A
male
age
41-50,
*non_e_mouse
writes:Hi Readers/Agony Aunts/Uncles,Bit of a long one this but hopefully some of you will be able to relate to it...I know it's that happy time of year most what with Christmas and New Year. It can also be a very sad time of year for some. Unfortunately, for a long time I have fallen into the latter category (since my Father died 9 -10 years ago).I've not had an easy life to say the least. I'm not naive enough to think everyone else has a perfect life (like the ones you see in those happy films) and I appreciate it's the different experiences, highs and lows we go through that make us who we are.However, I have been feeling lonely especially over the last couple of weeks. I am a happy, positive person and very likable (I know lots of people and am quite well known and liked in my home town as a nice bloke). I strive to be a good man in all aspects of my life and have a high moral compass so to speak.It was a couple of weeks ago, the weekend before Christmas to be exact, a friend of mine was very emotional. It appeared like a bolt of the blue. I have known her for about 10 years and bumped into her and her family whilst out (as I quite often do). I tend to go out alone because my few really good friends have settled down, have kids and don't go out so much any more. This doesn't bother me really since I do know a lot of people in my home town and always bump into lots of them. I normally go out once in a while just to get out of the flat where I live - if I stayed cooped up every week I'd go mad.Anyway, my good friend started crying as she was really worried about me. Like I say this was a bit of a shock to me since people know me as happy-go-lucky Andy and always happy to talk, listen and help people.It was what she said that has hit me quite hard and I can't stop thinking about it - I'm stumped. I told her not to worry about me - I'm fine and all that. However, what she said was she knows I'm not happy and must feel so alone and that she was sorry I was alone. She was really upset. I have no idea what brought it on but since then I have struggled to hide the feelings of being alone from myself. I say HIDE the feelings but I don't, or didn't, see it like that. I don't wallow in self pity and am a firm believer in being a good man and always having time for everybody and anybody. I just don't want to bother other people with my problems or intimate feelings. However, I feel now that maybe I have been hiding that feeling? Keeping busy with this and that and work etc. Maybe I have been hiding the feeling of loneliness from myself as well as others around me? Isn't that the way people deal with loneliness? To keep occupied?After speaking for a while I asked what's brought all this on and she says she met her long-term boyfriend's (of 5-6 years or so) Father for the first time and he was an extremely jealous and bitter man. Perhaps she thought I might end up like that? Perhaps it's the fact that I too have been through a lot and I am, in fact, the complete opposite?By the way, I must stress that this girl and I are just very good friends and nothing more. She is one of my best friends and has been for a long long time.I suppose the question is why do I suddenly feel like this now? It is very rare indeed that someone should "hit the nail on the head" where I'm concerned; I'm not easy to read and prefer it that way, but her words have got me thinking (a little too much!).I suppose contributing to this feeling of loneliness is also the fact my new contract job is largely based from home so there's not much social interaction even with work.In addition to this, I've also recently been feeling sad that, to me, the World just appears to be getting more and more selfish. Very rarely to people surprise me - every now and then I come across someone who really is a selfless and kind person but most I feel are not. Do you think this is the way of the world now? Where everyone is out for themselves? With no sense of doing good? Taking time to help people rather than steam-roller over everything in their own pursuit of... whatever it is they're pursuing?Perhaps it's a trust issue? Maybe I just don't trust people (generally speaking)?Do any of you have these thoughts or feelings? What do you think?Please leave a reply. If you've read this far through this long post you might as well. I'd like to hear what you have to say...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I read through your post. I am 28 and yes to answer your question I have been feeling a little bit down lately as will. I will be turning 29 this month on the 28th and the closer I becoming to 30 the more i feel old. No one ever guesses I'm over the age of 22 however. I appear younger and am slender and blonde. I get depressed about turning 30 however. I have a great job and am employed at the hospital and will be taking more classes soon. I have been a runner for years and go to the gym. I somehow also don't have many friends because I work at night from seven to seven until morning, I get paid more for working at night but yes I feel very lonely....
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (10 January 2012):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the quick reply! Thinking about it, to a certain extent you are right. I have noticed I have been quieter than usual and although when I bump into people I suppose you could say I put on a brave face when I am on my own I notice I'm not quite as upbeat.
I have certainly been through a lot in the past. The strange thing is I am doing so well now. I live in the nicest flat I have ever lived in, have worked hard and have savings and no debt for the first time in my life. At the moment I'm saving for my own flat one day. Comparatively my life has improved tenfold. So why is it I feel down? Perhaps its because in the past I've had to "fight for survival" and overcome the troubled times and now that I've achieved that I now have nothing to overcome?
It does seem strange I've worked so hard to get on with my life and its now that everything ok I feel most alone.
Maybe this is just a case of "the winter blues". To make myself feel better I have joined a gym and start next week. I've also decided to stop smoking. I believe this feeling of loneliness is also due to having dealt with everything in the past on my own. I'm 33 now and ready to settle down but I don't feel I can trust (many) people.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): I'll try and think about this during the day and come back to you. Just wanted you to know someone has read this. You seem a very sane, sorted and thoughtful guy and I am sure you won't be the only person who has suddenly been pulled up short by someone hitting a nail on a head.
I wonder if there is a possibility you have a touch of depression, possibly mild, that has caused enough of a change for your friend to notice it? I went through something similar once - I hadn't noticed it, because I think I'd just accepted stuff, but others had noticed my personality had quietened and I wasn't quite so 'life of the party' as I had been. It was only when someone actually told me they wondered what was wrong because they hadn't heard me laugh in months that I had that 'hit by a train' feeling and realised something was up.
Just a thought.
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