A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a man I knew of, but didn't really know in January we were engaged by mid febuary and married by mid march. Yes I know very quickly!! Everything was wonderful and really still is other than I continually have a doubt of some sort and not really sure what it is. I've had this ever since the first time I caught him going through my phone and looking at old messages and emails. Which he apologized for and said he just wanted to see my response and once I didn't over react he said he knew then that there was no reason to doubt me. It was as if it put a distrust in me toward him and made me wonder and yes he has gone through my phone since. Since then it has grown from that to I think he is continually checking out other women and finding something attractive about them that he doesn't find in me, I sometimes if he's not looking at me during intimate moments I feel he is fantisizing about another woman, I continually want to check his phone which I have never found anything, I wonder if he's flirting around at work, and so on. It has made me an entirely different person inside. I'm not trying to flatter myself but we are both attractive people but since all of this has started I continually look in the mirror only to degrade myself, I get on the scales daily, we argue over me thinking he desires other women continually only for him to tell me it is all crazy and that i'm his dream girl, his best friend, and what he's been looking for all his life and he wants nothing more than to grow old together. But me, in the back of my mind I sit there and dought every word he says. He continually shows me affection, he is always home if he's not at work, if he does go anywhere he always wants me to go, he has my coffee ready every morning, I could not ask for more other than these doubts. But he is a very desired man by other women and I just don't want to invest a lot of time in a man again only to find out I wasted years of my life and should have listened to that nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Also, if it helps you we both were previously married and have been divorced for about 2-3 years from those spouses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to say I agree with all three of you. I did have a past marriage where someone cheated and his did as well. I have become insecure since all of this has been going on and yes I also feel he had trust issues with me also or he wouldn't of ever went through my phone for any reason. I'm going to talk with him this evening and I to believe that either I or we need counseling. Thank all of you so much for your answers
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): I disagree with the others. He has instigated a cycle of doubt in the relationship by betraying your trust and going through your private things: your phone messages. He did that because he didn't trust you. As a result of displaying blatant distrust (and disrespect I might add), you now don't trust him, and are seeing reasons (real or imagined) that reinforce that distrust. Relationships rely on three pillars for a foundation: love, trust, and communication. Find a good time to sit down and talk with him about that original, and then the subsequent, breeches of trust; inform him that, since then, the distrust has festered and grown; tell him how you would like to address this problem, and then ask him how he would like to address it with you, be it a short vacation, or going to counseling. Without trust, the foundation of your relationship will crumble.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Maybe I'm too traditional or idealistic, but haven't you already expressed your desire to invest time in this man by marrying him? It sounds like both of you have some trust issues with each other, but for no good reason. Where is your man being desired by so many women if he's busy being antisocial or is with you as soon as he comes home from work? I understand you two are still in the getting to know each other phase, but what makes you doubt that you are enough for him? you say you THINK he is checking out women and you FEEL he is probably fantasizing about them when intimate--why? where are you getting this from? IS he actually checking out anybody? if so, he's married now so you 'own' that stuff, and as far as I can tell there's no reason to think he would cheat on you. i feel like that it's generally accepted that as long as you look and don't touch that's ok but if it's NOT, you have to speak up! I think you're being a little insecure--it sounds like you have a good man, and if you guys just rely on each other a little more, you might have a good thing.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Ok so this sounds like this man is doing nothing wrong it sounds like the insecurities lie within yourself. Could something have happened you in the past to make you feel like this? Have you ever had a partner cheat on you? You need to get your insecurities dealt with or else you will end up driving your husband away and this will only make you feel even more insecure. You need to go and see a councellor, i know this sounds like a bit extreme but it is the only way you will ever be happy as your insecurities will only get worse not better. Book a session with a councellor as they will be able to find out were your insecurities lie and how you can deal with them its there job, they are there to help, and just think once you're head is sorted you can start being happy and enjoy your relationship good luck.
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