girlfriend he will have you to fall back on. (Sorry to be so honest).
The reason he gets back with her in two days and with you it took longer to make up is because the situations are different. You for whatever reason were lying to him and concealing information, she however, wasn't lying to him. You said with her she was mad that he was contacting you so she ends up breaking up with him and going out with another guy (clearly to make him jealous). She wasn't lying to him. She merely gave him a little scare so he would straighten up. Which apparently worked to some extent.
Truth is the guy left you for another chick. Even though he is contacting you now, it is not to get back with you. You are really selling yourself short by keeping in contact with him. You don't deserve to be treated like a back up. That's what you are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Why not? He has two women to string along and fool around with. Why would he get back with you when you'll stick around even though he's with someone else? He doesn't have to do anything with you because you'll give him all he needs no matter how bad he treats you. Trust me, he's treating you horribly.
But it's cool, you'll still put up with it because you love him. So he gets to have an emotional affair with you and he gets sex from this other girl too. It's win/win for him. He has one girl that doesn't have enough pride, dignity or self worth to tell him to do one and he has another new girl that he can bone and have fresh sex with, when it goes bad with her a nice love-fool waiting for him in the background. Not a bad situation for him at all. Why would he want to change that? That's perfect, he can complain to you about her and then complain to her about you. Gotta give the guy some credit he's got it made. He has two suckers that will do anything for him and he gets to be a weepy, soppy little boy and get what he wants from both of you. That's pretty cool actually.
Except that's not the ideal situation for you now is it? No, you're just getting hurt, you don't like being that other woman, the one he uses for emotional comfort. The one he lies to about his feelings to keep sweet. The one he gives just enough to keep around but never what she truly wants. I bet you feel like a fool don't you? I bet this is making you feel really horrible, confused, empty, worthless. Is this really how you want to feel, is this really how he would make you feel if he truly loved you too?
No it's not, he chose her but he doesn't like the idea of not having you to play with too. He wants his cake and he;s getting it too. Something has to give and it shouldn't be you. He;s giving you nothing at all worth staying for only words and a pathetic sob story worth nothing because it's not backed up by actions.
You know what, you need to decide what it is you truly want. If you want him then enough of these stupid fecking games, enough of this hanging around in hope, feeding off his lies and the scraps of bullshit he feeds you. make one last final demand, love is not worth misery. It's just not. Start thinking with your head about your long term future, is doormat what you really see as being best for you?
Move on, he chose her. Stand up and be counted, stop letting yourself be this guys fool and do something about this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 If he says something then he does something else totally
different ( he says he loves you BUT he is with his new gf )... well, what he says cannot be the whole truth right ?
Anyway tryng to read people's minds is often fruitless and frustrating. So, rather than figuring out what he really wants, figure out instead what YOU really want.
You don't want just to be part of his life ? Don't be it.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
If you don't want to play second fiddle- tell him, and stop at once playing second fiddle. Your ex may decide to come back- or to stay with his current gf. But at the very least you'll be out of this limbo !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Your ex boyfriend seems very confused. Perhaps he's only staying with her because remember you did split up for a reason. Maybe he doesn't want to go down that road again and 'get hurt' again?
Seems he likes the 'two women' life. You need to meet up with him and tell him what you just said, that you don't want to be just 'part of his life' and someone you're just seeing now and again every chance he's got away from his girlfriend. You should tell him if he misses/loves you so much then to give it another go with you, as it's not fair on his girlfriend anyway.
And about his girlfriend doing that to him.. Ever thought he used to react worse when you done stuff because it hurt him more as he loved you more?
In my opinion he seems a slime ball. It's not fair what he's doing to his current girlfriend and you need to tell him it's not fair and if he does feel that way as he explained, then to do something about it. I'd give him the 'me, or her' choice.
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