A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there,So my guy and I have been together for two months or so now, and things seem pretty great. We see each other about once or twice a week, and usually we go out to dinner or to a movie. We have moved very fast emotionally and sexually, and to be completely honest it's all very new to me. He's older, about 13 years to be exact, so he's a bit more experienced than me when it comes to relationships. We have sex multiple times whenever we see each other, and it's always great, but lately we have been getting more intense. Like, he will wrap his hand around my neck while I'm on top of him and squeeze just enough to catch my breath. then he will let go, but it's always intense because he will stare right into my eyes. I'm not going to lie, it turns me on but it makes me wonder if this is normal?? He also grabs my hair a lot during sex, and he spanks me. I feel so funny writing this down, but I've really been wondering how normal this is. Once we had sex seven times in one night. I know it sounds really great (It is!) but because he is older sometimes I worry that our relationship is too "sexual" or that he might start seeing me as a "slut". We do however spend a lot of time talking and just hanging out together too. I feel very close to him, but I'm afraid that he might start seeing me differently if I continue to let him dominate me like that in bed. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your thoughtful answers! It seems like there is a lot of wisdom on this site. You brought up a lot of things I have been thinking about. I will definitely talk to him about this and try to work on the other parts of our relationship. Just to clarify, he is a wonderful person and very affectionate outside of the bedroom. He always does things for me, like fixing stuff, holding my hand when it's cold, etc. I think it's more than the sex, since he tells me how amazing he thinks I am and seems genuine. I am not sure why I am so confused by the dominating thing in bed, I guess it's just new to me. particularly the choking thing! But I suppose I should just ask him what he thinks. Anyways, thank you again for your advice!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 See if he can explore gentle love making, tantra style love making. If he can only be aroused by being dominating, then he has a problem. There is a slut and goddess within you. If he only chooses to see the little girl slut side because it makes him feel like a man then he is ignoring the other side of you. I get after the 10000the time of spanking you it will lose its kinkiness. You have to explore other ways to be intimate otherwise your sex will stop at that level and will not rise higher.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2012):
 WE play rough too.. .that's how we describe it... I like it too...
what you need to do is talk to him about it...
not abnormal if you are both ok with it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Define " normal " . This is called a paraphilia , how normal paraphilias are ? Normal as :he does not need to be mentally disturbed or socially deviant to enjoy that- it's surely normal.
Normal as, oh sure, everybody does it, it happens all the time, then is not normal. It's a " niche " sexual interest.
I think the gist of your question is : does this guy like me for me or because most other women would not accept his way to have sex ? Is he with me by choice or by default ?..
That's up to you to find out. You say that you talk and communicate, but you also say that ,whenever you meet, you have sex mutiple times. Why ? It does not have necessarily to be so ( since you see each other decently often, too ).
Propose him to spend an entire day just hiking, or visiting museums, or cuddling, or...fill the blank, whatever you like, and see if he's game. You can explain him if you want that you are not punishing him or playing games, you just want your r/ship to grow and get more intimate at all levels, not just sexually, and that to know each other people need to spend plenty of time together also out of bed.
If he sees how this is reasonable , he won't have a problem, if he sulks , bolts or pulls back, - then probably he just wants a buddy in kinkyness.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (8 February 2012):
 My ex used to do both those things and I loved it. But then I preferred that dominant aspect in bed. But you have to tell him what you're comfortable with and what you're not.If he's got self-control and is paying attention to the state you're in that's one thing.But if it's out of your comfort zone or you get any other creepy, disconcerting feeling then stop because they may be more to it that you don't need any part of. It all needs to be consensual. Know your limits never do anything you're not ready to do. And talk talk talk about it with him. Communication is SO important!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Yeah it's normal enough, it's not everyone's cup of tea but that doesn't mean it's wrong.
I understand your worries though OP, there is cause for concern here. There needs to be a balance here. You're letting this become all about sex and the only way to ensure it's not is to balance it out with non-sexual dating.
First off talk to him though, he started to dominate you far too early for my tastes, 2 months in and he's already treating you like a "slut" but he has to treat you like a princess too, there has to be a balance. The chances are very high that you're already a "slut" in his mind and the other times he's only nice so he can get you in that position.
The only way to tell for sure is to ease off a bit on the sex. Don't pull back too much but do make sure you have non-sexual dates that are definitely not going to turn into sex later. You know? Go to the cinema or for dinner but then go home afterwards instead of going having sex. If he's very persistent about getting you alone and starts to turn a bit sour when he doesn't get sex then you know his deal.
Now you say you do hang out a lot etc and you don't mind the domination thing at all, you're just worried about the way he sees you. Then it would be a good idea to have a talk to him about the whole thing. You see it's okay to have rough dominant sex if you like it too but you do need your mind to be put at ease and maybe slowing the relationship down a small bit will stop it burning out so quickly too.
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