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Why is he so hard to talk to?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 March 2017)
A female Australia age 18-21, *azima writes:

I've been seeing this guy for the past month and It's so frustrating because he has no trouble talking about himself and other things in life, but he doesn't really enquire about me, other than if I asked him "Have you done ___?" he will say, yes/no and ask if I have. He does continue the conversation in his own ways (i. e., sends pictures of random things around him or sends goofy selfies), but it seems like he wants me to enquire about him. If I do something "out-of-the-norm" or I say how I'm feeling he will be caring or worried about it.

I try and talk about myself sometimes (I don't talk about myself, I wait for questions because it seems polite) but he doesn't enquire further about it. When I first started talking to him he seemed really interested, he did say he likes me, thinks I'm pretty and beautiful. He shares a lot about his life with me and his personal stuff as well, I don't want to share my personal life with him because it doesn't seem like he cares.

I'm literally so frustrated. I told him I wanted space from him and he was put off-guard, asked why and told him that I felt like his ego-booster. He said he would try and fix it, but I feel like nothing much has changed. I'm at a point where I don't want to talk to him anymore, but yet he still sends me random things. I was going to sit him down and talk about why he is the way he is, he has depression and I know people with depression lose interest in a lot of things.

What do I do? I'm literally at my wits end

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A female reader, Pazima Australia +, writes (23 March 2017):

Pazima is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much for the wonderful responses! I have finally sat him down, as he knew that there was something wrong with me. So I spoke to him about our situation. I asked for some space from him before but he didnt get the message. However this time I demanded it; he paniked once again, showing me alot of attention and affection. I asked him to stop with the affection as he knows it cant work out between us (due to his work). I asked him how he really feels about me and he says he likes me alot, so Im assuming he doesnt want to lose me.

Im more than happy talking to him as a friend however I am concerned once I find another guy he might not let go of me. He will fall into a deep depression. He leaves me caught but he knows were not together and I can freely be with whoever I want. Im not sure if he hopes we will be together one day or not as he still enjoys my company

Im taking this space from him as a time to replenish, gain back my true self before I met him and focus on myself.

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A female reader, angelvoice United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2017):

angelvoice agony auntHi dear Friend,

I can empathize with you in your situation here.

On the point about depression, I know many people who suffer from it and it can definitely cause a person to go quiet, remaining in their own inner world. Because the chemicals in the brain which cause happy feelings, serotonins, are at low levels, the person sometimes lacks joyful, spontaneous energy needed for really good conversation.

Another element to this is that because you are (in his words) pretty and beautiful, he believes that you know this and probably thinks you are already brimming with confidence. In addition, if you are also a high achiever, he may be competing (I have personal experience of this!) and want to take centre ground, getting your attention, and approval, for what HE does and thinks.

I don't think you need to go too far in reprimanding him over this behaviour, because some men are naturally very reticent with verbal expression, but make sure you maintain all your own inner confidence, realizing that you don't need continuous praise of your qualities from him, knowing that you have the qualities, and that he secretly admires you for them.

I hope this is of help,

All best, Angelvoice

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 March 2017):

As I said before, I sense a bit of insecurity, and I think he's overcompensating. I speculate that he doesn't feel he deserves you. Really pretty girls sometimes brings out the stupid in us guys! Clowning around is boyishness. Sometimes that's charming, and sometimes it's annoying.

He has to learn to respect you, and if you can't seem to get that point across to him; it may be because he is too immature. You're not his arm-candy and a pair of ears (and lady-parts). You don't want to date the class-clown; you want a boyfriend who listens, and has interest in what's going on with you.

As I said before, assert yourself and make him listen. He may need an ultimatum to let him know he's hanging by a thread at this point. This is a training exercise for you as a woman. Make men take you seriously! Maintain your cool as you do this. Don't get emotional.

You seem to be having a very difficult time trying to talk to him, and difficulty in communication is a red-flag. He's getting on your nerves, and that is a major red-flag.

Maybe you shouldn't attempt a serious relationship with him, and just date him for fun.

If you can get him to settle-down long enough; give him the final speech that you'll have to end it if you can't have a regular two-way conversation. You want to be heard and taken seriously. That too is one of the pitfalls of be an attractive woman, getting some men (in this case, a boy!) to take you seriously. When you said you felt-like an ego-booster, you may have had a point there.

Face things head-on. Some guys do play oblivious to hold dominance in a relationship. Let this guy know, this girl is not just to be seen and not heard. You can always replace him with someone better. Your time is precious, girlfriend!

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A female reader, Pazima Australia +, writes (20 March 2017):

Pazima is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your response! It was quite helpful!

You are right, with his friends; he is always the "clown", gets the attention with his friends and he might see himself as entertaining and doesn't like the silence.

Today, recently was talking to him about my trip to Europe but has left me on read (through text). I'll admit, I have left him on read more than afew times because I was either frustrated with him, tired or I was busy. He does it to me now, so is he trying to get back at me?

I wanted to clear the air abit in case there are some misconceptions about my intentions. I would personally love to fix this but if his not willing to change or compromise abit then I won't know how to tell him that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I'm not sure how to go about clearing the air?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 March 2017):

He's nervously talking about himself because he doesn't really feel he deserves you. He wants to impress you and make you feel you can trust him. In a word, he's very insecure.

You don't get a word in edgewise; because you're being too polite and passive.

You can always politely interrupt and say, "okay let me tell you some things about myself;" or "would you like to know what happened to me today?" Or just come right out and say, "hey can I talk now?!!"

Sometimes you have to modify behavior. You point it out to him each time he violates; and ask him for an apology, if he doesn't offer one voluntarily. By doing so, you have informed him that he is being disrespectful; and you deserve his attention, as much as he wants yours.

He's immature. He thinks he's being interesting or entertaining; but coming across exactly the opposite.

Seems like a bad match.

Everything you've described about him seems anxious. You did say he has issues with depression. Maybe you might want to inquire a little more about that; or ask him pertinent questions, since he likes to talk about himself so much.

When you're a captive-audience to a blabber-mouth, you have to be assertive. You have to excuse yourself, and interject your own feelings and ideas. If you just sit there listening, the silence seems to make him nervous; and he'll fill the dead-air with jabber, or just talk about himself. You need to calm him down, and let him know everything is cool with you.

If he's just a self-impressed conceited guy, and he's a legend in his own mind; you just break it off and move on. You have to be straightforward and honest. Not just put him on hold or string him along.

The truth is, he's afraid YOU'LL loose interest in HIM!!!

I guess that has now become the case.

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