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Am I being hidden from the ex and his kids?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 March 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2017)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hello. I am hoping you are able to put my mind at rest really.

I've been in a relationship with a guy for five months and it's all good. He lives about an hour away, and he has three kids who are another couple of hours away from him with his ex, who he is currently in the throws of divorcing.

The divorce is messy, and he's open and honest about it all. I have a son and he knows about my boyfriend, but currently his three children nor his ex know don't know about me. He says this is because he wants to get the divorce settlement agreed, doesn't want it complicated as she may then get nasty and currently he doesn't see the kids much due to needing the divorce settlement agreed so he can get somewhere nearer to them to see them more.

He says he's every intention of telling the kids once this is all settled, and I believe him. I think it's just playing on my mind that I'm not being gullible here? Do you think the reasons are reasonable and he's not just keeping me hidden and separate with no intention of them knowing about me?

Thank you

View related questions: divorce, his ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThe question here is do you really want to be caught up in a relationship with a guy who is in the middle of a messy divorce through is own fault?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2017):

OP here. Thanks for all your replies. The generally consensus is that he's reasons are reasonable which is what I thought, but wanted to check it out.

They aren't doing a trial separation - I know it's a divorce and he keeps me up dated with it, as he's really hoping for agreement so he can move on. Yes I do feel it is him who messed the marriage up - he takes ownership of that. But the only time he talks of his ex is when he is frustrated as they again have reached a point where he thinks they have an agreement and she starts to move the goal posts. I've seen the emails etc so know it's the case.

I think I just need to give things time as I haven't seen any evidence to not trust him and plenty to trust him with.

Thanks everyone

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 March 2017):

He is wise not to bring a new relationship into the midst of an ongoing messy divorce. The emotions of his children are quite sensitive and vulnerable at such a time. His wife (until the divorce is final) will be quite scornful at the introduction of another woman right in the middle of divorcing him.

She will make his life a living-hell, and the children will be in the fallout of all of this. Especially if there is any issue with child-custody.

No, it is far too soon to introduce you to his children, or his wife.

If you feel safe with him, it's fine for you (once you're familiar enough with each other), because your son has already gotten past the volatile stages of separation. He can deal with you dating; because he has had time to become accustomed to seeing another man in your life, other than his father. I'm also going to assume your boyfriend has younger children.

If you're in the same age-group; I'll guess his youngest is between six and ten; his oldest, their teens to twenty. Based on averages. So they will see you in a very bad light, and she will certainly exploit that.

This is where you wait and see. To protect your own son, and to be sure he's on the up and up.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (20 March 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I think he is being reasonably prudent. 5 months IMO would be early days anyway to introduce you to the kids, but, never mind that. The point is that if he is going through a messy , not amicable divorce- wisely he does not want to give his soon-to-be ex any ammo to make things even messier for him, and / or to unload on his kids ANOTHER big novelty while they are dealing with a major, and probably painful, change in their life.

Btw, I have no idea how it is legally in your country / state, but in many places in the world separated is STILL married until the official divorce sentence , so technically the public aknowledgement of a new relationship is equivalent to admitting adultery, which WOULD give a lot of ammo to the other party.

Of course , we cannot know for sure 100%, there ARE men that who use " messy divorce " as an excuse to stay uncommitted, or keep their foot in two shoes ( ... and some are not actually divorcing at all ! ) and in these cases - only time will tell and you need to let quite some more time to pass to have a clearer picture .

Yet, since you ask : do you think, given this situation, that his reason are reasonable, I'd have to say : yes, absolutely.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI don't really think it's the time or place to tell them while in the middle of a divorce. Which is also WHY I think people SHOULD wait till the divorce is FINAL before even CONSIDERING to date.

So unless this drags out (the divorce) for YEARS, I think introducing you the kids (and ex-wife NEEDS to wait) His kids are going through MASSIVE changes, you really think a new GF thrown in there is something they NEED to be aware of RIGHT now?

Personally, for people WHO are single (so done with a divorce etc) I think folks ought to give a new relationship 9-12 months before introducing them to the kids. Because at that stage they should have a good picture of the partner and where the relationship is going.

He really ought to focus on getting the divorce final.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2017):

Oh wow. Well there's two ways to bite it I suppose. One way is to see it as the two of you met and are just so perfect for each other that him not being in the position to treat you fully like a partner is irrelevant and acceptable, and another would be to assume the door with her isn't closed enough for him to date again so he's keeping you around but by not introducing you to the kids he hasn't secured you any sort of commitment. I'll try to explain. If he's not sure about keeping you, he's not going to introduce you to his kids either way. That's kind of insulting in my opinion. Second, a divorce can be messy and with all those feelings flying around it's no wonder bringing a new girlfriend into the picture can result in him getting slammed in court and hit with high child support etc. What's the main reason for their divorce? I would think he messed the marriage up because she's already sounding revengeful and he's still kinda playing the strings like he owes her something. If they agreed they should divorce she would probably understand he'll be finding a new chick but that's not the case. It would help to know how long they were married and how long they are divorcing, as well as the divorce process which you can research. Long dragged out divorces tend to include couples therapy trial separation etc. He's still married but using you for emotional needs sexual needs etc she's not meeting right now as she's probably angry a lot. As soon as you start hounding him with questions or wanting commitment in return, you're of no benefit to him anymore. Then he can leave, no kids involved, no wife affected. That's just my take on it

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think he is being very sensible and putting the welfare of his children first - as any good parent should.

I can also totally understand him not wanting to give his ex ammunition against him until things are settled with the divorce.

This is still a new relationship. You need to chill.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2017):

"Do you think the reasons are reasonable and he's not just keeping me hidden and separate with no intention of them knowing about me?"

No. It's quite likely he's keeping you hidden because he has no intention of divorcing his wife.

A guy who says he's in the throes of a divorce is a guy who is still married.

Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES (or doesn't do)

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