A
female
age
41-50,
*zzkk
writes:what the?? OK so I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 44. he has many girlfriends and is very social, and i love this about him. we've worked in the same salon together for 8 yrs, been living together 1 of the 2 yrs we've been dating. generally very happy. so, there is this 1 girl who is 22 and his so called best friend. he's only know her for 3 yrs. she expresses to him that she does not like me and we've met only once, briefly. she has been traveling in Italy for 1 year now. anyway, the only major fights we have are to do with her. he deletes txt and hides stuff from me supposedly not to upset me. but it's made me question everything and lose trust in him. he has gone as far as storing her name under a guys name and when he received a txt late at night and i said i wanted to see it, he yelled at me that it was Non Of My Business!! So i anonymously sent him a txt from my laptop saying lets catch up etc etc. i didn't say who i was just that he had to remember and to guess.. he actually replied and then asked my star sign in Italian!!! saying to have lunch on Thursday.(when i am at work and he has day off). and i asked him last night if there was something going on cos he forgot his phone at work. he didn't tell me about these txt's. by this stage I'm freaking out. so have i just created a scenario which would have happened eventually when she really did come back anyway..???? do i end it and tell him it was me and that his precious friend isn't back??? help!!
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 June 2010):
You love him. It's not stupid at al. Everybody does it. But you are right, it does have to end. You cant' be second best for the rest of your life. That would be a waste.
A
female
reader, ozzkk +, writes (29 June 2010):
ozzkk is verified as being by the original poster of the question sorry CaringGuy i replied to ur comments and just realised i have miss read ur post. i thought u wrote the one before.. I appreciate ur simplicity. yep i suspected, then acted on it and now i know. i think i'm pretty switched on right, but i seriously dont want to be without him... How stupid am i ! what is wrong with me.. ??
it has to end...... right? :(
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A
female
reader, ozzkk +, writes (29 June 2010):
ozzkk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionguys i really appreciate ur honesty(LOL) totally confirmed everything i felt deep down. intuition, hate being right when it comes to him.
and to CaringGuy i'm fine with all his friends because they are in the open. he doesnt hide any of there txt or numbers. and i was here way b4 her,! but you maade my point very clear. How can he end our relationship if he loves me so much rather than piss off a friend he's only known 4 couple of yrs, who is only using him for his car and accessibility.
and AskOlderSister we really do think alike cos PFFFwas my first words to his face when he first told me too. asked him what a 44yro and a 22yro have in common. he's either got a crush on her, in love with her, get ego boost from saying he's friends with a 22yro or something like that.
UPDATE: we've been going round n round all day with txts. so i sent a txt from my pc saying it was a mistake and i thought it had been someone else and sorry if he was expecting msg from somebody special. so then a little while later he sent me(my phone) a txt saying how pathetic i was for playing him like that. and i know what he's talking about. i just replied its pathetic at 44 and i'm still young and immature and insecure(as he tells me) enough to get away with it, that i pray i dont end up as pathetic as him in 16 yrs time.. god i wonder how mature she is at 22???
Cheers x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 I agree with the sister, that is a rather unbelievable "friendship" if you ask me. He sure likes his women young. I wonder what their friendly little chats are about????
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A
male
reader, dyeruz +, writes (29 June 2010):
Ok you two gals don't like each other and this guy is caught in the middle right? Still, if everything was above board there would be no need to go to such lengths to hide texts and change names..I mean there's nothing to hide right? Who knows if he's cheating or not but there's a trust issue here and he's not helping by being so secretive. It depends on how you see this relationship going further can you marry a man and spend the rest of your life with him if he's hiding texts and going off for meals with other women without telling you?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 June 2010):
Well, you suspected something and rightfully you've tried to find out. Now it would seem that you know the truth. He's most likely cheating. I think you just need to tell him and then end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Um, this is no concrete evidence of cheating actually or that she's a slut, Erinmarie! I'm throwing something else into the pot, purely from the other side.I have always had very close female friends, ever since I was 4, because I grew up in a village where there were far more girls in my class than boys (19 vs 5). If I had to list my 'top ten closest friends', eight would be female and my best friend is female. I have never slept with any of my female friends or harboured those sorts of desires for them. They are friends. My ex-partner of ten years knew this when she got together with me. The first people I introduced her to were some of my female friends. We used to socialise as a group regularly. But then the worm started to to turn. She hated it if I saw any of them away from her. If I got a text from one of them, she wanted to know what it said. I had lunch with one of my friends to check she was OK after her bloke kicked her out and that afternoon I got "I don't know why the two of you don't get together, she's so attractive and you get on so well".This situation got worse and I was made to feel guilty for daring to have female friends and I was constantly under suspicion when I gave her no reason whatsoever - it's not like I suddenly started to hang out with NEW females. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I was having to meet my friends in secret because it wasn't worth the hassle. I realised of course this meant there was no relationship because I wasn't trusted and had to resort to this secretive behaviour. So I ended the relationship. I am now single. I still see my female friends and I still haven't slept with any of them! My ex-partner couldn't change her behaviour but now realises she destroyed our relationship. I compromised so far, but I was not prepared to give up my friends for her. There is only so long someone can put up with this unreasonable behaviour. I think if you know your chap has female friends and they were there before you were, you have to accept that while you are (and should be) the number one important person, it is unfair to expect him to cut out those who were friends before you came along.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): There is definitely something going on anyway - whether you honey trapped him or not. You just needed it confirming and you got that. The big red flag for me is that he deletes stuff 'so as not to upset you'. That is controlling you, manipulating you. He is covering his tracks and making you feel guilty in the process (to deflect from his actions) for saying how you feel and that it upsets you - which, quite rightly, it does. I would take the situation one stage further and actually set the lunch date up via your computer - say that your phone battery is dead and to meet at his house (your house) briefly first. Confront him but be ready to ditch him immediately because he will be so ashamed and, no doubt, angry that you have caught him red handed. He is playing you for a fool and whatever you feel for him it is not reciprocated. He gets angry and tells you his texts are none of your business. You have all the evidence you need. Stop putting yourself through this - its awful.
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A
female
reader, erinmarie +, writes (29 June 2010):
ok well honey obliviously he is cheeting on you, i say tell him that she isnt really back and that im dumping you! you should not be in a relashonship like that! if he really loved you then he wouldnt be hanging out with the slut! good luck honey, hope it works out for you in the end!
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