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Why aren't we "Official"?

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 February 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 February 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been "seeing" this guy for a few months. There is a slight age gap -I am 20, he is 25- but we get along very well. We hung out very often before it reached this point. From what I've seen, he's kind of shy; I made the first move on him, and it took him awhile to get used to the idea of being more than friends with me. But now we're closer than ever, and we've become... intimate? It's consensual, he treats me really well, and we never run out of things to talk about. He's the happiest I've ever seen him, and I've known him for about four years. My question is: Why aren't we "boyfriend/girlfriend" yet? It's driving me crazy, and the old saying "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" is running through my head. I don't think he would use me for sex, but I don't see an alternative reason, besides maybe the age difference? His last relationship lasted about 4 years he said; I get the impression that it happened a long time ago though. He was the one that ended it. Thank you to anyone who helps me out! P.S. After I tell him that I like him, he says things like "You're weird" and "No one ever likes me." I don't know if maybe he has self-esteem issues, and that maybe he thinks that I'm after something else...? I really like him for him, though. I'm falling for him for sure.

View related questions: move on, shy

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010):

There are two VERY different kinds of "he can't commit" situations that women can find themselves in.

If he's still shopping around or getting involved with any other girls then forget about him ever committing. He just got the milk for free and he won't buy the cow.

If he is totally yours in every way except saying it out loud, then there is still a chance for things to work out eventually.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010):

I have to agree with Illithid . I am the same as this guy you speak off, went through a 4 year long distance relationship. Ended badly, miss her to bits and still in love with her, however its been around 6 to 7 months after the break up and i still cant commit to any girl, to afraid of being hurt / ending badly/ blowing up in my face etc. I guess all you can do is wait .. but sometimes you obviously cant wait around and have to make them fight for you a little bit, show him that you arent going to wait around for ever (unless you want to them make that clear lol), but also show him you will only wait around for him in a friendly zone/ non sexual way ie: Further sexual commitment has to come from relationship commitment, make that clear to him. Hope you understand what im saying. Goodluck

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A male reader, Illithid United States +, writes (15 February 2010):

Illithid agony auntIt sounds like he had a long relationship that failed, and now he's afraid. He's only 25 and he's had a relationship that lasted that long only to die, combined with his own low self esteem, and now you are getting very close to him? He's probably wondering how long until this blows up in his face because it's just too good to be true.

I don't think he's using you for sex. I think he's afraid that if he relaxed and just trusts that you love him, he's going to end up hurt. You've been with him for a few months, but maybe he just needs a little more time? Sit down with him, be honest, reassure him that you DO love him, but understand that he may need more time for his esteem to heal.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (15 February 2010):

Yes he does have esteem issues if he is saying those things. I think you would be better sitting down with him, telling him again that you like him and then tell him that you would like to be his girlfriend. You can't be any clearer than that.

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