A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 24 and my boyfriend is 28 and we have been together almost 4 years. he lives in a one bedroom apartment and i still live with my parents as its closer for me to get to work. i visit and stay with him from a friday until a monday, sometimes until a wednesday, all depending what days i work that particular week. things havent been great between us for a while now but we are trying to work through it but there's a BIG problem that is annoying me more and more each day. his brother. his brother was made homeless due to his own stupidity (not paying his rent) and my boyfriend, being the good sibling that he is, invited him to stay until he got himself sorted.i was fine with it at first, but that was a year ago now and he is still there. he is in the way and i want him out. i go to the shops regularly to get a couple of bottles of wine for me and my boyfriend to have a quiet evening in together, to watch films, etc, but none of that is possible with his brother there, in the bedroom, rolling around all over the bed sheets, talking loudly on the phone, playing his stupid childish music at stupid hours, and when we decide to go to bed, by that time his brother is usually snoring away tucked up in our bed, where he has been eating food and making a mess everywhere. i am a very clean person and i dont take kindly to squalor and when i try to explain this to my boyfriend he says i am overreacting and that i cant expect him to throw his brother out just because i dont like him being there 24/7. i clean up for my boyfriend every week, wash his clothes, clean the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, living room.. but nothing stays clean for long with that pig being there. he uses my towels that i put on the towel rail for ME to use after a shower, he uses my hairspray and i have caught him dipping his fingers in my moisturiser! i assume that he just takes it because he hasn't paid for it and that he can get away with taking my stuff. i sometimes leave a bottle of wine for the following weekend, but of course, its never there when i get back because hes drank it. he eats the food that i bring down for me and my boyfriend, he just takes everything that is mine and ive really had enough of it. i try talking to my boyfriend about it all the time but he doesnt listen. he tells me that blood is thicker than water and he will always be his brother whereas i might not always be his girlfriend. he says if i dont want my stuff to get taken, used, or eaten then i should take it home with me. this has put an even bigger strain on our relationship and he doesnt see that hes pushing me away by not sticking up for me. it feels like there is 3 of us in this relationship and he seems happy with that! i dont know what to do anymore, i get so angry when i get there to find that his brother has taken all my things, but when he goes out and its just me and my boyfriend on our own, then im happy again but he wont ask his brother to move out. i have been thinking about leaving him over this. i know it may sound petty to some people but his brother is costing me money by taking my things all the time and my boyfriend isnt willing to do anything about it. but how do i walk away after nearly 4 years?? how do i go about getting on with life without him, not seeing or speaking to him when hes all ive known for 4 years? the thought is daunting but at the same time its also daunting for me to spend another day in his brothers company! someone please try and help me.. am i wrong for wanting his brother to move out?
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (15 August 2013):
 Thank you for your update. It's great to hear that you're recognising just how much you're worth and that you're going to use this confidence and self-respect to stand up for how you deserve to be treated.That's very interesting that his brother actually does have a job- I'd assumed that the whole issue was something of an act of charity for his brother. But if he's working then he SHOULD NOT be continuing to leach off his brother and pinching your things. Why ever doesn't he want to find his own life?!And you're right about the little things mattering too. He's overstepped the line with the bigger things and made you feel uncomfortable in the place you stay with your partner. This isn't share and share a-like. This isn't a merry 'help yourself to mine in return'. At this point, not only is it about the principle and the lack of respect, but about how uncomfortable he is making you feel; to the extent that you can barely put anything down for fear he'll literally pinch it.I have no doubt that his brother MUST be aware to some extent of how he is making you feel, although he could be selectively-deaf to the full extent of the upset and animosity which he is causing so as he can carry on acting as poorly as he is.I really have to wonder about WHY his brother is being so pathetic. He's acting as third wheel in a relationship and he's pushing you two apart. I do wonder if he is hoping to have more of the run of the place if he can split you two up. But if his brother can't see that and support you, then it's certainly not worth fighting over someone that wouldn't deserve you anyway.But what does his brother really want from his life in the long run? Surely he doesn't want to continue living on top of your boyfriend in such claustrophobic conditions forever!Regardless, you certainly shouldn't have to be in a relationship with three people in it, and you shouldn't have to fight for your 'position' as his brother's partner. It's great that you're going to talk to your partner about all this. If he listens and is supportive, then talking it all out should make you feel better. If it doesn't and if it falls on insensitive deaf ears, then at least you will know exactly where you stand and can make an informed decision about how you want to move forward with your life. Best wishes for tomorrow!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your responses.
i have rated two answers as 5 star as you have both given me excellent advice and have really made me think and put things into perspective.
i am a 24 year old woman (25 this month), i have a good job as a dog groomer, i drive a nice car, i work hard for the nice things i have and i dont see why i should put up with my partners brother taking them. if he even asked it would be different! you would be correct in saying that hairspray and moisturiser dont add up to much, and it may sound bitter that i complain about that, but after having him take other things from me, i feel like i have a right to complain about it!
his brother is a 30 year old man who cannot and will not stand on his own two feet. he has a job though and he helps my partner with rent and food shopping so the food that my partner buys is his also. having said that, i really dont see why he cant get his own place where he can leave us in peace but that would mean actually getting off his backside and doing something.
i will be seeing my partner tomorrow and we will be having a long chat about this and if he still doesn't see my side of things and stick up for me, then i will be ending it and i will find someone who does appreciate me and the things i do.
thank you again for your comments, they have been most helpful!
xx
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (14 August 2013):
I think that you're a marvel for having lasted as long as you have. The whole situation sounds claustrophobic.It is one thing that your boyfriend is considerate for not asking his brother to leave whilst he has nowhere to go, although it might be an issue in itself that he is somewhat 'enabling' him not to learn to look after himself by not giving him any incentive to get his act together. But it’s a wholly separate issue that he could be so callous to you as to tell you that you 'might not always be his girlfriend' and that if you 'don’t want my (your) stuff to get taken, used, or eaten then i should take it home with me.'That's horrid. It has NOTHING to do with the fact of his brother being out on the streets. That's rude and it's leaching off your good nature to the extent of actual stealing from you. Once or twice, so be it- but to happen any time without compensation or apology- how dare he! And how dare your boyfriend not take your side in something so clearly unfair on you!He is plainly making you unwelcome to visit or to leave so much as a toothbrush there between visits. Geez, it sounds like you can’t even put anything down beside you without worrying that it’ll be snapped up!Honestly, I wouldn't choose to stay in such hostile conditions, and I certainly couldn't accept such an incredible lack of support from my partner. He's actually supporting his brother in openly stealing your things!IF you do choose to stay with him for any longer… Though I can't honestly see what's in this relationship for you. Would he even be on your side if you were mugged in the street?? But if you do; could you keep a locked container with your belongings in it? Label in it big bold writing 'your name's personal belongings'. If he does break it open- at least you'll be able to see that its gone way beyond the point of return.Have you actually spoken to his brother about this directly? I know that you shouldn't have to, but since it’s got so bad- I couldn't resist asking him not to use my things again and to plainly say 'I bought that bottle of wine especially for my boyfriend and I to drink this weekend. I expect you to replace it' and even 'I'll wait here whilst you go to the shop to fetch a replacement bottle as our film starts in ten minutes'How on earth can he repeatedly defend himself in this?But more to the point- how can you remain with a boyfriend that will not take your side in the very simplest aspects of all of this? Without getting anywhere near as far as whether he asks his brother to look for a new place soon or not- how can you be happy with a man that will not defend basic principles of common decency for you? I just don't know how- or why! -you would choose to remain, accept and be happy with this behaviour from a long term partner that is supposed to care for you and respect you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): I feel for you - you sound like a perfect girlfriend, in an imperfect situation.One can understand the frustration you must feel, because you give of yourself, your time, your energy, your money and in return, you are getting very little, not even respect.You sound more mature than your boyfriend and his brother put together. The brother, being broke, should help out more around the home, not being an additional burden. Wishing it would be so is just that, wishing.Your boyfriend is not wrong in wanting to help his brother, but after a year, the brother should show some action in terms of getting another job, or a better paying job, so that he can afford his rent and be responsible for himself, not sponging off his brother, and in particular, his brother's girlfriend!You have invested 4 years and overall you sound happy when it's just you two - so you should not have to break up because of his brother. You also can't make him choose, because his brother unfortunately has no plans, but this should not affect you forever though.Perhaps it's time for your boyfriend to put in some effort, and for you to take a back seat! Stop travelling to him, and let HIM come to YOU. Why should you clean for them, be the maid, get the groceries, toiletries, etc and by the time you come there, it's all dirty, and eaten and your personal items used. You need boundaries - if the 3 of you are to continue sharing, an area which you can lock up with your things should be made. Also, everyone should put in effort and help with chores/cleaning, as everyone lives there and you only visit weekends!How old is the brother? If he is working already, then he should put money aside and contribute towards groceries, etc otherwise he will never learn to budget and be responsible for himself.You have lost your privacy, your together alone time, and this will affect the relationship which is why you're considering ending it, because you don't see light at the end of the tunnel.Changing things is needed. After a year and no change, it's time for some tough love :) it's that, or he loses the best thing that ever happened to him!Your boyfriend needs to be more supportive of you. Telling you that you are overreacting is not good enough. Sure, he is being a good brother letting his brother stay with him, but he is being weak allowing the brother to abuse the situation. He could be more supportive of you by agreeing with what you state, which is fact, and the two of you working on a solution, with his brother. Everyone has to be happy otherwise this situation is very unfair, to you!It's time to look after YOU. Stop going there, and let your boyfriend come to you. Stop cleaning, let them realise how much value you add. Stop buying wine, food, toiletries and leaving it there, let them see what you contribute. Eventually, this will allow your boyfriend to see just how much his brother being there has changed things. Let him visit you, and if you can't have private time, bad luck, HE needs to want to change the situation too, because right now things are great for him: he has company 24/7 with his brother, and has his maid coming on weekends (you) and his mother (food, wine) and his lover (you) so CHANGE IT. Let him MISS his girlfriend. You don't have to end things, but just let him know what would change, and how bad, if you were gone. I'm sure then HE too will want to change things.Step 1: brother must earn, and budget, towards contributing at home.Step 2: brother must help with chores and become more responsible, he is not a teenager with mommy around anymore.Step 3: boyfriend must be more supportive towards you, and work together for solution and boundaries in terms of private time, personal items not to be touched or taken, and visiting / time together.Sure, blood is thicker than water, but there is a time to look out for siblings and family, and a time to stop allowing someone you love being abused as well! You deserve better than this. You guys can all co-habitat, with a few rules being observed by all, to keep EVERYONE happy, not just him, or them.He said if you don't want your stuff taken, eaten or used to take it home - do that. See how long they are able to accept that.Lastly just because it's been 4 years does not mean you HAVE to stay in this relationship. To be with someone, we should be happy, we should love and be loved, and he is not showing love in action, because he is not supporting you or helping you to change any of this. He hears how unhappy you are, and he has taken the tough approach to defend and protect his brother, at the cost of his great girlfriend. He needs to man up more for you.You are not wrong for wanting his brother to move out, but if it's not possible, then it's about making the situation acceptable for you.I would use one of your weekend nights to go out for a meal alone with your boyfriend, get him nice and comfortable, offer to 'treat' him, and when he is all happy and relaxed, and talking, then open up and tell him everything you feel. Don't attack, don't challenge, don't say you want his brother out. Rather, tell him how you feel about him, what the 4 years has meant to you, and how it is now affecting you. That you know he wants to look out for his brother and you agree, but that the situation is no longer fair towards you, that you need his support too or else he may risk losing you because you have begun thinking like this out of pure frustration and hurt in the situation. Use everybody's replies if you need to. It's not an impossible situation, it just needs boundaries, rules, co-habitating cooperation from everyone, and support from your boyfriend and his brother. If you remain in his life, his brother will always be part of the family, so don't see him as the enemy. See him as someone who is going through a rough patch, for whatever reason, and needs support, but at the same time, not abuse. Not eat and leave crumbs in bed when he knows he is not the only one using the room. Asking before using personal items. Respecting personal items like towels. Respecting your effort and the work you do, which pays for the wine and other times he takes while you are away. You should not have to take it away - it should be there out of respect for you. Communal stuff for everyone, and things you get which are for weekend time. You sound like a great person with a good head on her shoulders, and I hope your boyfriend realises this and makes the necessary changes so he doesn't lose you. I also hope you get equality and are shown how special you are, and treated right, so that you can be happy in your relationship again.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 His brother has nowhere to move out. You didn't mention his parents but maybe they said no already? If his brother has friends, I am sure they won't tolerate him. Your boyfriend is the only one who will take care of him. Whenever you are at your boyfriend's place, make sure he pays for everything or he reimburses you. Things like lotion and hairspray don't amount to much. But things like wine and food, let your boyfriend take care of it.
Sticking up for you means putting his brother on the streets. He would rather lose a girlfriend than putting your brother's life in danger. Once on the streets, he could be shooting heroine while living in a tent. This is really not a time to say to him, "choose your brother or me." It makes you very unsympathetic.
His brother could be purposefully provoking your anger, hoping that you and him break up so he could have the place all to himself.
Your boyfriend could visit your place more often and build a stronger relationship with your parents too.
This is a problem between him and his brother and it has been one year. I don't blame your frustration but understand your boyfriend hasn't figured out what to do.
Maybe one more option is to wait until you have your own place. Save up with your boyfriend and afford your own house/apartment together if possible. Or get a bigger place, a side by side house so that his brother gets a separate section. He could be as messy as he wants and you don't have to look at it. If he plays loud music then insulate both walls. If you decide to stay with him that might be the only option. Work as a team, not against him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 August 2013):
 OK your BF have already made his choice. That is his Brother over you.
I would suggest you STOP sleeping at his place for a while and see how your BF feels. Remove your stuff. Go out on dates with your BF but don't stay overnight. That will give you both some thinking time. You to figure out if you can stay with him and the brother or not, and your BF, whether blood really is "thicker".
I don't think you are wrong for wanting him out, but you are wrong in thinking it's ONLY your opinion that matters.
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