A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm getting married in 5 months, my bf proposed a few months ago. It was an out of the blue proposal, we never discussed marriage and I'd never forced him into proposing at all. I love him so much and he sure loves me back a lot. We're both real excited about the wedding, we've booked the location and all- it's gonna be a quiet and very small ceremony with very few guests. Anyway, what is weird about this is... he hasn't told anyone yet! Not even his parents nor close friends. When I confronted him about this he said he'll tell everyone in a few months and that he really likes the idea that we're the only one ones to share this joy. This is very weird, right? Is there something wrong or am I over-reacting? Thank you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): Sorry OP, but under given circumstances must raise possibility that bf has no intentions of ever marrying you; sudden proposal, unannounced engagement, apparently little planning beyond five-month advance restaurant reservation, and insistence on total secrecy suggest to me that bf may be involved in something shady and may be using sham wedding as a ploy to distract your attention in order to avert suspicion and/or allow time to cover his tracks. Not saying that's the case, but under this hypothesis bf needs to keep wedding a secret from everyone else so he can continue to keep whatever he's hiding a secret from you. May not be what you want to here but it makes perfect sense. Hate to even mention this possible scenario, but to me it's a plausible and logical explanation entirely consistent with facts as stated. Hope I'm wrong, but must reluctantly also point out at this time no contradictions to rule out this very unfortunate possibility.Sorry, but even if ultimately proven false, I believe suspicions are legitimate and must be further investigated. You have to be certain either way; I'm always happy to be proven wrong but require compelling evidence or plausible alternative theory to be dissuaded.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Well now I have a bit more to go on and yes it’s odd if you have been with your best friend and he is not telling her and she needs to make the plans, then that is weird. Have you asked him why he has not told her since he has had the chance with the three of you together (and why you insist on letting him make this rule should be a red flag to you)?
I sometimes do things and THEN tell my fiancé. He is not given the chance to veto it… it’s easier to “beg forgiveness” then seek permission sometimes. Personally if it was me, I would go to him and say “we have to tell Sally about the wedding as soon as possible. IF you can’t manage to do it this weekend I will do it without you.
She needs to be able to make plans.” And from there you say this about everyone else involved.
The fact that he’s not saying stuff is a red flag now that you have fleshed out your information for me. My guy has not told his family but he’s happily making plans with our friends and talking about it…
Basically his rationale is unreasonable and unrealistic...
and you bending to his will on something like this sets a precedence you don't really want for the entire marriage
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Start as you mean to go on. Think this through and how his CONTROLLING behaviour could impact on your future.
His behaviour will tax the trust of his family. And what if he blames you for the silence.
I am wondering if your boyfriend has some serious insecurities and serious anxiety issues.
How will you feel when you are pregnant if he does not want his family told until a month after the baby is born?
Does he have ti WIN every argument and do you give in to him more times than you care to remember.
If there is so little of the trimmings added to the wedding day it also means he could walk away from the wedding at the eleventh hour and the expense to him will be minimal.
Does he insist on CONTROLLING who you see and when you see them? does he MANIPULATE situations so it is his way or nothing?
I think there are some bubbling issues that need some attention. Has there been any suggestion of Couples Counselling? Or does he think he does not need it?
He is not paying attention to a lot of the joy and the happiness that could be added to your special day if you were PERMITTED by him to enjoy and partake it.
He is BLOCKING you at every avenue and he is CALLING ALL THE SHORTS
Does this not suggest that married life with him will have some issues?
At the very least if he will not attend Couples Counselling then go alone. I think there are more issues that could make or break this relationship, if not resolved now.
If he is very controlling then over time he will only get worse. Is this what you envisage in your marriage? Surely you do not think he has all the answers? Because you are just as important as him and what you want has just as much validity (and should be factored into the decision making) as what he thinks.
He is ignoring your stated wishes - to tell your friend and to tell his family.
He is ISOLATING you from other avenues of support.
I really think you deserve better than you are putting up with at this point in time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! As for your questions:1) My family: I have no family as sadly my beloved Mom passed away last year and I have no relationship whatsoever with my Dad (a really mean person) who does not approve of this relationship, let alone this marriage. So, my situation is similar to SoVereyConfused's fiancé's situation.2) His family: I already know his family and I consider them like my own family (hope it doesn't sound too clingy). We live far away from them and we'll only go there in the summer. My bf says he doesn't want to tell them via Skype/phone. I'd love them to know anyway! 3) It is going to be very informal, so, no bridesmaids and no major dressing up for everyone, so nobody will need any time to get ready. It's basically all organized by now: date,location, restaurant: it's all set. There are going to be 5 guests tops.Yet, my best friend and witness to be lives close to where we live, I told my bf I wanted to tell her and he said he wanted to tell her himself when we were together, the three of us... but he never does! This is so frustrating!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 May 2012):
 That IS super weird!
Why on Earth wouldn't he want his family to share in the joy too? And for them to know you, his soon to be wife?
Does he plan on them attending? If so ideally, invitations should go out six weeks before the wedding, so guest can get a chance to alter plans, book a room if need be and so forth.
It also give the couple a good (hopefully) 3 week to receive RSVP and then you have a better idea of the number of guests.
Also have you told your family and was he OK with that?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2012):
We are getting married in 5 months also. WE have told my family and OUR friends but my fiance has not told anyone in his family or his friends.
We are going to have a small destination wedding... so not a lot of folks are coming... perhaps that's the same thing you two are doing? Does he tell ANYONE about it?
My fiance does not wish to tell his family as they are not invited but if folks are invited and it's far away they have to make the plans and reservations early enough...
Have you asked him WHY he feels the need to not share with his family and friends? At least for me, I know his rationale... I don't agree with it but it's his family to exclude....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 May 2012):
you are not over-reacting at all. What is making him so reticent? Is there a past marriage where the papers to end the marriage have not yet been signed?
Is there a secret he is holding back from revealing?
Most guys who are so in love want to tell the world.
And most families would want to share the joy. Five months? What if the mothers of the bride want to have something bespoke made to wear? That could take weeks and weeks.
What if the wedding clashes with existing events in the family?
Presents take time to choose.
And the invitations need to go out well before the wedding.
I think it is unrealistic of him to expect to hold off telling people for a few months. The wedding is only five months away.
Yes, some celebrities do spring secret weddings on their unsuspecting public.
But normal people don't have 200 support staff running around attending to their every need and a few spare millions to pay for all of it.
I am bothered by his need for secrecy. If you want bridesmaids then that takes time to arrange and discussions and lots of choosing.
Have you told your family and your friends? What has been their reaction to your guy's preference for secrecy?
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