A
female
age
30-35,
*ilverVintage
writes:I apologize for the long post! This is not a post about me bashing my mother, I would never do that. It is also not meant to be disrespectful. I do love her and respect her and I’m sure she loves me to a degree. My mother and I will probably never have a close, personal relationship. I'm at my breaking point with her and want to move forward with my life. I do not want to continue to be around jealousy, negativity and the drama she brings around because of her own insecurities and upbringing that she has refused to help for. I'm 20 years old and my mom has always been somewhat rude and mean toward me, especially when it came to myself esteem. Growing up, I don’t recall her conveying to me that I was pretty, beautiful or any other uplifting things to me. She didn’t teach me about self-confidence or self-esteem but feels the need to always tear me down. I've always had a body issue and suffered from low self-esteem. I'm tall and naturally thin. I can’t gain weight for anything in the world and people have always commented on what I look like and state hurtful comments. Over the years, I've worked on ignoring those individuals, but my mother is constantly belittling me. She does it to other people as well, but because she knows how I fell, she does it to me. She is always telling me I look "disproportionate, my lips are too full, my eyes are too big, my haircut is ugly, I'm too lanky and it looks weird, my head is big for my body." We got into a big argument about the same thing because I lashed out at her and she got pissed. I'm upset because not too long ago, I told her something that happened when I was a young teenager and she said in so many words “You don't have anything to look at." Maybe I read into it too much, I’m not sure. I'm not saying she didn't care about what happened because she was very upset. However, she understands why I didn’t tell her sooner. I was afraid and although I did tell the adult who I was with at that time(my mom wasn’t with me), I took me a while to tell my mom. I feel as if a heavy weight has been lifted off of me but I feel guilty for keeping it from her. I'm still affected by it and it has affected my feelings about myself hard. She's known for years how I've felt about myself and she has constantly played on it over the years, I think. It’s been years since we’ve spent time with each other because I don’t feel she cares. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to allow anyone, even if it is my mother to put me down. While I have a few suspicions, I have no idea why she is like this. My mother is not a curvy, buxom woman herself. This lady is petite (5'4) she has no definite shape. She was in the military so she is a LITTLE muscular. She also ran track throughout her school years. It’s not in our family genes to be big women. My mother was a skinny girl growing up, maybe not as small as me, just 10 lbs. heavier according to my nana. I've come to dislike myself physically because there is no type of support and I don't feel attractive at all. Now, I've gotten compliments from other people but I don't trust anyone so I don't know whether they are just being nice. There was a time I wanted to be a model because I saw females who looked like me (just taller) and it inspired me but my mom shot it down each time. She said I was too ugly, it wasn't an ideal career, I wouldn't make it because there is nothing special about me etc... She ruined my aspirations to do it. She doesn't like my prom pictures because she said I look weird, not attractive and I should have picked out a different dress. Mind you, she didn't have a hand in picking out my prom dress because I didn't live with her for two years (junior and senior year of high school). This is not the only thing that she does to provoke me. She swears up and down I'm jealous of her "new" relationship with her "new" boyfriend. I've never had boyfriend in my life (insecurities and shyness) but why would I be jealous of a 43 years olds relationship with a 50 something years old man?! She is forever saying "You don't want me to be happy and you’re just jealous." I don't really care the man anyway because when I was younger (in my early teenage years), he would make decisions on what my mom should do with me and that was not his place. When my high school graduation rolled around, she threatened not to come to my accomplishment because I said I didn't want to invite him and she threw a temper tantrum. As a college student now, I try to have minimal contact with her because it’s not just my physique she terrorizes, it’s also her inability to connect with my on a mother and daughter level. She doesn’t listen to me, nor can she just be proud me whenever. She is forever comparing me to other people’s kids. Her boyfriend comes first, her job comes first. She has also treated the dog better than me. When she disciplined, she took all of the necessities that I needed to survive. She’d take away the house key and kick me out at 4 in the morning to wait for my school bus, which didn’t come until 6 am. When I got home from school 3 or 4pm), I’d have to wait until 6 or 8 on the stoop for her to come home. She would occasionally call the police on me for no reason just to lie and say I was being rebellious. I have never given her a reason , I promise you, for her to do what she does. She even starved me. Ex: I had to have been around 15 (before I moved out) and the “discipline” was in, affect, she wouldn’t allow me to eat for some days, of course my neighbors were incredibly kind and took me in. I ate at school and their house. One weekend, my neighbors were out and I didn’t eat all day. My mom asked me was I hungry (she knew I was and I wasn’t allowed to touch food inside the house), went to McDonalds and bought burgers and fries. She came back and said she brought some food. When I came downstairs, she was feeding the meal to the dog. I just cried when I went back to my room because it was so hurtful, I didn’t care about the food, it was the ACT of what she did. That’s was one of the moments (along with her judgment on my physical traits) that fueled my dislike for her. I don't know what her problem is but it’s hurtful mentally, physically and emotionally and don't know how to deal with it. I want to feel better about myself because it’s not just her that irks me, I've had to deal with the racism that I was subjected to by the people I identify with. I’m a very fair skinned mixed female. When I was a child in grade school, I got Vanilla Sandwich Crème Cookies put into my mailbox or cubby hole. I didn’t have many friends growing up in that world because apparently, I wasn’t “black enough” so to speak. Not to make this whole post about the negative side of my mom because she is a caring woman who made the moves to integrate me with greater diversity. She used her military status to make sure I was well versed in other cultures along with other ethnicities so I wouldn’t be picked on by my other side. I'm pissed on the inside and it causes me to hate people, including fueling my dislike for my mom. I don’t want it to be the way it is. My description (no vanity intended): Ballet dancer's body, swan like neck, long limbs and minimal body weight. I’m 5'6 and about 100lbs, a cupped and narrow hipped. My physique has been this way since I was child with full lips and doe eyed and dark haired. I’ve never had an eating disorder because I love food too much and eat all of the time. It’s a clear difference between in body distribution when a person is naturally on the thin side vs. someone who has a disorder. I’m more of the former, not the latter. I am very self-conscious about the way I look. I’ve been told I, for a put of better phrasing that I “lack equipment” by guys. It’s frustrating because I feel like I have the body of a boy and there isn’t much I can do about it. Any help with this? Thanks everyone for advice.
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jealous, military, moved out, petite, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I also have a crazy relationship with my mom. I really have not quite got this all figured our yet, but I was reading a passage in Timothy Keller's "The meaning of marriage" that said something to this effect ( in my own words): When a parent abuses a child, it is because they have an unrwalustic desire for the child to love them as a spouce would. When the child can't love them like that, they get angry and abuse the child.
That was wierd for me because I never really wanted to see myself as "abused" it felr self centred to call myself that. But I was emotionally abused. And I have a " responsibility to let my Creator heal me because the abused become abusers" Heard that on the radio.
I respect you for caring about disrespecting your mom, because my heaet got hardened to rhe point where I did not give a shit. A book that has helped me is "Stormie" by Stormie o'Martian, whose mom makes both of ours seem like saints.
This thing right here is going to take years. I wish you all the best
A
female
reader, SilverVintage +, writes (28 July 2013):
SilverVintage is verified as being by the original poster of the question To 1st Female anonymous reader(July 28, 2013), yes that was me with the question you wrote in response to. Thanks for trying to piece together the info so you could get an understanding :)
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A
female
reader, SilverVintage +, writes (28 July 2013):
SilverVintage is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy mom's upbringing wasn't the best either. My Nana wasn't the "mother figure" at all. My mom raised herself. I didn't really know my nana until I was 12. Even then, we weren't really close because my mom kept her distance from her as well. She wasn't an exactly friendly person and I really didn't mind. She passed away in 2008, I'm sure she cared because that was her mom, but other than that, what else else was she supposed to feel? The only biological grandparent i have living is my granddad (my mom's dad). They've never had a relationship because he was never around, ever. My mother doesn't acknowledge him as her father. I used to have good relationship with my granddad but not anymore. We have an estranged relationship and I don't care to speak to him again. As far as my biological dad goes, I have severed ties with him completely. He and my mom were married and he was an abusive, out of control man. They have been divorced for years now. He has never wanted to take responsibility for me, even when i was freshly born. His reason was "I was too light to be his kid". Because my mom had male friends in the military, he assumed she cheated, which was a lie. He didn't want anything to do with me, he was drifter. It wasn't until he was literally dying that he decided to try and make amends and build a relationship with me (at the age of 18).I tired it, but to avail. Once he was getting better, he reverted back to his old ways and I'm wasn't going to go through the stress. He is abusive and takes no responsibilities for his actions. He thinks money and material things are the way to go. The only thing he has done is pay for ONE semester of school and he acts like that makes up for the entire 20 years he didn't didn't care for me. He paid child support rather reluctantly, the courts made him by taking it out of paycheck and that was not a lot. He wanted to demand respect and be treated like a 'father" which he never will be. In my eyes, he is a stranger, a deadbeat,someone whom I don't care for. The man made threats to kill me. When he did come around, he was verbally and mentally abusive as well. I'm the only child with both parents so its all on me.My mom has her issues, but she did take care of me as best she could, even if it wasn't how it should have been done. But in response, no I do not have a relationship with my dad and don't care to. Apologies for the rant, but thats the details.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013):
Hi, sweetie. Did you post the qs regarding ' not letting anyone touch you' as there was a part in that post that reminded me of that post.. The part pertaining to someone touching you in your teen years but not telling your mother but the person you were with ,
I'm just wondering it will help formate an answer.. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): Your mother sounds like she has a lot of problems of her own, i know she is your mum but i'm not sure there is hope for change. I think focus on you and what makes you happy, talk to someone, get those feelings out and believe you are worth loving xxI’m 5'5 and health wise i'm not supposed to be lower than 124lbs (which is 24lbs higher than you at the moment who is taller). I know you said you are naturally thin and i am in no way trying to bash you about it. But you are considered underweight so it may be worth seeking medical advice about it. Maybe the doctors can help you to gain weight, not just for superficial looks but for the health benefits too. I would get the doctors to check your theroids etc. You are also quite young so it may be age related, as your body gets older you may fill out. ut don't worry if you don't. We all are different shapes and sizes, all beautiful."for a put of better phrasing that I “lack equipment” by guys" .... breasts are mainly made up of fattie tissue so one way that MAY up your cup size is to up your weight.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 July 2013):
 I think her treatment of you is due to resentment of what having a kid did to her/her career and maybe some resentment towards your Dad? I see you don't really mention him at all. Do you have any contact with your biological dad?
BUT her treatment of you is NOT "normal". I honestly think the LESS you have to do with her the better. Also if you have a counselor at the college, it could be beneficial for you to talk in depths with one.
There is NOTHING wrong in how you look. We are not made from cookie-cutters and therefore we don't all look the same. Honestly you sound like you have the stature of a fashion model.
Being of "mixed" genetic material doesn't mean you HAVE to pick a side, you can BE who you are. Trying to put a label on yourself only makes things harder.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): I am so sorry your mom is belittling you, hurting your feelings and is never proud of you. I know how you feel, I've been there myself, my mom is not better than yours, she is like your mom very self centred and is not happy with me neither, however you should not be listening to her anymore, you are old enough to be independent. Focus on your life and on your college, don't let her destroy your self esteem any more. Be nice to her but keep your distance. Do you know how your grand mom treated your mom, was she mean to your mom as well? That could be the reason why your mom treats you that way? It's not an excuse but I'm just saying that could be the reason.As for other people who complimented you, they won't lie to you, you should believe them. I am sure you are a beautiful and a loving person. Unfortunately you mom does not see that and will never see how beautiful you are. She has her own insecurities herself and her criteria of how girls should look like is her own criteria but that's her problem not yours, don't listen to her. Have confidence in yourself and don't expect to hear from your mom anything positive soon. She is probably not happy and she does not want you to be happy either !!Good luck and all the best.
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