A
female
age
41-50,
*ad Lonely Girl
writes:Hi I have the same problem with men all the time My friends tell me Im good looking, fun to be around, very smart the only problem I have is with men Like the last guy I was with we had been going out for a few months and when I slept with him last week he dumped me this week I just feel so used and dirty I want advice on how to stop this from happening again its so so upsetting and hurtful - why do men do this?? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I think your expression, "I just feel so used and dirty " says it all. Anyone that views sex in that re-guard must feel awkward to be physical with. Start working on bringing out the natural sexual being inside you. Sex is no more 'dirty' than eating food and breathing air, just a part of life.
A
female
reader, Sad Lonely Girl +, writes (22 June 2011):
Sad Lonely Girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice I have taken your advice and I did ask afew very close male friednds they replied with the following:
- Very kind person
- Loving
- Honest
- Great in bed
No I never speak of marriage/kids/or anything of the future to a man and this has only happened to me twice both men I had been going out with for 2 months, the reason I feel used/dirty is because Im upset ashamed that this happened to me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): I don't think sleeping with a man after a few months dating is wrong or gives a bad impression - if you always slept with them on the first night - well thats totally different
As you say ALL the men you date vanish after sex I have to ask where you meet these users? Most women may come across 1 or 2 of them but not every man is like this at all!
Alot of women are attractive,clever,fun etc but maybe your too much fun, not relationship material in their eyes?
Ask a male relative for an honest insight into your attitude to dating and bad choice of men
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Most men don't just use a woman and toss her aside like Kleenex. If you'd only had this problem with one or two then it's them. If you've experienced this sort of thing with 'men all the time' then the problem is you, specifically something you're doing.
It could be the type of man you're attracted to or your expectations. You could, as Tisha suggests, ask for feedback from past dates though I don't know how candid they're going to be. And they might mistake your motive for contacting them again. Better to ask a few trusted male friends.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 My guess is that your expectations don't match theirs. You say this has happened many times?
Then I'm sad to say that I think something changes after you have sex. Either they think it means something different than you do or the sex is so appalling that they don't come back or is is possible you change your approach to them? That you assume a relationship that isn't actually confirmed yet?
Now I think most men would say that sex is good, no matter how bad it is. So I would probably rule out the 'bad sex' option.
I'd suggest that you contact the last few guys who have dumped you and asked why it is that you weren't 'girlfriend' material. Maybe some uncomfortable honesty might help you find the next guy?
"She looks great but smells like my dirty socks."
"She's an amazing woman but keeps staring at my chin and nose like I was the only oxygen dispenser on Venus."
"She's amazing but I get the sense she doesn't really like men much."
Ask your male friends for an honest assessment. It might be uncomfortable at the time but I could really pay off!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 June 2011):
 I am going to second CaringGuy's opinion. It sounds like you've been finding some duds of late -- those that are interested in just bedding you and then moving on. Sadly, there are a lot of guys like that -- ones that aren't in it for the long term.
How long do you wait before having sex? If it is just a few dates (or less), you are setting yourself up for failure. Let's face it, after a few dates, you barely know the other person.
Are you scaring off guys by talking marriage / kids / long-term commitments too soon? Many men can run for the hills if they sleep with you and the next morning you are talking about marriage. If that is your goal, then I think you need to invest a bit more into getting to know someone before sleeping with them.
Finally, take a look at your dating patterns. How well did you know the individuals you had been with? Where did you meet them? If you keep doing the same things, you are bound to get the same results. Look for what went wrong and do something different and your next relationship is likely to turn out better.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 I would wait much much longer before becoming intimate with any man. If you're looking just for sex and not a relationship then go for it I guess, but I still don't buy that outlook. Having sex willy-nilly just cheapens it with the next relationship IMO not to mention the STD risks associated with it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, people should do some deep research into HPV and its potential consequences which would dissuade many trysts people blindly get into, especially since using protection is no guarantee for anything.
While a few months may seem long to many, it is nothing in my book. How well do you really know a guy by then? How many times did you actually see one another in that time. How much time did you actually spend together? Did you meet his family? His friends? Do you really know what the guy is about and who he is by that time? I would hazard to guess the answers to all that is limited and a resounding NO in that in retrospect you really knew very little about the person. In that limited amount of time, it is much more feasible to string someone along and the bond created is not very strong. Chances are the guy or guys you speak of had no intention to be with you long term and just wanted to hang around long enough to bang you, one more notch. Unless you're into notches, just don't play that game by allowing yourself to be a victim.
So yes, you may well be choosing the wrong type of guy, but simply increasing your time frame in terms of sex and overall intimacy is what will allow you to weed out almost all players, man-whores, douches, low-life's, scumbags, etc. When they read there will be no sex coming their way, watch how they drop from the picture.
Increase the time to a year or more and you will certainly know more about the guy in terms of his intentions AND as to whether or not you even want to share such intimacy with him in the first place. You may well learn that your initial thoughts are proven very wrong. Your investment in one another would have been much larger as well, and thus less likely to throw it away at the first sign of trouble in paradise. You would ideally have spent much more time together and see his behavior in a multitude of situations, not just those situations that make the guy out to be a nice and dreamy dude, when that may actually be the farthest from the truth. You'd ideally see his behavior under pressure to see what he is made of. While you are party to the experience, try to be objective as whether you realize it or not you are and need to size your partner up in terms of his long term compatibility if that is what you truly desire.
In a nutshell, you need to get a little bit wiser in how you go about things. I think I have given you some highly actionable advice. Make it work for you and I'm sure your experiences will do an about face in terms of their longer term success in the relationship department and you will be much more satisfied as a result.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (22 June 2011):
 I would say there is something that changes between you and that man after sex becomes involved.
How was the relationship PRIOR to becoming sexually involved?
Why do you feel dirty and used? You are a grown woman and had sex willingly too.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 June 2011):
Unfortunately, the fact that you generalized this to all men shows that the problem may be your own choice, rather than men themselves. I've never just used a woman like that, and I know a lot of other guys who haven't used women either.
The problem may well be your type. Everyone has something they look for in a partner - hair, eyes, hobbies, aims, achievements, shared problems etc etc. It unfortunately appears that the type you wind up with are the type that go on to use you.
I would say you need to sit down and really look at what you're attracted to in men. I would also say that you perhaps need to look at your own level of self esteem - if you're attracted to this type of man, there is a good chance that your esteem may be a bit low.
Not all men do this - it's a specific type, and sadly many women are attracted to this type.
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