A
female
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anonymous
writes:Can I ask your opinion. Do you think that I am stupid or is there something in this? this is what i want to know!I am 20 and dating an absolutely lovely guy, we have been going out for over 12 months and we get on so well and I think I love him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. (He is my first boyfriend by the way)the problem is that I have this 'friend guy', i have known from a very young age. He is 2 n half years younger than me. He recently went away to college and I hadn't really thought much about him.I have always thought a lot of him as he was always just my mate, u know? but, he has recently cum back with this new g/f who i don't like and it has really hit me bad for some unknown reason.I was always told that he fancied me by lots of people, but i would always dismiss it and say no he doesn't, but things do suggest he did/does. making sure i see him with this girl and blattenly shouting out loud he has slept with her etc.We have never actually been closer than friends but there was always a spark between us.Do you think that I am just upset because now he doesn't need me as his friend? Is he trying to make me jealous? or do you think i am in love with him? Or is it just that because people said he liked me i don't want him to like anyone else?I get really upset when i think of them together and it is making me feel down,because i feel really bad for it because i love my boyfriend but am like this over another guy!?Please help me!What should I do!?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 It's hard to be sure. And I don't necessarily mean the reason I gave is the reason.
What I mean is that there could easily be reasons you're upset that don't mean that you love him now, or that you have a problem with your relationship with your current boyfriend. Don't let what is going on make you doubt the relationship you are in now... it sounds very good! Just realize that humans are complicated and sometimes difficult situations can dredge up messy feelings that aren't always about what you think they are about.
I'll give you an example from my life. Several things that happened with my girlfriend made me very upset. On some level I realized I shouldn't be upset with her because of it, so I went to see a therapist. Through that I realized that it really had (almost) nothing to do with her, and was much more to do with my old relationship with my ex-wife, and also what happened during my parents divorce. In other words, I was directing a lot of that (stored up for a long time) negative emotion at someone and a situation that had only a little bit to do with it. That's one of the aims of therapy really: to help us figure out why we are feeling the way we are feeling. This are often not what they seem to be on the surface.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the original poster.
I think you may have something there! But rly don't know what it could be that has made me feel like this!
I just think that maybe as you said, i just want him to find me attractive, so that i feel attractive!
Not sure though!
Any more opinions?
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (7 May 2007):
"Do you think that I am just upset because now he doesn't need me as his friend? Is he trying to make me jealous? or do you think i am in love with him? Or is it just that because people said he liked me i don't want him to like anyone else?"
Between these you probably have all the 'reasons' you need. They are probably all true to an extent, which is why you are upset.
However, you might wonder why you are so upset. As in 'SO' upset. If this is bothering you a lot then there is possibly something else going on too. There is a reason this situation bothers you as much as it does. Not a direct reason, but an indirect one. It won't be to do with him, or the situation, but rather it'll could be something else altogether.
What can happen is that an emotional experience (like your current one) can dig up older and deeper emotions and make us even more emotional. For instance, you could be upset because you never felt attractive to him (that he didn't fancy you), and yet he fancies this new girl. In a way, it's a reminder of all those feelings of 'not being attractive to him'. In this case, the extra intensity of feeling is because of not feeling attractive and remembering how that felt as a teenager, and nothing to do with the current situation. It's not even really to do with him, but rather about how attractive you feel.
That's just an example. It could be nonsense. But hopefully you see what I mean. You have a long history with this guy so what could be especially upsetting you could be something from a long time ago, not necessarily anything to do with what is happening now.
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