A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This question is about marriage.I have been married one time for almost 26 years until it was actually until death due you part.I am aware that alot of society has a "disposable marriage" policy. You know, if this don't work I will just divorce you and marry someone else. I am not an advocate of the policy.My boyfriend has been married 3 times. Once as a teenager,(he got a mom instead of a wife) which lasted just a few months, again at 22, which lasted for an even shorter amount of time,(she cheated) and then again at 25, for a much longer time, but he says that after 6 months he was ready to get out,(she cheated) but due to children he hung on.He asked me to marry him after only a month of dating. I said no. I don't even really even know you and you don't really know me. Lets wait for the dust to settle, so to speak. Thats when the real person starts to show their selve. Snippy, but I told him "you have done this three times before.... how did it work out for you"? We have been together for 17 months now and he has thrown all sorts of hints out there about getting married. I don't respond. He is determined. My questions are: How can marriage be special if you have done it so many times?Does he have a short attention span after the marriage?Silly, but is it just the thrill of the chase? Is he going to lose interest a few months after the ceremony?It scares me. Anyone one with any info on this subject?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey separated in 2001. Divorced in 2008, (which he lied about). he has had a couple of semi-serious relationships since then. But had been single for a couple years when I met him.
I hold this against him. I know its wrong but I do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis mother and father gave him up at 2 years old. He has done some pretty stupid shit just so he could "fit in" later in life.
His first marriage was when he was 17 or so to an older woman--22. Okay we all know that was hormones and a large amount of liquor, which she was of age to buy. He says that he got a mom instead of a wife.
His second marriage (which he lied to me about all together) was at 22 to K, a girl that had been his best friends--R's girl friend,(which my bf and her had had sex several times behind this friends back when R and K were broke up.(around 17) Then R and W (my man)had a motorcyle wreck amd R got killed. W and K got together about a year later and K gets pregnant (while W is still legally married to wife #1 but separated). W goes into the army without marrying her. No contact. He comes home on leave, she looks him up a couple times, she never brings the baby, they just hook up while he is in town. He says the baby was 3 years old before he met her. K and W get together, she wants to get away from her mom, so he marries her (duty, obligation, watching out for his best friends woman...survivors guilt played a large role in this also). Okay, they get to the foreign country he is stationed in and he actually walks in and catches her with another man. A superior to him. she is shipped back to the states , and finds out that she is pregnant again. But, whose baby is it? They were married on paper for 5 months. They attempt a reconciliation which did not work out..He was shocked that she would cheat on him! Idiot in my opinion, if she was cheating with you on someone else, why would you think she would be faithfull to you? He never contacts her or the kids.
the third time, he meets a woman that i guess totally blew him away. A city girl, beautiful. She has 2 children (one of which is black, no prejudice here , but a sure telltale sign that she has cheated on her ex-husband as the baby was born while she was married to him when the baby was conceived and born (and she got the ex to sign the birth certificate and the next day the husband comes back to the hospital to find his name is on a black baby's bed. (Clue #1) The child is innocent in all of this. She thought this was funny. "If the SOB is that stupid, let him sign the birth certificate." Her words. Of course a divorce soon followed. The first time that W and her are on a date she tells him that she actually is dating a married man,(clue # 2) but has no ties to him (geesh). She tries to hook W up with one of her friends. They wind up in a motel for what he calls the hottet sex he has ever had (the married boyfriend was suspicious i guess because she told W "Not getting caught is half the fun". Clue #3.
His work involves travel and during the first 6 months they are happy. Then he catches her cheating. (who would have thunk it) They are separated for about 6 months. She flies to see him and foregoes the info that she stopped taking her pill. Soooo....there is another baby on the way. He says that he is very upset, he does not want another child, but he said that he "manned up" with this baby. He takes her back, the baby is born premature and she never goes to see the baby in the hospital. By this time he is emotionally attached to the kids, hers and his. He catches her cheating again, and using cocaine, meth, and heroin. He watches his beautiful woman become a slug (his words). Financial ruin, infidelity, and drugs. But his sense of duty is strong. She puts him through hell. after 11 years of marriage, he goes to codependency counseling and gets the courage to leave her and the kids (which he says is the major factor in why he stayed to start with. He leaves her. The house burns down under suspicious circumstances and now her and the kids have no where to go....so he helps her. AND she dumps the kids on him on Christmas eve. They were actually together 11 years but 18 years on paper. She would not divorce him. She got remarried to someone else while still married to W. This is his leverage he used to finally get a divorce.
I find it hard to deal with. If i married him, i would have to say that i was his 4th wife. Geesh.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): From what you've said, I think you're wise to be cautious - but more because of his urgent desire to marry after such a short space of time than because of his history.
He might just have been very naive and unlucky in those marriages, and they've made him realise what he REALLY wants in life.
However, if he is serious about being with you, then he'll be prepared to slow things down and not rush you. This persistence implies (but I may be wrong!) a neediness on his part, which isn't healthy. How long since his previous marriage ended?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 November 2010):
 I think those are all valid questions. And I think you should ask him.
I don't know how his mind works or how he was raised, so I can only guess.
I think your BF is slightly immature, but think the "grown up" thing to do is to marry the woman he is with. Maybe he really doesn't know what LOVE is? But he does know what is "expected" of the male (to propose at some point).
Can it be special if he's been married 3 times before, you ask. Yes, it is what you two make it. The past needs to stay in the past.
I doubt it's the thrill of the chase with your guy, but there is no way in Hades I would marry him, unless he could answer your questions face to face.
Also I think talking to your pastor/priest/rabbi (if you belong to a faith) Talk about marriage and what it means to each of you. You may not have the same ideas.
My husband was married briefly (at age 18-20) It didn't work out for them (she left) - I don't think the fact that he has a "failed" marriage in his past is a determination for how he will do in the marriage with me (been married 12 years now). It is what you make it.
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