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Why is he not respecting my boundaries and allowing me to move on? Does anyone have any advice about how to move on and stop loving the father of your children?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 March 2019) 2 Answers - (Newest, 13 March 2019)
A female United Kingdom, *obbyjo writes:

My ex broke up with me after 4 years together. We had a toxic relationship with many rows and turbulence. Saying that, we had ALOT thrown at us in the 4 years we were together, much more than what a normal couple would go through in their lifetime. We have a 2 year old son together and I have a son from a previous relationship. I had wanted to split up and agreed when we decided on it, but now its happened I am desperately sad and feel like I want to try again. My ex says no and that he doesnt love me anymore. I feel that I could have tried alot harder in our relationship and would love the chance to get our family back together again. I have to respect my exes wishes and although I did beg him for a second chance a few weeks ago, Im determined not to beg anymore but Ive made it clear I still love him. Ive asked my family to facilitate the child handovers so I dont have to see him and Ive also blocked him on all social media and phone. Ive explained to him that this is my way of moving on but he still insists on ringing me twice a week to facetime the kids. Ive asked him to block me on messenger and whatsap so that I cant message him and said if i need to get hold of him regarding the children I can phone him but he wont block me. Also, lately he has been trying to come up with excuses not to handover kids through my family , like he wants to come to my house and see me but Ive made it clear to him that I cant see him yet. Why is he not respecting my boundaries and allowing me to move on? Does anyone have any advice about how to move on and stop loving the father of your children? I know it wont be too long until he finds another woman and my heart will break all over again. I just want to move on and eventually be friends with him for the sake of the children but Im finding it so difficult. Im 35 and he is 38.

View related questions: broke up, move on, my ex, split up

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntUnfortunately, moving on from someone you have kids with is MORE complicated than someone you don't share kids with.

I don't think blocking him is the right thing either. I think it's PRETTY important for him to BE in his kid's life AS MUCH as possible and if FACETIME is how he can do that, then I think you need to SUCK it up and make THAT work. For your CHILD'S sake.

And I get that you are now going over all the things that you (in hindsight) think you should/could/would have fixed, it's just TOO late. THAT you need to accept.

How do you get over him?

By making your KIDS and YOURSELF the focus of your life now, not him.

Those two little ones NEED you.

While I can see why the "hand over thing" can be a bit complicated and makes things a bit more "dramatic" than it needs to be, maybe INSTEAD of him having to pick them up at relatives houses, ONE of your friends or relatives can pop over and BE there at YOUR house at the hour he is supposed to come pick them up. At least until you can HANDLE doing it yourself.

I'd say that is a decent compromise? And it might be a LOT easier on the kids too.

He doesn't HAVE to come inside, KIDS and BAGS should be ready to go. If any plans need to be made about when he will drop them off again, then do it over phone OR on the doorstep.

I know it sounds hard, but YOU need to put the kids first, here. Not your emotions for him.

Give it a little time and you WILL get over him, if you CHOOSE to let him go.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 March 2019):

When children are involved, it's not going to be an easy transition from a couple to a single-mother on her own.

Consider the children who are also making the transition along with you. You have to do some pretending and access some inner-strength deep within you, for their sake. For your sake as well. Having a child with a boyfriend who can just up and leave is one of the drawbacks of growing families with men who aren't legally-committed to you.

The child keeps him in your life indefinitely; even if he wants to leave YOU!

Don't beg and don't crawl. That's beneath your dignity, and it makes you feel twice as bad to be rejected.

You have to have a backbone; because you're now on your own, and he has chosen to leave the family. Moving-on comes when your conscious-mind and subconscious-mind both decide to accept the breakup. One is still trying to reconcile with the other. For now, feelings are raw; and you're going to suffer. At the same-time, you're getting some relief from all that fighting. Surely the kids appreciate the peace!

The conscious-mind knows this is where it has ended; but the subconscious-mind wants to hold on to false-hope and resist the reality. So the inner-struggle is going to continue for a while; even if he didn't show-up at the door. It's what you'll just have to deal with. Adapt to the situation; because you both have a child together, and that link hasn't been removed.

You're not feeling love as much as you're hurting from his rejection and refusal to validate your feelings. You fought a lot and there was a lot of turbulence. Love doesn't cause that! It got so bad that it drove you apart. So don't delude yourself into believing there is hope, if he insists on leaving. If you think he is out of love; that's further motivation to get-over him as quickly as possible.

As far as him finding another woman, that's a possibility that could materialize at any given time. Concentrate more on the kids and your own well-being. Don't dwell on him, or what he's up to. Just make sure the support-checks arrive on a timely-basis.

Sadness and grief comes with breaking-up with your partner. It's also a chance to recover from all the tension and conflict that drove you apart. Until you get through your detachment-process; whether he appears or not, you'll feel the same. I think it might be a little rough on the kids handing them off through someone else each and every-time he wants to see them. Your relatives don't want to always be in the middle of things; while waiting for you to pull-it together. Who knows how long that could take?

Just have the children and their things ready when he comes to pick them up. Make it quick! Compose yourself. I don't think they should be passed-off from hand to hand; like baggage to be dropped-off, and picked-up. He should come and pick them up from home. It's not entirely about you!

You won't stop loving right-away, if ever. You have a child by another relationship; so you've been down this road before with the other child's father. You got over him.

You'll have to pull it together, fight the urge to collapse, and develop some muscle; because two youngsters are counting on you. You can't fall to pieces over a man you couldn't get along with while you were together.

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