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Why can't I move on?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 18 February 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My ex partner and I were together for 7 years then split up a year ago. He got a girlfriend straight away, almost too quick if you get my drift. He cheated on me twice in the relationship. I am still in love with him and he keeps phoning and texting and says he still fancies and cares for me. I am frightened of losing his friendship but also feel that I am being used. What do I do? Why can't I move on?

View related questions: cheated on me, move on, split up, text

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (18 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntWrite down a list of your benefits and losses if you stay or leave and see which is more.

Which is more important to you , peace of mind or money and security?

Write down the reasons why you want to stay in this relationship.

Economic dependence, fear, shame, guilt ..?

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A male reader, Richard_EMids United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2008):

Richard_EMids agony auntThis is very simple. You loved him much more than he loved you.

The problem is that you are still living in hope. But you gave all you could in the seven years. For whatever reason, it wasn't enough or it wasn't needed by him. So you can't move on because you are living in hope. And every time he contacts you, it brings your hopes up. You're not frightened of losing his friendship, you're frightened of him being out of his life altogether, because then there's no way back.

Take the plunge. Bite the bullet. Whatever you want to call it. You have to cut contact out completely. Then you will start, very slowly at first, to move forward.

You have no choice. Even if you went back to him, he will cheat or break up with you again....and again. You value him far more than he values you.

Lets start you off on the road to recovery. What's the worst that can happen if you lose his friendship? Write it down - you might cry as you do so - but there won't be anything on there that truly affects your future happiness. Now take the steps to prevent contact.

Take care, Richard

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A male reader, chlez83 Zambia +, writes (7 February 2008):

You guys have been together for a long time and despite what has made you seperate.Do you expect himto just forget about you and start another life like that.My guess is that you still stand a chance with him though it's evident he doesn't love you.For your sake please minimise your contact with him.You are supposed to be moving on and talking to him alot doesn't help at all.I know it's must also look at it as an act of betrayal that he's already in another relationship but i think you just never saw the signs that he's no longer in love with you.Be strong for yourself and focus on your life,ALONE!

Good Luck.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2008):

hlskitten agony auntTells you he still fancies you and cares about you = wants casual sex on tap and keep you in the wings.

Sorry, i could well be wrong obviously, but it screams of this! The trouble when you love someone is, much like a person addicted to the pull of drugs etc, is they have a hold on you. Only you can be strong enough to say no and cut that hinderence in your life out.

The guy seems like an immature playa. Couldnt be rsed with him myself. Even more so if i was in my 20's and had my whole life ahead of me!

C xxxxx

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A female reader, Serinity United States +, writes (6 February 2008):

Serinity agony auntLook sweetie, I know it's hard to let go of someone you love, but look at it this way.... He cheated on you twice, he got into another relationship immediately after yours ended and he's phoning you and texting you and telling you that he still cares about you, while he's still dating this other girl? I think the answer is obvious love. He's not ready to be a one woman man. He's keeping you on the side lines while he's dating another woman either because 1 woman isn't enough and/or incase they don't work out he'll still have someone waiting for him. Cut your ties and let him go, there are plenty of men out there who want to be a one woman man and who will respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck sweetie!

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A female reader, Emajayne Canada +, writes (6 February 2008):

Emajayne agony auntThis is a tricky situation that all of us will eventually find ourselves in. You need to think about all the things you learned about yourself in this relationship, how u changed, what you can and can't put up with from past relationships. He only got a girlfriend straight away because of the familiarity concept. It doesn't matter who u are with, it matters that u are with someone. Even if they happen to be a jerk, you find yourself pulled towards them because they represent your comfort zone. No one really likes change until you have forced yourself into it. You don't have to lose his friendship at all. Usually friends after long term relationship doesn't work but why not give it a shot if so many others before you have? I personally think you are better of without him. If he suddenly ran off with a girl he wasn't exactly hurting, he just needed to find some ground, stability. He also cheated on you which is a huge no no. I have reason to believe that everything will work out and you need to be strong. Never let him see that u still care about him or show any form of affection. And whatever you do, do NOT kiss him. that will just ruin everything. Get your self-respect back and then re-look at things. I recommend a vacation and find yourself a nice boy-toy. That should clear your mind. At least for a while...

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