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Why are his parents being so extreme?

Tagged as: Family, Teenage, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 November 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 12 November 2010)
A female Canada age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I have a problem that is becoming too much for me to handle. I'm dating a boy a year and couple months younger than me, i'm 17 and he's 16. We've been together for almost a year now. I'm from a foreign country although have been in my current country for almost 10 years. But being from a different country my parents follow different ideals and values. I'm not allowed to date at all, and they will pick the boy that i will eventually marry. I love and respect my parents but that is the one rule i will never accept.

But that isn't even my problem. It all started with my boyfriend wanting to come over at night to spend time with me, because we don't get to spend a lot of time together due to my family situation. I agreed because I missed him so much and just wanted to be with him. But during that time his parents realized he wasn't at home so they called him to come back home and grounded him for being at my house at such late hour.

Which I understand completely, but things got out of hand. I felt horrible about the situation and decided to call his parents and apologize about the entire thing, because I was partially at fault and I didn't want them to hate me. I thought they would understand, but apparently i was wrong. His step-mother said that I was a bad influence on him and his father doesn't even want to talk to me because "I'm a consistent liar to my own parents". They think i'm misleading my boyfriend into disobeying his parents.

His step-mother also threatened that she would call the police saying that he is a minor, which I don't understand because a) the legal age of consent is 16 here (but we haven't even had sex yet, we decided that we would wait till we were ready) and its only an offence if i'm 2 or more years older than him and b) i'm not selling him drugs or alcohol or anything like that, the most i've gotten him is a cell phone because I was tired of not having a direct communication with him.

We love each other very much and he said that he would stay with me even if his parents didn't want him to but i don't want that for him because i know what its like, and i don't want to be the reason that their relationship detriorates.

But I still don't understand why they are being so extreme. I understand if they were from a different religion/country like my parents, because my parents wouldn't stand for such a thing. But his parents have been brought up here. And I don't know what grounds she could really charge me with considering...its not even an offense.

But i'm just really stuck because I have no way of contacting him to talk this out with him and fix things. What should i do?

View related questions: drugs, liar

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (12 November 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt From what you say about your family rules that won't even allow you to date, I assume that that night your boyfriend was visiting you secretly , behind your parents' back. And that you are carrying on your relationship through constant deception.

I can understand why his parents may have a problem with that. They might fear that you could influence him by your example into holding things back from them.

I understand that yours is a difficult situation, and that you are between a rock and a hard place, yet your behaviour sends this message " I don't care if am allowed or not doing something, because I'll just be sneaky about it and I'll do it anyway ".

Besides, not many parents would be overjoyed knowing that at just 16 their son is involved in a secret relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010):

So, his step mum is protecting him from you breaking his heart, and she is being appreciative of your family morals. So, you need to stop thinking of them, and if you truely want this talk to your own parents, leave his alone until you sort yours out as it is not right to expect them to listen when yours are really the ones that need convincing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010):

You have already tried to talk to them and they are not listening. But you think of it this way, is he damanding the same of your parents?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010):

You sound very sweet, and so does he. Unfortunate for both of you that you have parents however you are young and that is why they are being like they are, well his. The step mother has made judgement against you, its a shame as you both seem so in love, but if you didn't have such strict up bringing you might not be the people you are today.

You are still under your parents roof. Your going to need to be patient. Same with him. If your parents arrange your marriage this will be very difficult and it will break his heart if you follow their rules, which I think you will.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden + , writes (12 November 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntTry and talk to his parents. Let them know that you have all the best intentions for everyone. You love your boyfriend and he loves you but you do not wish for him to carry this relationship as a secret on his shoulders, you do not wish for his relationship with them to rot away. Talk to them and get to know them, let them get to know you so that they will see that you are not a bad person at all. That night was simply an innocent mistake.

I hope that helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010):

How awful for you! I can't believe they grounded a 16-year old!

Calling them was very commendable of you, but it sounds like his parents aren't nice people, very controlling. Yes, their reaction was extreme.

He's 16 and will soon be a man, so they need to cut the umbilical cord and let him live his life. There are far, far worse things he could have been doing than spending time with a girlfriend.

If you remain in a relationship with him, you'll have to put up with his parents, which will be trying at times. I know, because my husband had controlling parents like that who never accepted me.

But if you really love this guy, stick with him. If you can't find a way to contact him, don't worry, because he'll contact you if he truly cares.

I advise you not to let his parents bully you and don't try to impress them or try to get them to like you either, because they won't no matter what you do. They'll never accept you or any woman in his life. They would see any woman as a threat--someone taking their little boy away from them.

Good luck!

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