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Why has he suddenly gone all cold with me?

Tagged as: Cheating, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2009) 10 Answers - (Newest, 6 December 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hi All,

I accidentally came across this site whilst trying to find ways of getting over someone. I really need some advice...my brain knows what I need to do..yet my heart isnt listening...what is the best thing to do?

3 months ago, there was a guy who provides a business service to my company and somehow we got emailing each other. I had never met him, yet seen a picture of him, yet everytime he emailed me, I got butterflies. He added me onto a social website where I saw pictures of him. He used to text me every day. One day I found out he was married (I have a bf) yet I was still happy to meet him...

This little "affair" happened over a few months, twice he came to see me and on serveral occasions I went to his house when his wife was away on business. I did feel very guilty but I couldnt help how much I liked him...

Then suddenly, he stopped texting, emailing and ringing so often. This past month, I have been trying to ask him why and he says he likes me a lot but is very busy. I go through days where I dont contact him and think I am getting over him, then he texts asking why I havent texted! Its a no-win situation!

I know that I shouldnt contact him...him being "busy" is just an excuse. I've told him that if he doesnt want to see me again, he should just say so...but he wont! I just dont understand...

Why has he suddenly gone all cold with me? I know a women he previously had an affair with is now single, could that be it? Why can't he just tell me thr truth? How can I get over him? I feel pathetic crying over him, my bf doesnt know a thing...:( :( :(

View related questions: affair, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

I know exactly how you feel because I went through a very similar situation. Your usual morals are eroding and people think you're choosing this but it feels more like an emotional addiction. Hearing from or being around that other person make you feel really really good. He's fulfilling something that is missing in your relationship with your boyfriend. When you're not feeling that, you just want to get back to a place where you can.

It doesn't seem like there's much future for you and this man, so unfortunately, the only way (and I mean the ONLY way) to get over him is to cut off contact completely. Do not contact him at all. After 3 to 5 days, you'll have some realizations about how whatever your fantasies were concerning him, they're never going to happen. After two or three weeks you'll be over him if you stay out of contact.

If he contacts you, either don't reply or be very short with him. The more he reaches for you, the better you will feel about yourself, and the easier it will be to let go. It will feel like you've rejected him.

This might sound silly and manipulative, but our emotions and attachments to people make us do silly and manipulative things.

And if you're thinking, "oh, I can be his friend and get over him. I don't need to cut off all contact." Well, I thought that too. I didn't get over her until I cut off all contact.

While you're sad for the first few days, try to talk to friends about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

"I think my post makes it clear what I learned. And no, that's not what happened. " well male anon, if you are saying that your did not destroy your wife and your marriage, good for you. you are very lucky that she decided to give you another chance. some people never get a second chance to rectify their wrongs.

affairs destroy peoples lives and we tend to destroy the very people we claim to love.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

To: "A female reader, anonymous."

I think my post makes it clear what I learned. And no, that's not what happened.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Im not 13-15 lol. not sure how i can change it. i am 23 and he is 31.

i have questioned my morals, i have never agreed with people having affairs, sounds cliche...but when it happens to you, it is very hard. i am not proud of what i have done. i regret meeting him, but at the same time, it is not that easy to just forget about someone!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

"A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):'Everyone told me to stop too and that I would hurt people. I didn't listen because it felt so good. I can only tell you that I wish I had listened." are you saying that your wife left you after your affair was discovered. what have you learnt from your affair?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

"........serveral occasions I went to his house when his wife was away on business....." you had the adacity to go to this married mans HOME and have sex with him while his wife was away working. and now you are crying foul?? and yet you are still sleeping with your boyfriend?? morals darling , morals!!!!!!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your replies...in my head I know that I have to get over this guy...I dont even know what it is about him that i like!

I know that I am being used...but I dont understand why he cant just say that. I know I should be strong enough and tell him that I dont want to see him anymore....Why cant he just tell me? Maybe I am being young and naive, but why are there people out there who use others?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

If you are really 13-15 years old, you should not be going to married men's houses for any reason when their wives are out of town. You are giving him the opportunity to get himself into lots of trouble.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

He might have stopped texting you because his wife found out and is watching him. He's made up some excuse to cover his ass, no doubt. He is married, after all. You are right to feel guilty. What you two are doing is bound to hurt everyone involved. You are already hurting. If his wife finds out, she'll be devastated. And think about your boyfriend! This guy is going to have to choose eventually who he's going to hurt more, you or her.

I have been in your friend's position, no sex -- an emotional affair. Everyone got hurt.

He's already cheated twice (once with the now-single girl and once with you -yes, it's cheating-) and now he might be cheating on you with his other mistress.

I understand that it feels great. Everyone told me to stop too and that I would hurt people. I didn't listen because it felt so good. I can only tell you that I wish I had listened.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2009):

He's married, and used you as a fling, as he had used the woman before you as nothing more than a fling as well. He didn't leave his wife for her, he wont for you. He's collected notches his bedpost. You're being used, so decide whether you want to be some mistress, who is used for the rest of her life by this pretty shabby man, or whether you'd prefer to be someone who is important to another man who will love you and commit to you.

And let go of your boyfriend too, you don't love him enough to be with him. Focus on your own life now, and find a man who who you do love. Not just one boyfriend who is sat twiddling his thumbs, and another man who is using you.

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