A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We broke up a few months ago and there are times where i can't stop thinking about him. This guy was everything to me, we were together for 4 years but obviously things weren't working out.- I was the bread winner and mostly taking care of him financially, making sure he had a roof over his head, bills were paid, food on our plates (he worked but his job didn't pay so much and sometimes he would have periods without income). I would get him little presents, get him to accompany me on holidays.- He was in regular contact with his ex (we had numerous arguments about it and he would end up choosing staying in contact with her and I just shut up and accepted it). - His friends are losers. When we went to parties, I had to keep an eye on him because he would drink to the point he would black out. I always thought he would at least keep me safe, but once at a party at his friends' house, he disappeared and a friend of his loser friends raped me. - My friends and family didn't like him (some thought he beat me which he never did, but his personality is very dominant and he would easily get into verbal arguments with other people).We did have some good things in our time together, but it was mostly on a connection/emotional level. My ex did have some qualities that I appreciated but I couldn't ignore anymore what I wrote above. Why do I miss him when when he didn't have much respect for me? In a way I feel so much better off without him, and see that I am a completely independent person and feel proud of what I have accomplished in my life and see that I have done so much more since we broke up. However I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop checking his facebook. We don't have any direct contact but sometimes I wish we could get back together and talk again. I miss interacting with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): I think you miss having an intimate partner in your life, someone to talk to and share daily life with. You may not be missing him as a person so much as you are missing the role he played in your life.It could also be that because you've invested a lot of time, energy and emotions into the relationship, you still cant fully accept or believe it was really all for nothing. There's a period of grieving for what could have been and wanting so much for all your sacrifice to have been worth it. People feel that way not just about relationships but about big personal projects that didn't pan out, or big investments that got lost. Just give it more time, it will take awhile but you will gradually start to miss him less and less. It will also help if you don't check up on his facebook.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 August 2013):
 Going through the withdrawal process of a love -- especially one as long term as yours -- is definitely an emotional drain. You have my sympathies and I know what you are going through. I know at one point in my life I went through the exact same situation; except my relationship wasn't as long as yours, it still hurt just as much. I think I felt more hurt for far longer than the relationship itself.
You've obviously spent a significant amount of your life with this other person and while mentally you know you are better off, emotionally you are still missing the intimacy, the closeness and the bond that you had with another person. Sure there were lots of bad times, but you also had a lot of good times too.
The important thing is to acknowledge to yourself that you miss him and know that in time you WILL meet someone special. One who won't be reckless at parties, more devoted to his ex than you, etc... You WILL be amazed that you stuck it out for as long as you did with your ex when in fact there are tons of great mates out there that will make your ex pale in comparison.
The catch is you have to be ready and willing to find your next love. That means getting out and being social, improving yourself (physically and mentally) and also setting some personal goals that you want to accomplish in order to better yourself. I think when you boost your self worth and realize what you have to offer, the thoughts of your ex will become distant memories.
Keep in mind, however, that these will never totally disappear. Just acknowledge the good and the bad and realize the personal emotional maturity that has resulted from it. That knowledge will help you find another love without having to put up with extra relationship garbage.
Trust me when I say: better times are in store for you.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): You were in a relationship with that man for four years.
That's a big chunk out of your young life.
You cared for him, as if he was your adolescent son. There must have been a few wonderful times in your relationship over the course of four years.
He was just a "bad habit."
He was your dependent, a pet-project, and a failure of a boyfriend. You got no return for such a huge investment.
He would make a great theme for a country-song.
Your self-esteem started to decline over-time; as is the case for many women or men, in such situations.
You got used to him, and you became addicted to having him around. You convinced yourself that having any man, is better than no man at all. There is no common-sense behind that kind of thinking.
Your mission was to fix him; and be his vehicle to becoming a better man.
It was purely emotional, and totally illogical.
Your mind fixated on the infrequent "good times" in that relationship. On the rare occasions that things were good; endorphins are released; and you're filled with dopamine.
You were in a state of euphoria, and you thought it was love. What you forgot was, loves has to go both-ways.
He had the obligation of fulfilling your needs as well. He also needed to take care of you. To share your burdens. Carry his own weight. You took on all of it. Who knows why?
You felt rewarded for your good deeds when things "incidentally" were going well. Everything else in between was punishment. So you worked toward getting things back to the good times. It was your motivation; you slaved for that good high. It became more of chore, as time progressed. You just couldn't get that original high. So you just kept trying. You had to prove to all those nay-sayers you weren't making a big mistake. You resisted good advice.
You left parents, family, friends, and neighbors shaking their heads in disbelief.
Yet you miss that asshole???
You really had no control either-way. He contributed nothing to the relationship, it was you doing all the work.
Your addicted mind was fooling you. You took on being Mother Theresa, caring for a wretched soul. He would have been homeless and pathetic; were it not for you. Only you could see the good in him.
He was the source of your high.
You longed for those "good times" and they must have become precious to you. You craved those endorphins. You had to justify giving, he had to make you feel good for it. You just wanted to feel happy, and for him to be the source.
Our happiness is a personal responsibility. It is not in the hands of other people. They have no control over that.
From what you say, good times were extremely rare. So you cherished them like a fix. You got so high you just couldn't wait for the next. You fixated on that guy, and became addicted to just having him around. He gave you purpose. He made you feel useful and needed. Nothing else. You were otherwise; miserable. You were a work-mule. His bread and butter.
One thing you knew for certain; he would never abandon you!!! The driving force deep down inside you couldn't see behind all this. Abandonment is dreadful.
Like people who break a smoking addiction; at some point long after they've stopped smoking, they may crave a cigarette. They know it's bad for them, gives them bad breath, the habit was hard to break, and can cause cancer and heart disease. Yet they still crave a cigarette. I've heard smokers who have quit for years, say they could use one when they're stressed or lonely. Especially, after great sex.
Your phantom-craving is nagging at you.
You sincerely did care about him. You cared for the stray mutt for so long; and felt so sorry for him, your heart would probably feel a little better if you knew he was okay.
There is no gratitude. He didn't have it in him. He felt all-deserving.
He took too much from you. He sucked life from you, and broke your spirit. You broke your back taking care of a guy who bullied you. He depended on you for nearly everything.
He took your commitment for granted. He just made life harder for you in exchange for your devotion and financial support. He gave it no real effort.
So you over-compensated, trying to get that high.
You outgrew that wretched addiction. You came to your senses.
You are a relentless care-giver. You miss being needed in such a way. Although; the recovering smarter-side of you says he is totally wrong for you.
How do I read you so well? Because I have the same nature; but I wouldn't allow myself to go so far as to be abused and used up. The wisdom of experience, and the advice received in earlier times; kept me from going down the same path. I have a care-giving nature; but I know how to use it in a more constructive and practical way. I don't have a nurturing instinct; but I come damn near close. I can be quite protective. Some people just bring out that side of you. They seem like a vulnerable little bird with a broken-wing. The cats are stalking them. We are their savior.
You ran into one of those people.
You have freed yourself, and it is one of the most brave and powerful things you'll ever do in a life-time.
To save yourself before someone destroys you takes a lot of strength. So many men and women just give in, and waste their lives.
The end result is bitterness, resentment, and loneliness. They become angry looking back. Forgetting, it was their choice.
Celebrate your freedom and release from that burden. You were not placed on this earth to be a martyr. You have to allow yourself to grow and flourish in an environment where there is a fair exchange of caring. You'll be blessed for the giving.
You deserve loving care, for loving care. Not a one-sided deal. The person who realized that side of me, set me free. You helped me to realize that. Your story has helped me, now let me help you with my wisdom.
My guy was generous, giving, but couldn't return the emotional commitment that I can give so easily. It made him feel guilty and exposed. He really tried. He often asked me why was I so good to him? He didn't know how to handle it.
He tried to substitute with gifts, trips, and material things. There was something I could give that he couldn't find within himself. Yet, he needed it. He wasn't like your ex, just a sponge. Nor was he dominating. He just absorbs, but can't give back. He was loving to his kids, his mother, and his possessions. After his divorce, something within him is broken. He is ice-cold to his ex-wife. He pretends she doesn't exist. It gives me shivers. It goes beyond getting over someone. It's pure hatred. He won't forgive and forget. That's what's scary.
He and I exchanged great passion, otherwise. For me, sex is not enough. I need to feel loved in return. Not just being appreciated for being good to someone. It's not the same.
He never allowed himself to be vulnerable or open. I did.
Your "logical" mind will correct your "emotional" heart. You're just going through part of your withdrawal.
Addictions haunt people over a life-time. The good thing about our addictions to people, is that we do learn to get over them for good. It's curable. Only the memory may linger; not the pain and desire. The craving will go away.
Only people who want to hang on and refuse to let go, is it a miserable lifelong burden. They don't realize their own value. They placed it in being with that person. They are in need of professional help.
You will heal 100%; when your mind convinces your foolish heart, that he didn't need you. He used you.
He exploited your addiction. It is difficult to define what you felt, as love. It started out that way; but he somehow tainted it.
Be thankful for being so young. His memory will fade, and what you feel will dissipate. That albatross you're still carrying around your neck will fall away. Just don't look back.
I assure you, that you did the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
Moving on is the best thing we both can do for ourselves.
Once in-awhile; a story hits home. Your story helped me to find a missing piece. Something I over-looked in my own introspection. Maybe I purposely ignored it. You made it come to light.
Thanks for helping me, I hope I helped you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 You get lonely after a break up now that there is a void in your life. Your ex boyfriend wasn't all bad. There was some sweet moments too. People fight so hard, work on the relationships, for what, for that little bit of sweetness that's hard to come by. You finally say to yourself enough is enough and the fight wasn't worth it. The bad outweighed the good. Love shouldn't be that difficult and it shouldn't hurt. Your mind is trying to trick you and suck you back into this relationship because something is better than nothing.
It is a hard adjustment to make, going from a 4 year relationship to now nothing. Give your mind a rest. There was once I was so attached to a person that I felt my life was over without him. Now I am like, what was I thinking, single life is fine and peaceful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): You sound a lot like how I feel even still sometimes. I am finally divorcing my husband who sounds pretty similar to how your bf was, as terrible as he was to me, sometimes I find myself thinking about the good times and wishing we could go back.Here's the thing-don't disillusion yourself just thinking about the good times. As you've pointed out, the guy sounds like he was a loser and didn't appreciate you or care about how you feel.Try to remember the reality of how things really were, keep busy, hang out and talk with friends and try not to stalk his facebook. It can be hard to do, but if you can disconnect from that, you won't be driving yourself crazy seeing/wondering what he is up to.Just count your blessings that your relationship is over and you are now free to either be single or meet a man who will treat you the way your deserve to be treated.I married my loser boyfriend, and as we are going through this divorce, I question my judgement every day. Be glad you didn't make anything permanent!
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