A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I`ve been living with my partner in her house for 6 months. During this time we`ve had a couple of ups and downs as I`ve stumbled upon internet activity with dating sites and found her to have dating apps on her phone. Each time denying doing anything that constitutes cheating, or denying it full stop claiming I`m seeing things that arent there. After convincing me it was just a bit of a joke as she enjoyed winding people up, I have discovered a hidden phone which is exactly the same make, colour and model as her everyday phone. I looked in it and found she`s been exchanging explicit pictures and text with males. After challenging her she went crazy claiming I have invaded her privacy and betrayed her trust. From the start she was always suspicious of who I was texting and always wanted to look through my phone.She is a 42 year old woman, I am 36, so we are not that young. She have always been very active and has always been complimentary towards me, claiming she loves me, and me likewise.Why has she ruined what was, or seemed a happy relationship? Why does she act like she`s done nothing wrong? I have nothing to suggest she has done any physical cheating.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2021): The original poster here...
Thanking the few who gave their time and thoughts. I decided to invade her privacy a lot further and got my buddy to delve deep into her computer history as I am not that good and wouldnt know where to look. She has met different men, much younger, and told them she was attached and in a happy relationship but enjoyed the thrill of it. She also has another facebook account in another name.
I have been paying about 80 per cent of her mortgage, and paid for most of our groceries, so I have not been there just for the sake of needing somewhere to live. She has a grown up daughter who lives with the father (her ex husband), who told me they broke up due to her cheating. I did not know who to believe at first but now I do.
I DO NOT CARE who wants to tell me about invading her privacy. I have my closure and somewhere else to go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2021): I had an ex who went to great lengths to do this and hide it from me, only to do the same again. You must have heard the saying once shame on you, twice shame on me? Are you there because you have nowhere else you can live? because if you are, you need to change that situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2021): This the curse of the digital age. Once you join sites like facebook you are bound to chat to others. The internet is full of all sorts of people including cheaters, users, and teasers. Internet has made it so easy to communicate with others. You say you moved in with her do you share the expenses or are you crushing on her?
You have two choices either to swallow your pride and accept her explanation and continue living with her or move out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2021): Now that you know what you know; start looking for another place to live. Try to get along based on your history, until you can move; but do your best to minimize the drama and commotion.
Trying to flip the script by accusing you of snooping is the typical "gotcha" response; when you catch a cheater by means of their digital devices. You shouldn't snoop or spy on people, out of respect for their privacy; but there are exceptions or extenuating-circumstances for married-people. They are bound by marriage, may have children, and took vows of faithfulness. They can only end their marriage through costly legal-recourse, divorce; and must undergo a complicated and strenuous process of legal-division of property and assets. To add more insult to injury, lengthy child-custody battles.
We are only bound by the honor-system and a good-faith agreement as long as we're only "boyfriends and girlfriends." That seems to make some people feel less guilty about cheating on us. It's like they have some right or entitlement to do it!!! Don't you dare get it twisted, that doesn't make their cheating any less hurtful or trashy!!! It's just less complicated to kick their sleazy bums to the curb; once you catch them at it! God help the foolish who've tie-up themselves in debt and mortgages with them! Even worse, having joint-banking accounts; where they could abscond with every cent you have in this world! Hope this isn't the case for you, my friend!
Is there any reasonable or acceptable explanation for what she did? Could she even offer one that would justify what she has done, considering the facts? That's as broad and rhetorical of a question as..."why do people do bad things?" It's the dark-side of our human nature, the best I can imagine.
At best, she figured you might find yourself someone younger at some point; and she wanted to be prepared for any unforeseen events. She may not have had faith in your six-year age-gap. We could rationalize, or manufacture endless hypothetical theories. The simplest answer is, she's a cheater and she got caught! She did sneaky things behind your back, and you spied on her. Now you're even.
Why would anyone get any pleasure out of "winding people up," and possibly ruining her relationship in the process? Now her response on that issue was quite rich!
I'm speculating you didn't know this person for very long; before you decided to move-in with her. You'd have to be pretty naive; or unbelievably smitten over this woman, not to have picked-up on something shady about her. If you were younger and inexperienced; I could see how you'd be clouded by your emotions. Otherwise, you've got some experience with human-nature; and more likely to pickup on red-flags. Something urged you to spy; so let's attribute that to a keen sense of intuition...maybe add-in a few scoops of "insecurity" for good-measure.
Well, this one got-over on you! Chalk it up to another learning-experience, and try to find yourself another place to live. Don't be embittered, or develop trust-issues; judge everyone on their own merits and individuality. Don't rush into another relationship; until you've ditched all your baggage, and make sure to steer clear of cynicism. Bitterness is as bad, or worse, than naiveté. Love blinds us all, sooner or later, my friend. I've been there, and done that!
I wish you a fast recovery emotionally, and hope your broken-heart heals quickly. Be forgiving; but don't keep her, if you can't wholly forgive and forget. If you're not the forgiving-kind, don't hold as your emotional-hostage, while you punish her. That makes you worse than the cheater. Mean and vindictive, and an all-out scary-person!
Let-go, and move on...and do all the correct stuff my co-uncles and aunts advise you to do.
Be strong!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2021): have you got anywhere else you can stay because you won’t ever be happy by staying there. you may be convincing yourself she does not meet them but does she. you are still young at 36 and have enough time to meet someone who does not want to cheat on you
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 August 2021):
 You ask WHY she has done this, I think it's hard to say why. What I will say is that she was doing this BEFORE you two cohabited. When she wasn't with you, she was talking to other men for ego-boost and entertainment. She was "smart enough" to keep an identical cell phone for stuff she didn't want you to see. So she was FULLY aware that it was NOT OK to do. But... a "what you didn't know couldn't hurt you excuse".
OP, she was never fully committed to you, she was never faithful to you.
while it WAS an invasion of her privacy to go through her stuff and find her phone and then go through the phone - it DOES NOT excuse HER behavior!
I would say it's time for you to find a place of your own, move out and end it with her. Then you CUT your losses and block and delete her.
Unless you like to be cheated on. Even if she doesn't meet up in person with any of them it's still cheating.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (19 August 2021):
 She has betrayed your trust the first time around, to which she convinced you she was innocent.
Then you find this secret phone where she has been exchanging explicit messages with other men, so she has betrayed your trust again.
You say she has not done anything physical, but has she?. or does she intend to?. This is all very worrying, and a huge red flag in my opinion.
Trust is one of the most important factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship will be heading for a downward spiral. And lets be honest here, she is being completely untrustworthy, infact after her convincing you she was innocent, then you finding this secret phone, i think this would be a deal breaker for me.
I mean from now on you going to be always looking over your shoulder, wondering what she is doing when she is out, who she's with.
Does she intend on meeting any of these men from her secret phone?. Maybe she does, maybe she dosen't, who knows.
For me after finding the secret phone, and the explicit correspondence, and then her reaction to it, i would leave this relationship and walk away.
...............................
|
