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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello - as shallow as this sounds, give it a chance as I really need hep with my thoughts. I have been in a three year relationship with a man. Before he was with me, he was with a girl for two years. During those two years, he spent so much money on her that he is still paying off the debt! (this relationship ended five years ago btw!)He bought her a tv, all the furniture in her house, paid her deposit for a flat as well as the rent. With me he is really cheap. I got a book for my birthday and not one that I wanted. I recently wanted a phone but he wouldn't even lend me the money to buy it. I have rarely asked him for money and when I have, I have always paid back promptly and on time. What is going on here? Why did he feel the need to spend so much on his old girlfriend (who then cheated on him) but will not even put in a little bit of effort when it comes to me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): hello there,
Thanks for everyones replies. I am the original poster of this comment.
He has told me that he has done a lot of personal growth since he was with her and that he had to completely turn his life around as when she left he was left with a massive debt and he did not want to be taken advantage of again.
I guess he is just extra cautious.
He is however, very loving, loyal and supportive. Its just when it comes to gifts and things he is just not the best. I can't bring myself to manipulate him- in fact I don't think I quite know how she did it to be honest- but I don't want to go down that road and hurt him.
All I want is that tiny bit of effort going into my gifts.
A
female
reader, pandabird  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 He probably spent so much money on her because he was trying to buy her affection and devotion, which Never works, clearly.
It's definitely a good sign that he doesn't feel the need to buy everything for you.
Money and relationships rarely mix, it turns it into some sort of business rather than a relationship..
As for the birthday present... well, boys are dense. I don't know if you requested a specific book, but I've found you do have to spell it out for them if you want them to buy the thing you actually want!
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A
male
reader, anysecondnow  +, writes (15 March 2010):
I guess she was better at manipulating him than you are ;-)
But, seriously, his stinginess with you does raise questions... I guess you feel undervalued by him, taken for granted.
I am all for mature relationships where both partners pull their weight. But I am also for thoughtfulness, where both parties care a lot for each other and get a lot of enjoyment from the other person's happiness. Gifts are a part of that.
If he takes you for granted, it sucks for you. You probably won't change him. But you should see things how they really are and not how you want them to be.
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A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (15 March 2010):
My guess is that he's been traumatized by spending too much money on a girl and told himself "never again!" When you ask him for money, his subconscious probably triggers negative memories.The more important question here is: does he give you the time and attention you deserve?If the *only* issue is about money, then that's a problem you can work on by e.g. setting clear boundaries.
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