A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i don't know what is wrong with me, but whenever any of my past partners so much as suggests anything to do with anal sex i get infuriated and not even in an outwards manner but rather in a passive aggressive way. i cannot quiet put my finger on it, i don't know what makes me so angry, i could just say no i don't want to do that. but instead i rather get snarky and have smart arse comments to give after refusing their advances.most guys wouldn't even kiss you if you have gone down on them, some guys are freaked out by period blood... but don't mind dealing with a bit of poop. it is illogical to me. and i hate illogical. you cannot talk to illogical, you cannot reason with illogical and it frustrates me.does anyone feels this way? i have to know why i feel like that, cannot even look at my currant boyfriend right now, he is sleeping right next to me having just suggested it and i am giving him the evil eye!!!! now the irrational one is me.he barley suggested it and i was instantly filled with rage and the b*tchy sarcasm, the one i use to bully my bullies.my next reaction was pretend i was cool with the conversation, that i have never been offered anal before so i have never contemplated it, afterwards i pretend to drop the subject till the devil on my shoulder brings it back up in my mind, so i ask him if he has ever performed anal on previous partners... his answer only fills me up with even more rage! and now i am ready to break up with him, what is wrong with me?please don't have a go at me i need to find out how to stop been so illogical.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 It seems to me you got your answer, did you not? You were curious as to why you would illogically get so mad at boyfriends for asking this question, and through this post, you claimed to have recognized that it was due to the fact that you felt it symbolized his rejection of your vagina. And you ask for psychoanalysis. well, without knowing anything about you or your background, and without counseling a person long enough to learn these details, it's pretty impossible to dissect you and figure out why your brain is associating anal sex with a rejection of your vagina. only thing I can tell you is that perhaps it's an insecurity you have about your own self that you're reflection on him/them. Or maybe somewhere along the way, you encountered a boyfriend who criticized, even indirectly, your vagina in a way that stuck in your mind.
Only you can do that introspection.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindicare that is exactly my point, again i will make the stamen... i pointed out i lash out at people for saying thinks that make no sense, however who is the one been illogical here? Me!!!!!! ( you can read my original question again )it did not make any sense to me that i would take something so simple so personal, so i sit here calling it irrational but i have no tangible reason to feel the way i feel. i guess i felt like i had to justify to my self why i didn't want to have anal sex so i been accumulating excuses and i carry them subconscious, that is why i wanted to know where my rage was coming from.in no time did i ever blame my boyfriend for ask , i have acknowledge that the problem here is me overreacting, and i might have not come across, but I HATE BEEN THAT PERSON!!! in my mind i am exactly what i dislike.i guess it was too much to ask, for people to psycho analyse me, which i was the intention i had behind asking the question. and not talking about whether anal sex is good or bad for me, or for women, or what it represents.i put your feelings in writing and i got to see them from a different perspective.i have realise many many things which are nearly impossible to put in writing. i have realise the reasons why i won't perform the act, and also why have i been angry about it, like i said i would't even know how to put my thoughts in to writing.i tried earlier on my previous post and it was an epic fail everyone though i was having a go at my boyfriend and calling him illogical when i haven't i have not blame him for asking this was exclusively about emotions i have been involuntarily carrying that I need to tackle down.no i am not the champion of logic clearly, that is just an unrealistic expectation i place on my self and others, which creates a lot of problems because feelings are not logical, which is the very same reason why i have had such a hard time addressing my feelings, about things, because i wouldn't even know where to start, unlike most girls i am very uncomfortable with those things which makes me a screwed up woman in many ways. but there is no way you could have suss that out, the problem with no addressing your feelings is that either you control them or they control you... did i need say more.you keep asking me the same question, no of course not, there was nothing logical about my feelings from the word go, sitting there been passive aggressive towards someone for no reason is not normal, so i don't know what else to tell you. the reason why i wanted to break up with my boyfriend when he asked was the fact that i was getting ahead of my self and assuming if that is what he wanted from me and i could not give him it maybe i was not the right person for me. does that make sense? to you? because it did to me.if you think i called anal sex effeminate you need to read my answer again. never mind. It is so not what i am on about. we keep talking about whether anal sex if masculine feminine, cool uncool, makes them men does not make them men, it is humiliating, builds you up as a person...irrelevant! those opinions are subjective, i have not presented any opinions on whether anal sex is good bad i have nothing to say because i have not done it. and as much as i respect your time cindy care, we are not getting trough to each other so i am gone go on keep it moving.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 OP, I think you need to scratch a bit more under the surface to make sense of your angry feelings.
I think you only reached the top layer.
I understand what you say: "I realized that I get angry when asked for sex not involving my vagina, because it makes me feel it is not good enough, sexy enough, tight enough or what not. It makes me feel like ,to be satisied by my body, my partner has to resort to other parts than my " inadequate " vagina "
Cool. I will ask again... and do you feel the same, the same anger and frustration, when asked to bring him to orgasm through your mouth , your hand, your breasts ... or , your armpit maybe ( like Gauntlet mentions :) or any other way than just vaginal intercourse ? ... If your answer is yes, I stand corrected , yes, it must be just because of the message you perceive ( note, that you perceive ,not that he is sending out ) that your vagina is not appealing enough.
But , if your answer is no, it does not bother you bringing him to orgasm by other means than your vagina, it does not make you feel inadequate... then, as a champion of logic, you should see it does not make sense, so there must be other forces, other causes at play. Which, I am still convinced, since you mention bullies and having to stand up for yourself ... could be about your fear ( very logical, although unexplicited ) of being dominated, beig victimized. Being literally " put under " . Worth a thought, I hope.
As for effeminate, what is effeminate exactly ? Anal sex ? You've gotta be kidding. Reread what Gauntlet says , and it's true, it used to be , for centuries and centuries, the ultimate macho act. As long as you were the active part- the one who gives , not who gets. There was no stigma in Greek and Roman society for homosexuality- as long as you were top. The bottom was considered " wrong " and pathetic - not because of the body part in itself but because of being submissive, the recipient of an act of VIRILE force . Roman history was way back then ?. Not as much as you think . The custom of sodomizing war prisoners and assorted enemies has gone strong, although less pervasively, till... now. World War 2 . You don't believe it ? Esperia, a small town 50 miles south of Rome, in 1943 was raided , looted , and mass- raped by " goumiers " - special corps attached to the French army ( sorry Gauntlet, of course it's coincidental they were French, they could have been of any other army ) and , among the 5000 documented victims of rape there were 800 MEN. Oh those were the documented cases who could bring witnesses or other evidence to claim war indemnities- supposedly they are many more.
And if your bf butts head with the Sicilian mafia- well, don't let him , because the first thing they do to their male enemies who fall into their hands .. yes you got it. And Sicily is traditionally a very macho, hetero oriented culture. But, it's not about physical pleasure, or about orgams- it's clearly ,and admittedly, about power. I f..k you in the ass = I am the boss, you are nothing.
I am in charge, you aren't.
Disquieting message- but , not effeminate. Far from it .
Or, did you mean that lack of logic is " effeminate " ? That is a typically feminine trait, and ALL men, or most men , are rational, logical, analytical, consequent in their thought process , Impervious to emotions, and to ambivalences, contraddictions, or changes of heart ? ...
How to answer that ? :)
With a very unscientific : yeah right. Dream on....
Men are people. They are human. They can be , and ARE, ambivalent, confused, capricious on most issues. They can be both attracted and repulsed by the same thing, they can want it and refuse it at the same time. Or want it today and refuse it tomorrow.
Maybe in an ideal world everybody would be always coherent, always strictly adherent to their principles, always predictable in their behaviours and wishes. ( Maybe - or maybe it would not be ideal, it would be a bit dull ). In real life, it just is not like that. A guy may be squeamish about menstrual blood- and not so squeamish about poop. Why not ? I know guys who will eat oysters but won't eat snails ; or will eat liver , but won't eat oxtail. Are they effeminate ? .
Ahem.. the poop thing, is a false problem. I don't want to come off as an anal expert because in fact I am not, it's not on MY menu :). But- it's very common knowledge that there are specific ways people PREPARE themselves to anal sex if they want to make sure not to come in touch with fecal matter. One does not HAVE to, if he does not want .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didn't say he means to reject me, i mean that is how i been considering it. for whatever reason i have internalised it wrong. i was just trying to see why was i doing wrong when breaking down my feelings, and i can know see exactly what i have been assuming subconsciously, so i can correct it and not feel so angry next time.i am not talking about ''anal sex'' in specific, i am talking about my emotions, that is what my question was about. double standers etc... that is something i consider effeminate, not meaning to offend, men with double standers come across as illogical, illogical equates to someone that is overly emotional, emotionality is a negative female trait and is not masculine at all. that is what i was trying to explain, men who say illogical things reminds me of those women who burst out crying for no reason. i don't like it.never mind ladies, i don't think i express my self well, as a matter of fact i don't have a problem with anal sex if other people want to do it, my problem here is not anal sex, but the feelings i have towards been ask to do it. i haven't realised i was subconsciously attaching it with feeling rejected. like someone here pointed out. which i can now recognise and just be straight forwards about when been asked about it, i didn't like that when been ask for it i was taking as a personal insult.everyone assumed my problem is the sex act it self BUT IT IS NOT!!!!! i am upset at my own reaction and the feelings i have attached to simply been ask that question. not the act it self, i know i don't have to do it, i have manage to not do it for the past 25 years just fine, so i think i will be ok.again thanks for taking the time to answer.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 A] As a matter of fact anus is NOT designed in any way to be a sexual organ. It is a fragile and non-auto-lubricated one way path, and is basically not made to feel pleasure. Anal sex is actually - people would know it if they gave themselves the light pain to get some culture - traditionally THE ultimate offense which was currently practiced all through the Antiquity. Defeated soldiers had to be sodomized by their victorious enemies, that was the act of total submission.B] There is more about that "domination tool" too, that is still known in some secret societies. It is said to be used as a means to "impregnate" the subconscious of some people one would want to control for any purpose that doesn't matter in our current discussion.C] In a lot of countries, "go f*ck yourself" is a daily-used insult, which often includes the idea to get sodomized. Why would it if it had nothing to do with the history of this activity ?D] Anal is supposed to be (because of porn fake world) the ultimate pleasure. Take a little time to look at a standard porn movie. The script is often the same:1) a girl goes down a man.2) this man goes down the girl (1 and 2 can be swapped)3) the man goes for the missionary position.4) the girl rides the man.5) she goes down the guy once again.6) he goes for a doggystyle.7) as she seems to have had at least two or three orgasms in a row (which could lead the watcher to think she can't have "it" no more), the guy sodomizes the girl who moans like mad, of course not of pain but always because of an unexpected and beyond description pleasure. Anal sex is by that proved to be waayyyyy better than anything.8) but the final proof is that when the guy has finished to ram the girl, he stands proudly like the Colossus of Rhodes and the girl eagerly knees down under his testes in order to receive the man's semen in the face (or in the mouth) then pumps full of greed the poopy shaft of the He-Man, forgetting any decency and any bad taste. Pleasure was too strong, anal is undoubtedly the nirvana of sex.Here is how it is, and how (a lot of) men end to believe anal has been "forbidden" for centuries because it was too good. It's well known, taboos are made to be blown away...If we except the ones who practice anal because they think the way it is exposed through porn shows, men usually asks for anal when they have had too much sex in their life. They are dull, bored and they want to "spice" their romps. But notice well they almost never ask for an armpit f*cking which could be at least as funny and pleasurable as anal. It's not aimlessly.Some choose anal because they find the girl's vagina too large, too loose if I can say, and they barely feel as much pleasure as if they could use their "tool" in a narrower spot. In that way, I fully understand some women who say they feel their guy despises or doesn't love anymore their vagina. Because it looks like that, and it's sometimes true.There is an unconscious worry that has to be taken in count too: if the guy suddenly discovers that he feels more pleasure with anal than with vaginal (that's not rare) every romps risk to become anal sessions. If that what a girl really wants things to be, nobody has the right to forbid it to her or tell anything against that. Yet it can be a concerned, as well as men who like only blowjobs. That's not satisfying, except for himself.Note: we could have talked about the similarity between anal sex and clitoris excision practised in some african countries, in order to give men the exclusivity of joy in sex. Some (a lot of ?) men considering male pleasure as legitimate while female pleasure is supposed to be the root of evil (evil = their own insecurity, but that's another discussion).To sum up: if you don't want to have anal because you consider it degrading (considering what has been told above), that's your respectable choice. Regular sex is vaginal as it is basically designed to make babies. Everything else is optional and has to be practiced by mutual agreement (regular sex too, but for it, it's more a question of frequency than of dignity).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 February 2014):
I am not sure I understand what you mean... if you are not a fan of anal sex and you don't want to do it for ehatever reasons, you are in good numerous company ... but why does it have to feel like a rejection of your vagina ?..
I don't want to risk becoming too graphic here, but... if he wants you to give him oral sex, you get mad too ? Do you feel that if he wants your mouth, then he rejects your vagina ?... and if he wants you to satisfy him with your hand ? Or your breasts ? etc.etc.
I think that a guy may be enthusiastic about your vagina- but, perhaps, ALSO about other orifices , or body parts of yours. If you don't like a specific sexual act, you are absolutely free to refuse it, of course. that does not mean that , if HE likes it, he is a pervert or a vagina-hater.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): "And in my experience it is most guys. I find those traits effeminate there for when I see a man I am suppouse to be attracted to using mannerism that is not acquired gender ways it turns me right off." Wait, are you saying anal sex emasculate men because it's usually an act that homosexual men engage in? You might find that as logical, but it really isn't. You're thinking gay guys are feminine, which is stereotypical. Maybe common in some pool of the gay population, but by no means a "logical" conclusion - an erroneous blanket statement is more accurate. Don't have anal sex because you don't want it. That should be your reason. Not because anal sex is illogical. By your logic and practicality, because semen carries some nutritional value, there is good reason to swallow it or massage it into your skin - OK, maybe not - but don't do anything you find uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 February 2014):
but when you break it down logically, it's not like asking to sleep with with him using another penis. it's not the same thing because another penis means another man. he's not asking for another woman. he's still wanting YOU. he's just asking to explore a different part of you. so there's the difference, logically speaking.
i don't at all think it means your vagina isn't good enough, or it's a rejection of it. i feel pretty confident he's pretty happy with that. i think what he's asking for is just something new to spice things up or just to try something different. say, for example, if you ever asked him to use a vibrator or dildo on you. it's not because you're tired of his penis or you reject it, is it? it just means you are wanting to try different things.
i would try to think about it this way, and try not to view it so negatively.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Cindycare if they are not bias then they might just get away with logically convincing me, I have had sexual parters that were more than confortable with bodily fluids, none squimish in and out of the bedroom and i can understand why a person like that wouldn't have a problem with passing feces to get in the anus.So i was talking about from my experience, which is the only indication i have. And in my experience it is most guys. I find those traits effeminate there for when I see a man I am suppouse to be attracted to using mannerism that is not acquired gender ways it turns me right off.Since this currant boyfriend of mine has never asked before. I have to go with the idea that anal feels like a rejection of my vagina. It makes sense actually. At the end of the day i don't ask him to sex me with a different penis, not that he could lolThank you very much for your responses, i think i have come to the conclusion that is more common than i thought it was. Which makes me feel less ubnormal.Thanks!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): It gets on my nerves as well. It's like saying the normal way isn't good enough.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 February 2014):
 I'm not sure why you choose the passive-aggressive way of saying no, thanks I don't want your penis up my bum.
My guess would be, like the first anon said, because you have already declined trying it before.
Instead of using the method you use now (and that doesn't quite feel right to you) - just say no, I have no interest in anal.
I have no interest in trying it or discussing it further.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 February 2014):
I am too a big enemy of illogical, but logic can't be based on faulty premises, and your premises are faulty because you generalize your personal experience and make it universal.
For instance, in all my life I have met ONE man who was freaked out by menstrual blood, and NONE who did not want to kiss after oral. Not to say that my experience is truer than yours - it's just different- but enough to show that saying " ALL men are squeamish and uptight, so all men should be disgusted by anal sex " is a phallacy.
Anyway, I think that your strong reaction might be caused not by the aasault to logic, but by your need , past or present, to stand up to bullies. If there have been, or you have feared, situations in which you have felt bullied , victimized, disempowered, it makes sense that you feel a natural, and enraged, adversion, for a sexual act which is all about dominance of the man and submission of the woman. That there are women who like this sexual act, and perform it freely and willingly, does not deny that the receiver of anal sex has a passive, submissive, subservient role. That there's a " top " and a " bottom " is more evident , and relevant, psychologically , in anal sex than in vaginal intercourse .
Maybe what enrages you is the idea that there is someone who would enjoy, for his own pleasure, to put you under, to dominate you --- same as it happened with your bullies. I.e., it's not the act itself, but what it symbolizes for you.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 February 2014):
it seems to me that it could perhaps be related to a couple of reasons. first, that you know for a FACT they would never be game with you shoving something up their ass. so why the hell should they expect to shove something up yours??
and second, because you may consider it degrading.
i'm gay, but if i weren't, the thing that would piss me off most if a guy suggested anal would be the fact that they would be asking me to do something for them that they would never be willing to do if the rolls were reversed.
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A
female
reader, yanna58 +, writes (6 February 2014):
Don't overthink this. You think anal sex is nasty and you are mad when someone suggests it because there are so many more satisfying ways for a man and a woman to be intimate. Anal sex is usually about a guy checking a box off of his sexual to-do list, it is not about pleasing the woman. Trust me, most, not all, but most women feel the same way as you do. Your reaction isn't as bizarre as you think it is. You want sex to be pleasing to you and anal is not pleasing or pleasant for most women. That's all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): I don't know what's in your head but I'm pretty annoyed at several exes and my current (admittedly wonderful) boyfriend for suggesting anal. It's because I said no. En-Oh. Not interested. Yet, they kept (and keep) persisting "Oh, just let me stick it in" "Don't knock it 'till you try it" "How about if I use almond oil and just put a pinky in there? I'll go slow and gentle, I'll stop if you tell me to. I'll lick your ass first" "Thought you were open-minded" "Huh. Pretty funny coming from someone who preaches gay rights to marry/adopt kids/breathe our oxygen" "Just try it once, if you don't like it, we don't have to do it again (riiiiiight. I've 'tried' it with other things and then it was because I just 'thought' i wasn't into it. or because i wanted to be 'right' or because i just wanted to 'assert myself' and 'call the shots' because i was 'entitled' or i needed to try (whatever 'it' was) differently or better or whatever. and then since i'd done it before i must have liked it so why not do it some more? i did it with others, why not do it with (insert whichever boyfriend). Seriously!?1. I have NOTHING against anal. For other people. 2. I.am.not.interested. 3. I said no. Shouldn't that be the end (no pun intended) of conversation?4. I so much as SUGGEST that I stick something in HIS ass and I get chewed out or dumped5. It's the ultimate act of dominance and submission. For me? Uh-uhAny of those sound familiar to you? If so, that could be why it pisses you off.
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