A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for the responses in advance. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 4 years now. We live together. She is ready to graduate with her masters degree and I have recently graduated with my bachelors (I was not accepted into graduate school, though I still plan on going elsewhere if possible). My issue is that every time we get into arguments, she holds her masters degree over my head and says that I am dumb, stupid, etc. It drives me insane, because I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. She also NEVER respects anything I say or do. Anytime we get into arguments she just bulldozes me. She is the master of twisting things in her favor. Even things that she clearly starts, or times that I get mad at her for legitimate things, she somehow twists it and makes it my fault. I should mention that she has father issues (her father cheated on her mom and was never around growing up and wanted nothing to do with them). I don't know if her attitude is just an artifact of that situation and if it is, how to deal with it. I know that I love her, but I tend to be a bit of a push over when it comes to relationships. Any advice is much appreciated!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): I once set great store by qualifications until I began my PhD (and my subject was the mathematical sciences) -- then I saw that these bits of paper really do mean nothing (as other posters here have said). I've encountered highly intelligent folk with scant formal education, and lettered academics with rocks twixt their ears. If she holds her Masters Degree as evidence of her intellectual superiority, then she really is rather a dim bulb.
I wouldn't dump her right away, since you say you love her, but if you stay with her, you need a strategy to deal with her nonsense. You say you are a pushover and that she's an expert at twisting your words. Have you tried the silent treatment? If she begins to insult you for being 'dumb' or whatever, just say nothing and stare at her as though she's an imbecile. If she still irritates you, just go out for a bit -- don't tell her where. Just take off and do something you like to do (biking, fishing, round of golf, visit your folks, whatever). And when you come back, whistle a happy tune. Feign hearing loss at any snide remarks and respond only to things which are civil and pleasant. Think of it as akin to training a dog.
...Only be warned that if you continue to play by her rules then she will wrap you around her finger (at least until she gets bored of you and dumps you). She has almost zero respect for you, by the sound of it, and is moreover a spoiled brat. Treat her as such, and take no crap -- or you'll only be served up more of it. If it works, you'll be doing her a favor too.
So set your hat at a jaunty angle and give it a go. It's better than putting up with her rubbish -- and it's less final than dumping her after four years together.
Good luck, old chap.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 January 2014):
 I say drop her as well. She's not a catch.
As YouWish has already said, educated and intelligent are not the same things and a degree only matters when it's for something marketable. Some of the most successful people have been those with little formal education.
She has a Master's degree in what exactly? Art history? Psychology? Will she be employed in the field for which she has this degree? If not, it means bubkes.
She may be good most of the time, but this flaw of hers is a biggie and therefore a deal breaker.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (29 January 2014):
 I would say it may be her "secret weapon" when she feels she doesn't have the
unassailable argument when she has to fight against you. Instead of taking the risk of losing the face, she pull her "stupid under-educated guy" card from her sleeve in order to close your mouth. It seems it perfectly works (the dart has hit the sensible point) and she uses it now every time needed.
What to do ? If your relation is not that strong and important, you can dump her as said previously. Otherwise, you can point out each things this she-genius was not able to do a very simple thing - like changing a bulb - while it caused no pain nor effort to you to do it. Choose well your counter-example, and she soon will give up using her degree like a spear to pierce your dignity.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 January 2014):
 Yea, I'm sorry I agree with CaringGuy
I would not allow anyone to call me stupid, specially since I know I'm not.
It seems like she is taking everything out on you then holding either her education over your heard or her "father" issues.
You know this won't change. And the fact that she's probably done this the whole relationship and you just "took" it, means she thinks she can do it. As there are no consequences.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 January 2014):
 If she's calling you dumb or stupid, that's verbal abuse, and I'd dump her straight off for that kind of treatment of you.
As far as her education is concerned, never let her make you feel inferior without your permission. People make the mistake of equating educated with intelligent. They aren't the same, and they're not even close to the same, which is why both Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg are both college dropouts without a degree.
You have a bachelor's degree, which is a good accomplishment! You don't need to prove anything to her or anyone. Degrees are a means to an end, not the end-all be-all of status.
In my opinion, anyone who needs to continuously trumpet about their knowledge or degree is very insecure. Using it in an argument is laughable because they expose their weakness. Anyone who has to continuously spout their resume or say "trust me" over and over is insecure. I get an image of a little tiny wiener dog with a bone growling at a German Shepard hoping the sound of its shrieks will intimidate the huge dog into not realizing that it could take the bone easily without a second thought.
Your girlfriend is the wiener dog and you are the German Shepard. She's twisting the argument and bulldozing you and harping about her education because it intimidates you. You're so desperate and scared to lose her that she has you cowed and she knows it. If you ever caught wise that you're in a position of strength, you'd tell her that you couldn't give a rat's ass about her education, and you have no time for any woman who calls you stupid. Then you kick her to the curb and find a woman who will treat you with the same respect that you treat her.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 January 2014):
I'd dump her. I wouldn't ever accept this kind of treatment from anyone. She seems to have a lot of issues, and for her to be treating you this way is pretty low.
Get rid.
...............................
|
