| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: We broke up over a stupid, petty argument last night!Ok, so the stupid, petty argument led to something more serious - I self harmed. Let me explain a bit...We both have some jealousy issues. And I had asked him why he had been so eager to go out with some of his friends to this club the other day, when he says he hates clubs. He said "well, there were going tobe strippers there", so I asked "Oh, so you were going there just to ogle hotter girls than me?" and he said "Well, yeah, but it's no big deal, so what if thy're hotter? It's not like I was going to get lucky with any of them, plus just by looking at them I won't stop loving you". So ok, I got upset by all that talk about perfect strippers, but eventually things cooled off and we had a blast.However, a couple of hours later I was talking to him about this cheerleading thing I had seen on TV. Quickly he turned serious and told me "You were a cheerleader for some right? When was that?" I told him it was when I was like 13. Then he told me, "Oh, and later you were in the drama club right? In high school?" And I said "Yes, when I was a freshman". Then he remembered that once, for a play, I had to wear a swimsuit, because I was playing this lady in the beach. It was a one piece swimswit, very old lady like (I was playing this filthy rich middle aged woman on the beach). And he went mad and told me "Then stop complaining if I want to see some strippers, if you yourself were exposing your body like that in front of an audience, what gives you the right to complain?". I was like what? surely there is a difference between a stripper and playing a character in a highschool play? He never agreed with me so I got frustrated and started crying, so he started telling me to quit being such a baby and that he was fed up, so I got more frustrated because of his lack of understanding, and I hit myself in the head. He became even more angry and insensitive, and told me that if I shed one more tear, he was breaking up for good.Then he told me he was going home and as I walked him to the door I couldn't deal with the hurt anymore so I started sobbing silently... guess what happened...So now, here I am, hoping to get back together. Guess I should've stayed quiet about the whole stripper thing... I mean he does get turned on by me, it just hurt me that he so bluntly admitted here were hotter girls than me and he wanted to watch. He later said that he wouldn't go to see them if it upsets me, but that still I shouldn't complaiin that he likes them. Guess I'll have to keep quiet then about that stuff... with him or another, I just have to accept this is a man's world, eh?How can I deal with this? I feel so stupid because I couldn't control myself and I self harmed and that made him walk away... I mean, yeah, it's not the first time that an argument ends in that, but why is he so insensitive towards me?
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broke up, get back together, jealous, stripper Reply to this Question
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male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (14 June 2008):
 Let me try to give you some new insights to contemplate...
It's not uncommon for people to feel a sense of threat by the so called "more beautiful/handsome than me" bit. You mentioned a level of jealousy you both have. Think about what the root cause of jealousy comes from -- a personally perceived inadequacy... and that's either real or imagined. There's always going to be somebody better looking in some way at some time in your life. Yeah, it's a hard pill to swallow, but you know it's true. I suppose the secret to getting over jealous episodes are to stop long enough to see where the real issue is and address it head long. If it's something you can solve, great... but if it's something you've created for yourself because of an insecurity or inadequacy, is it something real? Then figure out a way to address it... if it's something perceived then it might be better to calm yourself before flying off the handle with some kind of over-reaction.
I always like to turn the tables to give you something to think about. Suppose for a moment that you were going to go to one of those male revue shows. Like your boyfriend, there's no physical contact (well... mostly -- I know there's a difference in a woman's club vs. a man's). How do you think he might feel? Would he see those perfectly sculpted men paraded in front of you as a personal threat to his manhood? Well, the real answer to that is in his head... you'd have to see for yourself.
Getting back on topic, this is kind of a classic argument for couples. In an ideal world, strip clubs, Playboy magazine and other such titillations wouldn't be needed for guys IN RELATIONSHIPS (because who honestly cares what the so called "lonely guy" with no girlfriend does with his time/money spent in strip clubs). If most women had their choice, there would be no need to look outside the relationship for such excitement. Reality is something different. We guys are visually stimulated creatures (that's also why a visually overt porn industry is so successful). I'm not the one to suggest that you placate him by fulfilling the visual stimulus of your relationship, but I might suggest that you understand where he's coming from. You don't have to like it -- in fact, expressing that you didn't was a correct emotional response (IMO) -- maybe a little strong, but I wasn't there -- but you were hurt by his actions, so again it seems justified to me. What seemed a little overboard was his counter-reaction to your defensive posture on going to see strippers.
Another thought is that guys like to gather in groups and collectively beat their chests, if you know what I mean.
So, what does this leave you with? Do you ignore your current boyfriend (or future boyfriend's) desire to hit the night, Vegas style? Strip clubs are never going to go away. I would suggest that perhaps you come to terms with that. And yet, not all men feel the urge to visit them -- I actually can't remember the last time I was in one myself -- it seems like my bachelor party 15 years ago. The other thought is that most of the girls that work in those clubs are there to earn money for college. In fact the only purpose they have for the night is to liberate the money from men's wallets. Relationships started from any strip club encounter probably only exist in pages of Penthouse magazine and are far from reality. I suppose I mention that because the only thing your boyfriend would be taking away from those clubs is a hefty Visa bill and little else.
I am in no way defending his action or response, but I did want to give you another man's opinion. If you boyfriend likes the clubs and feels like stimulating the economy that way, then the occasional trip might be fine... but I suppose that you'd need to set limits on things like that... in fact, limits are always good for most relationship issues.
Regarding his insensitivity... I'm reading that as more of an emotional immaturity on his part. I think that if he has a history of responding in like fashion to other issues, then definitely he needs to grow up some more. I suppose the question there is if you want him back after his display of that lack of maturity. I might think you'd be more interested in finding somebody more comfortable with their place in life and probably more empathetic.
Best wishes for however you choose to play this. At the very least, I hope I've helped to give you something to think about.
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