A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. I fell out with my bf around 5 weeks ago. I.'d had enough of the arguments and his silent treatment. I was upset,but sat it out,and did not ring him,and decided that was it for me. Anyway, he tried to ring me a couple of days back. I did not answer,as i'd come a long way,and do not want to get hurt again. He then texted me the next morning saying he had only called to ask how I was,and 'not because he was trying to get into my pants',and how am I?. I have not responded,as I'm scared to get hurt again,but can't work out if he's genuinley concerned about me,or he's trying to get back with me? I also feel a bit guilty for not replying. We had a very up and down relationship. What's he playing at if anything? He does this after just over 5 weeks of nothing. Please advise. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Cerebus and Honeypie. Thank you for responding to my update. I was being honest,and yes, i.ve been a weak minded ass. I know that. I can.t complain.as i allowed it. I was weak. He.s texting with all kinds of crap again today. Saying i picked up his glasses by mistake,and i must have them.saying I don.t have to change. Saying he wants me the way i am. Weird shit. He.s losing it. I.m getting jumpy. Yes. The bucket of water is the best idea,and he is a disgrace. Am detaching. I think cerebus,you are right. I do need to be strong. I don.t want this. It.s dragging me down,and draining me. Thanx for your patience. X
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 April 2013):
 If you don't want to FEEL stupid then don't BE stupid.
I'm sorry he got hurt and his sister too, but they are NOT your responsibility.
He borrowed the CD not because he wanted to listen to music but to have an EXCUSE to come back or to talk to you again. STOP playing his games IF... you want to move on.
I think you like feeling needed (we all do to an extend) and that is what keep drawing you in.
Block his number, ignore it if he shows up at your door, you are under NO obligation to open the door or to talk to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): "I feel stupid to have let myself go back. I'm now in bits,and have to start the healing process again."
OP forgive me but reading your latest follow up here were my reactions. "Oh here we go, no don't, oh shit you did, what the fuck is she doing, is she that stupid and weak, oh my god don't do that, she really feels bad? She's falling for the sob story crap? okay I give up this woman is a lost cause, too weak to resist this absolute disgrace of a man."
Sorry OP, I had to say it. You're a lost cause, after all you said after all your realizations he only has to turn up and you're straight back needing him.
You're welcome to come back an update us all you want, but I'm done with your question OP, we can't help you do what's right for you when you know what that is but won't do it. You either stop being a weak minded idiot for this guy or you just stop complaining and let the fucker ruin you this way.
You jus let this guy barge right back into your life, take it over, take control and what do you do? Nothing you just moan like a dainty little princess.
OP I was nice before and it didn't work, so I'm writing this as slap in the face for you. You can choose to get depressed at how I put things or you can choose to grow a pair of balls.
FYI: He did nothing wrong here, he's just being him, you're the one who let this bullshit happen.
But I guess I'm wasting my time typing this. Or are you going to let this happen again?
OP read your followup again, can you not see why I'm being like this? Can you seriously believe you fell for his shit? His sob story, him not wanting to let you go home, demanding CD's, telling you that you need a picture. He sounds like Frank Gallagher from Shameless.
OP the next update I want from you is you telling us he tried to come back again, knocked on your door and instead of opening it you told him to fuck off and squirted him with washing up liquid through the letter box or you poured a basin of water down over his head from the upstairs window. You'll be doing him a favour OP, he obviously needs a wash badly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all. I have an update in this horrible episode. He texted last week saying he was coming down my way to a shop in an hour. An hour later he was banging on my door. I opened it,and he looked a wreck. Unshaven,scruffy,and had not had his haircut in weeks. I went outside,and then he went on to tell me how he.d been in a car crash the week before,and hurt his back and chest,and that his twin sister had also fallen over,and he thinks she had broken her arm,and that she was in tears at home,and please would i go to the hospital with him? I felt sorry for him,stupidly,and we picked up his sister who was also in a state and took her to the hospital where he just sat feeling sorry for himself,and i looked after her. The hospital is around an hour or more from where i live. He was driving,and by the time we got out of there,it was around 1am in the morning. His sister lives with him. We took her back home,then he said he would take me back home in the morning. I felt no loving feelings towards him,and he kept going on about his back problems. I went to bed,and we fell asleep. The next morning,he was in a mood. I wanted to leave asap. I asked him to drop me home. He said he didn't want to,but did it anyway. When he did, he came in,and then said that he would find a photo of himself for me to put up. I thought that was a bizarre thing to say. Then he looked at my cd.s, and said he wanted to borrow one, and took one,then started asking me what i was doing that evening. I told him i was going out,but not where. I then told him he had a cheek trying to breeze back into my life after all this time. He then said he wanted to see me on the sunday. I didn't say anything,and let him out. I then got really angry and called him,and shouted at him about everything. I went nuts! He then rang back saying and shouting he would see me on sunday and hung up. I told him i didn't know about that. I did not contact him for the whole weekend,then felt bad again for the horrid things i said,so called him on the monday. He did not answer,so i texted and said sorry for my outburst. Since then, i have been hurting,and feeling confused. I feel i set myself back a bit. He insisted that he had only rung to see i was ok,and to help with his sister that night. I feel stupid to have let myself go back. I'm now in bits,and have to start the healing process again. X
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): "I haven.t officially ended it,but then,why should i?"
Exactly, permanent silent treatment. You'd only need to officially end it if you needed closure but you don't because you're gone from this now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): If the calls and text messages are bothering you. Block his number or change yours. You can also delete the messages as they come in. Take your time and heal. There will be relapses.
After all, you're only human. You owe him nothing. When you tried to talk it out, you were silenced. How much more of this are you willing to take?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2013):
I don't think you NEED to officially end it, YOU know it's over. He knows it over. He just doesn't like it, because he can no longer manipulate you. Well, he can suck an egg.
Cheer up it gets better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all. Thank you for your answers. Yes, i do get panicky,but i,ve done without him this long,so will keep going ,no matter what. I do miss him,but it.s getting better over time. This has happend a number of times, re. The silent treatment,except this time ,i.m on to him,and it.s the last time. He has the cheek of hell,trying to step back into my life,as if nothings happened,how many weeks on. He did know this was coming..possibly,but maybe not this time,or now.it hurt like hell for the first two,three weeks,then i learned to ride the storm. It.s disturbed me. Re. His call,and text, and i.m trying to restore my sense of balance. I feel he.s manipulative,and devious. I haven.t officially ended it,but then,why should i? X
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 March 2013):
He is hoping to reel you back in.
Keep the non-contact. If you can I'd block his number. He knows why you don't want to talk to him ,he just doesn't think it matters HOW you feel and WHY you are doing it.
His loss, keep moving on.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 March 2013):
 It does NOT matter why he's doing it. It's not in a person's best interest to behave in RESPONSE to someone based on why we think they did something.
You have made a healthy decision to end a bad relationship.
Just keep on going.
And have no guilt. He's an ex and you owe him NOTHING.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I agree OP, you're doing great. The first bit of contact after so long and a guy you no doubt still have some residual feelings for is going to be tough, your heart will skip a beat and the feelings that had been fading will rush back and that causes a bit of panic. Feel free to come back for more reassurance if he does it again or delete it without even looking at it and go do something else.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Hi
After you didn't pick up his call he text next day and said 'I wasn't trying to get in your pants'.
To me thats a random statement and means he actually was.
As you say, you have been doing well getting over him so your silence bought him out of the woodwork.Don't let him get inside your head again, keep ignoring him. Your doing well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Cerebus and Denise. Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. Yes, I agree. He will get the hint,and it doesn.t matter what his motives are. I will continue to stick to my resolve. I won.t answer,and will move on. Thanks.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): He's trying to get into your head and you're letting him. You're broken up OP, just move on. If he doesn't get the hint, block him.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (25 March 2013):
 What do his motives matter if you are so fed up with his unpleasant behavior?
I mean, you decided not to get in touch with him because you have basically had it with all his nonsense, and up and down nature of the relationship.
There is no need whatsoever for you to feel guilty about not responding. or should you tell him it's finished. When he doesn't hear from you he'll figure it out. Look, he hurt you before; so just forget him now. Let the past BE the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Some people punish by using the "silent treatment." It's a form of psychological warfare. They leave you hanging. Stewing in your own juices. They hold you emotional hostage until they feel they're ready to release you. It's a form of mind-control. It's torturous and infuriating. Then you finally feel miserable, because you miss them. That's the slow poison setting in.You said you're tired of it, which indicates its a common tactic he uses. You handled it properly by holding out. It released his control over the situation. It beat him at his own game. Using silence as a weapon cuts off communication. It doesn't give the other person a chance to express how they feel. You're cut off, they shut you up, and denied you further access. Now he is no longer angry, and he's lost without having his control. He is genuinely concerned about how this will now turn out. He has used this tactic too many times; and didn't listen when you tried to tell him how his silence and other issues bother you. This is mostly his fault.Do you constantly nag him? Say horrible things to hurt his feelings? Do you whine about every little thing? Do you seek to emasculate him in every argument? Do you shut him out when you disagree? Are you constantly badgering him with unfounded accusations, and weighing him down with your insecurities? If you can answer yes to more than two of these questions, than it's equally your fault.Fault is not really the important factor. You both have to learn how to handle disagreements. You have reached a point in your relationship that you've come to realize that it is impossible to reason with with each other.It is really up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with in your relationship, in order for it to work; and for you BOTH to be happy.He needs to understand that his repetitive use of a bad approach to settling problems in your relationship has now run its course. Being sorry after the fact, has no sincerity. You now know his limit before he misses you, and you're likely to repeat the bad with the bad. You now want vengeance. Two wrongs won't make a right.You have now decided you've had enough. That was a rational and adult decision. Lack of communication and compromise in a relationship leads to failure. This is a breakdown that is not easy to repair, once it has pushed you to your limit of tolerance. Your soft spot for him will always make you second guess your judgment. You must sit down (alone) and weigh all the pros and cons in the relationship; and decide which has the highest impact on its continuation. Enough is enough.Take all the time you need to heal. Don't let him push you sooner than you're ready. He put the relationship where it is, and he had every chance to work it out; but failed at the most important way to do it. Communication and compromise.He needs control and his silent treatment held you emotionally captive. That is cruel. He went about doing whatever he liked for a month; knowing all the while you suffered through the silence. How did you feel while it happened? How much did it hurt you; not just the latest incident, all the times up to now?You start by forgiving him. You realize that the only reason that this has hurt you over and over, is because you allowed it to. You finally found the key to your freedom.Cutting off his sense of control over you. Cruelty within a relationship is hard to forgive; but we heal by releasing ourselves from the things that hurt us most. We heal by refocusing our attention to the pain; and cutting off the source of it. The pain stops when you remove the thorn.You know him and how he has handled all your disagreements up to now.Of course he will tearfully plea for forgiveness; and if you're a kind and reasonable person, you should.Forgiveness does not always end in returning to the relationship. Especially, if you know the odds are against any change. Forgiveness sometimes starts by giving him his freedom and allowing him to find the things that make him happy. If you fight a lot, neither of you are happy.You tried to tell him why you were not happy. He let a month go by without contact. The separation gave you time to think. You came to a decision. Over a month ago, you told him you were tired of the silence and that you hated it. So he gave you an even bigger dose of it. Okay, now. Are you ready for more of the same? What have your attempts to settle differences in past reaped you?Make a choice and stick to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): "can't work out if he's genuinley concerned about me,or he's trying to get back with me?"If his method is to argue and then give you the silent treatment, and not even have the nerve to break up with you, I would suspect he wants your attention. Are you usually the one to patch things up when this routine goes on?I don't think he called because he cared about you, I think he called to see if you cared about him and how you would respond. Texting you the next morning to say "he had only called to ask how I was,and 'not because he was trying to get into my pants',and how am I?" probably means he's just covering his ass and trying hard not to appear too self involving.I don't know what your situation with him was like, but I trust you let him go for a good reason. From what I gather from your question, I think you probably did the right thing letting him go. He sounds tiresome.
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