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Why does my boyfriend make me so upset and hurt all the time, while my male best friend does the opposite?

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 September 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 27 October 2009)
A female Australia, anonymous writes:

Why does my bf make me so upset, anxious and hurt all the time, where as my best male friend does the opposite?

My bf is never there to support me. Whenever I need him, he has always been drinking so he cant be supportive, becuase when he drinks he gets really, nasty, insensitive or simply just doesnt care about me and only cares about sleeping and sex.

My best male friend however, is always there for me. If I cry, he wont leave me until Im feeling better. My bf just gives up if I dont "snap out of it".

My bf says I will fail at my career because of who I am (he wants me to change my values, personality etc to be more like him and his friends). My friend however, has complete faith in me.

My bf's friends all pick on me. They talk down to me and make fun of my Christian values. They say im weird. my bf doesnt stick up for me. He agrees with them. This hurts so much. My friend however, he stands up for me to anyone. Once his boss made a dirty comment to me, and he stood up for me, even though it was to his boss!!

My bf tells me something is wrong with me. He says im not right. That i am not normal and need to change. I am crying so much just writing this. To hear someone say that to you hurts so much. I hate myself, because he hates me. I guess some of my values are unusual, like I dont drink and Im waiting for sex until there is a strong commitment. My bf is the complete opposite. I dont try to change him though, even though he tries to change me. I accept he drinks, im fine with it, its just not right for me personally.

My bf and his friends show me no respect. They put alcohol in my drinks and say its non alcoholic. Of course when I take a sip I find out its got alcohol in it.

His family even do this to me. Once I went away for a week with my bf and his family and my bf said I was a dissapointment to him because I didnt want to drink. He told me i was weird and that everyone does it, so i should too. Being away from home and stuck with his family for a whole week, i gave in and drunk. And I got quite drunk and sick considering i had never really drunk before, it had a big effect on me. That night...what did he do? tried to have sex with me. We didnt go all the way, but pretty much. I was so drunk that i didnt have the energy to stop him. I said no so many times, but he didnt listen and i didnt have the physical ability to try to stop him anymore. I just felt so sick like i was going to pass out. I feel so violated. And angry. But he acts like he did nothing wrong.

When I told my best friend what happened, he was away with work at the time, but he flew all the way back home to see me anyway. His support is soo amazing, i cant believe it. Doesnt even make sense to me why he would be like this. Why is he so nice and caring to me, and my own bf isnt? My friend said that if hewere in a relationship with me he would wait and would never force me into anyrthing i idndt want too. He also respects my choice to not drink and understands it.

My bf makes me feel like there is so much wrong with me and i am the cause for all our relationship problems. He says i have trust issues and if i just trusted him and had sex then everything wouldbe ok. He said it will bring us closer together. he said if i truly love him then i would do it, as i would want to see him that happy.

The thing is though, i dont trust him because he doesnt respect me. And u just dont give people trust, trust is earnt over time. He doesnt understand that though. He thinks i should of trusted him from the moment I met him, just beause hes 'one of the good guys'.

I feel so messed up right now. I know it sounds crazy but i look up to him and i want to please him, thats why i want to stay in this relationship. i have to prove to him that i am good enough to him. i want him to understand that and see it. i dont want to give up until he sees that i am good for him.

View related questions: alcoholic, best friend, christian, drunk

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009):

Please leave him!!! He is in noway close to being good enough for you!!! I have been in a similar relationship and wish that I had just left without a word. Being a drinker he probably won't notice your gone and for the best. Drunk guys make the biggest jerks and make big dramatic deal over breakups. Just ride off into the sunset with your Best Friend and live happily ever after in the arms of the man who truly cares!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009):

He doesn't love you.

He doesn't care about you.

If he says he loves you it is a lie coming from his lips.

Please leave this BASTARD.

If you never met a man again a lifetime of lonliness would be happier than a lifetime of cruelty with this completely nasty piece of work.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009):

Girl no one can tell you what to do you will only do what you really want to do. The biggest mistake we as woman make are not making a best friend a boy friend. Why wouldnt you? your worried it will destroy the friendship? You should be friends with your man first. A lot of woman dont get that and its a key to having a strong good HEALTHY relationship. Dont just split from your man - first talk to him when hes not drunk / drinking, Dont say hey we need to TALK - scares the little puppies to death ~ but just say hey let me put something in your ear real quick, and spit it out - I have an issue with the way things are going, i dont want this to take long so let me put it out like this, some things need to change o our relationship status does. I know nohing is that easy, but if your still with your man your there for a reason - so try to talk to him. If that doesnt work then LEAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT HAPPY NO OTHER REASON !!!!!

Just make sure you arent temporarily infatuated with your best friend and the way he treats you, and you arent holding you boyfriend up to unusual standards. from your question / comments your not - but dont compare the two of them either way - you dont want him to ask his friends why your not as fun as his best friend who is blonde and perfect right?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009):

Your boyfriend is a jerk and borderlined abusive. I'd get rid of him immediately and have a a heart to heart with your male friend about the kind of support you will need to heal. If he's on board with that, he may just be a keeper. Of course, that is assuming you feel the same way about him. It sounds like it may take some time to sort that out. Just my two cents. Under no circumstances would I stay with your current boyfriend. He sounds very self destructive and will drag you down with him. One way or the other, take care of yourself.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (25 September 2009):

LazyGuy agony auntDon't bother asking for help if you can't read the answers.

The point is simple, you date the guy who treats you bad, not the guy who treats you right.

Can't put it any simpler, that you can't see it, that is your real problem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

LazyGuy: I didnt "fuck" my bf. If you read the post then you should know we didnt have sex, and the sexual things we did were while i was DRUNK. I wasnt in a position to stop it, i was almost passing out. Get your facts right before juding.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (24 September 2009):

Get rid of your boyfriend instantly. He's not worthy of you at all.

Your best male friend completeley fancies you, so maybe think about going with him? If you're not interested at all, I'd suggest just staying away from guys and giving yourself some time to heal. There are other men out there. But get rid of this loser now.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (24 September 2009):

LazyGuy agony auntWhy do you fuck the guy who hurts you and not the guy who doesn't?

When you found the answer to that question, then the problem has been solved because you would no longer be in this relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009):

I'm going to have to be blunt with this -

Your best friend is in love with you. And your boyfriend isn't.

I hope you can be stong enough to walk away from the pain yur boyfriend causes you.

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A male reader, jaxky Indonesia +, writes (24 September 2009):

maybe it's time to change the status of the people;

your male friend - your boy friend

your boyfriend - your male friend

ever thought about that..?

why waste your time and energy with someone who doesn't appreciate you..? if you say love, then i'm sorry dear.. it isn't love, it is foolishness..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009):

I don't know why your boyfriend is so awful to you, and your best friend is lovely to you. I guess it is differences in personality. Your friend sounds like a nice, decent person, who respects and cares for you. Your boyfriend sounds like a bullying, insensitive, cruel person.

I would firtly like to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can imagine you must be feeling very upset right now. The thing is though, I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you. You sound normal to me. You do not need to change. In fact, I would say that it is your boyfriend who is not the normal one. He's the one with the problem.

You do not have weird values either. If wanting to wait until you are in a secure relationship before having sex is weird...well, that makes me weird too. And a lot of other people out there. It is not weird, it is your preference.

It seems like your boyfriend is only interested in putting you down, making you feel bad, and trying to have sex with you. It doesn't sound like he cares about you at all. I am sorry if it hurts when I say that. But that is what I think.

What do you get from your boyfriend? He is making you hate yourself, which indicates a very toxic relationship to me. I don't usually say this, but my advice would be to get away from him as soon as possible. I fear that there will be very little of you left by the time he has finished battering your self-esteem. And I have to say, I am quite worried for your safety. He sounds like he would go to any lengths to try and get you in a compromising sexual situation. It sounds like he wouldn't care if you said "NO". That sounds extremely scary to me, and worries me a lot.

You say that you want to stay in the relationship, to prove that you are good enough for him. You want him to understand that and see that. But I don't think he will. I don't think you will ever be good enough in his eyes. No matter what you do, no matter how much you try to please him and be everything he wants, it will never be enough. He will still tell you you are weird. He will still make you feel worthless. That is just the way he is.

And you know what? I agree. You are not good enough for him. No. You are MILES TOO GOOD FOR HIM. Okay? That is what I think. You don't deserve him. You deserve better. But he has ground you down so much, made you feel so bad about yourself, that part of you thinks this is all you deserve.

Nobody can force you to leave this guy. It is your decision. But that is the only advice I can offer. I can't offer any advice on how to improve the relationship, because I honestly cannot think of a single thing. No matter what you do, he will be the same. Not because you have a problem, but because HE does.

As for your friend, he sounds wonderful. I am relieved to hear that you have such a friend in your life. I am sure it must be hard for him to see all this happening to you. Have you spoken to him about this situation? Maybe he could offer some advice to you also. At the very least, I think you could look to him as an example, an example of how you deserve to be treated.

Well, I hope you are able to find a way through this difficult situation. Please be kind to yourself, you are perfect just as you are. I'll be thinking about you. xxx

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