A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Sorry.. this is a long story.My husband of 2 years and father of my young son has recently gone on a business trip to Eastern Europe and during the trip... he has been speaking with me in such a distant manner like I am an acquaintance or friend. I challenged him regarding his behaviour and asked whether he was meeting someone there. He became very defensive and basically said how could he show his love to me when I don't trust him. But how can he be so distant as this is not the person I know. He would not tell me much about the trip and it's not in line with his usual places of business trips!He did leave me before for 3 months when my youngest was born and I was completely devastated as he just left the country without even telling me.We don't argue a lot, but the physical side of our relationship is non existent. Do you think I should be worried or am I being completely unreasonable?I love him, I feel utterly sick in my stomach and I'm at a loss on how to deal with the situation. Tears dont work (he does not deal with emotion) and I do want to make this work. I think he is considering leaving again and I just can't go through the pain of last time. Please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Okey honey you haven't done anything wrong, take a deep breath, okey..First of can anyone take the baby for a night even weekend? I know it's hard I have two young kids and older boy and my family are miles away so babysitters are hard to come by..If you can get a family member to help that would be terrific, now you need to get our head clear this is your life and child's life your talking about.. And you need to understand that if he does decided to go, he will .. No amount of crying or begging will help.So secondly, tell a good friend or your mother sister and get support about how your feeling.. Ou need it..Thirdly after the baby is at grandma or aunts you and your husband sit and talk, have a nice meal a drink, tell him what you have told us, say that you are only looking for honesty and that you love him but if his feelings have changed then he needs to tell you.. You both have a lot to work out..You cannot keep papering over the cracks as they just cave in after a while..And you want to make your marriage work, but that takes honesty trust and commitment on both sides,, as well as getting the affection in your marriage back on track.. Take care sweetie I do hop it works out for the both of you.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Your marriage has huge cracks in it that have been left unattended. The fact that he left you before when you were pregnant and the lack of sex suggests that he isn't happy and rather than leave you permanently, it looks as if he thinks he can keep you as a peripheral person in his life whilst he has another agenda.
You both need an opportunity to voice how you feel and whether or not you both want to find a solution to fix the marriage.
A good marriage counsellor will be able to guide you through, but you both have to be on board, because it won't work if only one of you wants to save it.
Keep your emotions in check, but ask him if he would consider going to marriage counselling because you think he isn't 100% happy.
Total honesty is what is needed, even if it leads to the marriage ending. It's not possible to have a happy marriage without honesty and emotions alone do not make a good 'glue',but millions of couple remain in dysfunctional marriages because it's easier than tackling the deeper issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Your insecurity is clearly showing. When you sensed him being distant, instead of asking calmly what is going on, you immediately became antagonistic and "challenged" him. Of course he won't tell you the truth when you have that attitude.
And yet you have reason to be paranoid since he did already leave you once he could very well do it again. I think what you need is to rebuild your emotional relationship with him to re-establish trust and communication. This takes a very long time when there's already a history of hurt (could take many years), and both of you have to want to do it. Therefore you should start by talking with him about whether he wants to work on this relationship or not. In the meantime you have to assume that yes he can leave you at any moment, and acknowledge that to him. Just ask him to have the decency to be honest and tell you if he wants to leave so you can make new plans for your life. What you do not want to do, is to pressure him into staying with you. What you should strive for at this point is honesty from him (even if it means he will leave you) rather than creating a certain outcome like him staying. But if he is going to stay, then he should be committed to working with you to rebuild the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): You are describing a bunch of events but I really don't understand what is your question?
He left you for 3 months when you were pregnant? Without telling you? You don't have sex, what kind of marriage is this?
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