A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. He is 24 and i am 19. He has a 5 year old daughter in which i have learned to love. I used to be jealous of their relationship but im learning not to be. His ex girlfriend is not in the picture besides when its about his daughter but it is very ackward when we drop his daughter off with her, or when she comes to pick her up. I just dont like the way it feels, ecspecially when she calls, he doesnt understand the way i feel and when any of my ex's talk to me he gets mad. but i constantly get his ex thrown in my face everyday by his mom and sister. We have talked about having kids together when we were like 8 months into our relationship and now he is saying that he doesnt want kids with me. He told me in the beginning that if i would have had kids he would not have dated me, yet i am dating him and he has a daughter??? I just dont understand. Yes i love him with all my heart and I care for his daughter as if she was my own, but why does he not want kids with me?? and how do i get over the fact that I get uncomfortable whenever his ex is brought up and how can i stop getting angry when she calls or texts? its been 4 years since they have been broken up, so why am i so worried? plz help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Why do you want to have kids with this man? Is it because you can really see yourself raising a child with him after a couple months of dating or is it that you want to be on par with his ex ? I am guessing it's the latter.
You make it sound as if he's being hypocritical by not wanting to having kids with you. He's not. However, he is probably acutely aware that having kids is expensive (perhaps having more than one is beyond his means), a lot of work, and it means he has to negotiate and interact with a former partner in the interest of his child. He sounds relatively responsinsible.
Jealousy and your own personal anxiety is not a particularly great motivation for having children. It might be better to conquer your own insecurities before trying to bring a child into the world.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Ok first of lets deal with the issue of his ex. I understand that it would be hard for you i really do but i guess you just need to understand that he will always be linked with his ex due to his daughter and they will always share the fact that they have a child together. You will just need to accept that if you want to be with him and i guess be thankful that he is taking on the responsibility of his child. Dont let jelousy ruin a good relationship as it will just drive him away just accept that he is the mother of his child and nothing more.
Ok as for you wanting to have his baby. What is the rush you are only 19 you have plenty of time to settle down and start a family. He obviously is not ready to have children with you, he already has a child and he probably regrets that his daughter has a broken home and doesnt want to make the same mistake twice. You need to both be solid and not be jelous with each other before you start thinking of bringing a child in to it.
You need to sit down with him and ask him what he wants. Dont rush him in to having more children just try and make the relationship good. He is obviously not ready to have more children. Goodluck.
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