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How do I go about finding love ? Does it happen when you stop looking?

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Question - (13 March 2019) 3 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

How do I go about finding love ? Does it happen when you stop looking?

I am a single female that turns 33 in a couple of months and everyone around me is married or on their second child- I feel the pressure and loneliness of being single but I can’t seem to find anyone.

I have reflected on my past and I have been a pushover - a woman with no backbone and a woman that has done anything to get a tiitle and not be alone (this all stems from my abusive/narcissistic parents) nothing I did was ever enough

Long story story and I am not being vain because honestly looks come and go but I do not have issues picking up men but it’s seems nothing is clicking - at bars I get asked out a lot and online it just hasn’t worked

I have leaned into faith in this time of uncertainly and loneliness but can’t help but go back to wanting love and wanting a man

Does anyone have insight as to how to go about searching for love? I have tried online and time and time again it’s just not happened - the work sitatuion it bar either .. I’m left defeated sometimes and thinking about the “clock” and my family’s comments about how I can’t seeem to find someone

I am not a woman that asks for much but I feel at least some mutual attraction has to be ther

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 March 2019):

Love outside yourself, or what you receive from your family and friends...finds you! It's an emotion that ignites only when the right elements and ingredients come together at the right time and place. Love is often confused with lust, or distorted by desperation. You don't just offer it to others; you must have your own supply reserved within yourself, for yourself.

I'm not talking about conceit or narcissism. I mean self-love. Self-awareness, healthy self-esteem, and enough love to believe in yourself. To be kind to yourself, and careful what you say about yourself. It projects outward, it glows, and other humans are wired to detect it instinctively. It attracts others. God put it there, so it is good. It is the soul.

Desperation leads to impetuous behavior; which will make you fall in-love too soon, or give it to all the wrong people. It will make you do stupid things that will make you waste your love. Avoid desperation. You're better off alone. Desperation makes you repeat mistakes. Again and again!

Continue leaning into your faith, and pray for a good man. Ask that whatever requires change in you, be divinely changed. Believe you will receive what you've asked for. Never give-up on God, He won't give-up on you! He doesn't like being bossed around by lowly humans who confuse him with a genie, who grants wishes. He's God! That's HUGE! Unfathomable, omnipotent, immortal, pure, and holy!

It's all written in ancient books; because He's been around forever. He plans to be around forever too! So He doesn't like insolence, hard-heads, or disbelief. Praise Him a lot...He likes that! He tends to give-away really great stuff. I mean GOOD STUFF!

Most people just go through a series of mismatched emotional-attachments, or random odd connections with people. They like to use the word "love" as the reason for these relationships. They don't last, because the right elements and ingredients haven't come together.

It's good to be alone. You need time to sort out what type of personalities work well and are compatible with your own. You have to know yourself.

Some people are sent to teach us, others to test us, and some are meant to develop our survival-skills. Some just got in our way, like stepping in dog poop; and we somehow got attached. We wise-up and kick them to the curb; once we realize it was a mistake. You're not supposed to become bitter or cynical. It's life! You're sure as hell aren't supposed to give-up!!! You press onward! Be patient!

You're no longer a child. Stop using mommy and daddy as your abuse-excuse. They can't hurt you anymore; unless you let them. You're a full-grown adult. Coming and going as you please. They can't stop you!

Love does not show-up on-demand and can't be trapped. It just happens. It grows, if it lands on fertile-soil. Two people meant for each other. Minus silly insecurities; and barriers constructed of mistrust, or stupidity. It will become diluted if you add too much lust to it; or toxic if you don't value it, and treat it right. Then it vaporizes!

We live in a highly-technical world in this generation; so people are a having much difficulty connecting in meaningful and emotional-ways. We have "emoji-love." Some twisted weird facsimile, or contrived-notion of what love is. Men feel apprehensive towards commitment. Want sex without love. Women have many wild-notions, misconceptions, or high-expectations. Reality sets in on both genders, and they retreat into cynicism and distrust. The smart folks figure it out. They'll keep trying until they get it right!

Many of those high-expectations aforementioned, are influenced by fantasy; or an over-developed sense of entitlement. Many females have no good male role-models. They are unsure of what a good-man really is. They'll hit a few snags, and lump us altogether. They have an imaginary perfect-guy; and try to mold the wrong-guy into that image. What happens is disappointment; because he won't change from who he really is. His resistance causes her to lose trust in all men. She won't give him up, because she "loves" him. She becomes a drama queen, and her life becomes a soap opera.

Love happens. Sooner...or...later! You can't predict when! You just stay patient until it comes your way!

You stay available, receptive, vigilant, and confident. You date whomever you consider safe and attractive; and you give him a chance. Don't go into it with a mission in-mind to turn him into a boyfriend, or a husband; because he has a will of his own. He can and will decide if that is what he wants to be. It's that free-will you're counting on to lead you to find love in him. He may only be a good date, or he may not be ready for commitment. Then you should consider him good company for the moment; and you decide whether you should waste more of your time with him. Many women relent and stay with him hoping she'll make him better. The problem is, she's trying to push someone not showing any inclination. A bad match! So they get frustrated with men. It's just that guy, not all men! Just keep dating!

I learned something long ago in Sunday school. Never envy the blessings that other people have. They get what they want according their time.

You have many blessings you're overlooking; because you're too busy worrying about what other people have that you don't. You have your success, and you're an attractive woman. It's only a matter of time, and your "clock" may not be set according to your wishes. It may be set by destiny; which makes things happen in their due time. Nonbelievers are hopeless. If you lean on faith, you know better. All things happen in their time. Not always when you want them to, but when it's the best time for YOU.

Awe, WiseOwlE...that's too simple. You preach too much! Then don't read this! Somebody else will!

Being pliable or a pushover means you have no confidence in yourself; or don't have a self-awareness of your own value. You want to please others. You want to present something "guys want;" which means you will draw all the wrong types towards you.

You project a persona that seems vulnerable or submissive; so opportunists and predators catch you scent. Their foresight is acute enough to see you coming. Don't sell yourself short, and don't dumb yourself down for men. Have patience! Never cease praying! Your time will come.

While you're pining for love, here's whats happening behind closed-doors for all those perceived to be happily-married people. Here's what I know, as told by a little fly on the wall:

So everyone else is married. They're sitting at home, wondering what happened to that love they had before the wedding? Why was the honeymoon phase so short? I wish I waited a few more years before I had kids? I love him, but he doesn't seem to show he loves me! Why did I let my parents pressure me so much to do everything to please them? I don't really love this man they chose for me! He's terrible in bed! I love my kids, but they are spoiled and awful! God, I wish I were single! "Miss Anonymous" was sitting at the table at lunch today, complaining she can't find love. She can have that lazy lump of flesh I married! Look at her! Hair done, nice dress, manicured nails! Talking about her fancy job! I hate her! My wife is getting fat! My husband is going bald, and I hate that beer-gut! God I miss being single! I want a vacation from life!!!

While you're on the outside looking in; they're on the inside looking out. Envying you, your freedom, and independence.

Patience is whats required. In the meantime, you have the opportunity to pursue everything on your bucket list. You have time to do self-improvements; and to seek spiritual enlightenment through your faith. You have time to be of service to others, and to help the needy. You can volunteer time to a worthy cause; and you can donate money to charities that mean something to you.

Singleness isn't time in isolation, or banishment. It's what you make it. You continue dating, with an idea of what kind of man you think is best for you. You give each candidate his chance to prove he is worthy of your love and devotion. If not, send him on his way. Take a breather, do what you want to make yourself happy; but always be receptive. Keep your radar up! Love has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. You don't force it, or rush it. You can't conjure it like a spell. No ma'am, there are no love-spells! It isn't love if it is forced. True-love comes from a divine place; so that is where you send your prayers to seek it.

Once you get love, and it is exposed to earth's atmosphere; it goes through whatever life throws at you. Challenges, distrust, cheating, and disagreement. If it's real, it endures it all. Cheating should be the one challenge that gets very little tolerance. If you offer your forgiveness; is not given unless you are assured every effort is made to regain it. If it is not earned, or it's too hard to give; then let love go. Better luck next time! Don't hold-on to failure, it will drag you to hell.

So you have to be ready to work for it. Protect it, or withdraw it; when it has been given to someone who doesn't appreciate it, or return it. You may have to start-over from scratch. So prepare yourself for the challenges; while you're still single and independent. Don't sit idle.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2019):

a work mate or a friend of a friend like what happened to Harry is what i suggest. Or there is me who is 71 and looking and wants to have a child. i live in canada, BC Castlegar and have a nice home near the Columbia river.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (14 March 2019):

BrownWolf agony auntHi Op,

Finding love is a lot easier than finding a life partner. You might of heard this a million times, but loving yourself first is the first step...why??? Very hard to find love in others, when you do not have it for yourself.

It does matter who your parents were or how you were raised. It matters how you live your own life. When someone loves you, and you feel in love, it is not that you are finding love for the first time. Think of yourself as a half full glass of love. This is what we are when we love ourselves. Someone comes along and loves us. They are just adding to what we already have, and you add to their's. But if your glass is empty, they will give you all of thiers, and fall out of love with you because they have nothing left to give.

So when you hear love yourself first, it actually has a purpose. Too many times we look to others to give us what we need. The problem is, we have nothing to give in return. We just take and take, until the relationship goes sideways.

You must have love to give before you can receive, or you will end up take more than you should.

As for the clock is ticking....A hurry bird never builds a good nest....Take your time and do it right. If you rush, you will have to keep doing it over and over again.

Your friends are all married and have kids...But they are living their own lives. Stop look at what other people have, you have your own life to live.

Hint...If you are a pushover and have no backbone...find soneone who will pick you up, and be your backbone. Not someone who takes advantage of your faults. Find the opposite.

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