A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Wife and I been married 5 yrs, 2 kids. 2 and half years into our marriage I deployed to Iraq for a year. Things were good till then, even when I was deployed we got a little freaky via webcam. I know she didn’t do anything like cheating, but our sex life has not been the same. Been home now almost 2 yrs but I can count on one hand the number of times we have had sex. I did treat work more important that our family, but soon as she asked me to change I did. Now I am totally Mr. Mom and do anything I can to be supportive. She says she just isn’t in the mood. When we do have sex I have to kind of nag her into it, she shows up like "OK I’m here, let’s get this over with so I can go". I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to have an affair, I love my wife and want her, but I can only do so much. I suggested a therapist, she said no. Nothing works...Any suggestions.
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affair, in the mood, sex life Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBaby duck thanks for the answer. I hear you on the emotional connection, and we have talked about that before. I think thats where the issue lies. Our stresses of life, kids, money, military all play a factor in her loosing emotional feelings. Your right guys are easy, all women have to do is undress and game on! My problem is I dont know what to do, I mean, ive asked. And she says its me and thats it. Ive pushed, then its now Im being pushy about it and makes me look like all I want is sex. Its very frustrating. Especially when it seems like I have to do all the changing and adjusting (I need to be more open, I need to communicate more, I need to express myself more). When I ask or request the same changes in her, its a huge thing. I can totally see us not having an intimate relationship for 10, 20 years, Im the only one trying. I dont know....
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (8 December 2007):
 Why does she choose not to see a therapist? She would have to change her view of what sex is in the marriage, and that a therapist is not at all, mostly, a sex therapist. Changing her view would be from two people having sex, to two married people just enjoying each other to please the other person. It's not just about the act, it's about the love behind it.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  + ♥, writes (8 December 2007):
 Sorry to be nosey, but when you do have sex, is she having orgasms? She may not be interested if she is not getting enough out of it. If she is not willing to get marriage councelling, how about a sex retreat, the couples therapy kind? ( I know these courses are out there because I saw it on Oprah, and Oprah does not lie.) That could kick start your sex life. I think a couples sex retreat with qualified councellors would be just the ticket. Now would be a great time to explore something like this, because she is just heading into the years in which most women are at there sexual peak. What better time to get training? It would be a shame for her to miss all the fun and you would reap the benefits. Find a fellow colleague willing to trade-off child sitting and get going!
From an emotional stand point, when I was younger, I used to want every single interaction between my husband and myself to have been very good, with no conflicts that day, if I wanted to be in the mood. Men seem to have a conflict and be over it in twenty minutes. Women are annoyed for about two to three days. By the time I was in my mid-thirties, my hormones kicked in and I decided I was going to get over being annoyed and simply use my husband for sex! Eventually, there is a correction of the discrepancy that nature seems to have given to our human sex lives (men peak at 18 and women at 35? - thanks a big one...). I have no idea if any of these thoughts were of any help. Best of luck with everything.
Wow, Baby Duck, Great answer!
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (7 December 2007):
 =(
I am sorry.
I could be off in left field here, but I am going to base my suggestions on years of listening to women complain. Keep in mind these are generalities. Also, I know it takes two to tango, so don't interpret my questions as assuming that she is doing everything perfectly. You've already made it very clear where you are not feeling loved and valued, and you are justifiably hurt. So, that said ...
Women need to have an emotional connection. Being a good provider is not enough. Being her husband is not enough. She needs to feel heard. If she hears that her ideas, opinions, thoughts, etc are stupid or if your eyes glaze over when she's talking to you, you severed the connection. I understand that women can go on and on and on about things that men don't even understand, let alone have an interest in. But there is a kind way to meet her in the middle.
She ran the show while you were in Iraq. When you got home, did you just expect everyone to change the routine? Everyone needs time to adjust. Hopefully, you did not tell her that she did things 'wrong' while you were gone. Hopefully, even if you want to adjust some things, you were appreciative of how she took care of everything in your absence.
If you are angry, do you yell? Do you sulk? Women NEED men to speak calmly and express how they feel about whatever. If not, you have severed the connection.
When you have free time, are you parked in front of the tv? Do you take her out? If you guys don't share interests, do you do as many things that she likes, as you like? If not, you have severed the connection.
Without an emotional connection, many women have little or no libido. Especially when there are children in the mix.
Sit her down. Explain to her that you feel hurt and rejected. It is not enough for her to say that it's 'her, not you'. You want to know what she needs emotionally to feel connected to you, so that you can have that special relationship that you only have with each other. When people say that sex is 'just physical' in a derogatory tone of voice, it's because the emotional component is missing. Women feel used when that happens. It does not matter if the user is her husband, the father of her children. I am telling you what a woman feels, not what she thinks.
Don't think for a minute that I am talking about how to get a woman to tenderly make love to you. A healthy sex life has variety, and I don't mean in partners. I mean sometimes it's sweet and passionate and sometimes it's hard and fast. But if a woman does not feel an emotional connections, there is not going to be much of any variety.
So... best wishes to you both. And thank you for serving us in Iraq.
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