A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Any answers from men in particular would be appreciated.I have been dating again for about a year after eight year and I've dated a handful of men during that time who have behaved in a manner that I find irritating. On the around the fifth or sixth date - no sex involved at this point usually, or just one time, usually just hand holding and kissing - they start talking about all their women friends or old girl friends whom they have remained friendly with (I'm guessing both groups are one and the same.) Over the holidays I was fed cookies, cheesecake, lasagna, all kinds of foods that these female friends, in a friendly fashion, made for them. I was shown blankets, scarves, and other items these women friends made them. After about three of these such references, I am turned to stone. I think these women want more than friendship, and I feel that the man in - for some reason beyond me - is attempting to manipulate me. But I don't say a word and just move on to the next guy. I remain "friendly" on the phone when these men call again, but don't continue any relationship.One particularly persistent man, whom I must admit to like a great deal for whatever reason - just keeps coming back and then after a couple more times out, pulls the ol' "other women" theme out again and is insistent on defining our relationship as friends only. I back off and in a couple of weeks he's back again. I really need to find the strength to cut him off completely, but it has been difficult with him. I've grown very fond of him.Am I wrong to believe that these men are trying to manipulate me in some manner? If so, what do they want? I had already stated early on with each of them that I was not wanting to rush into any kind of committed relationship, particularly emotional so it is not like I am pushing them for anything. I don't even allow them to come to my house. I see them at their homes. I don't pursue in any manner other than answering emails and phone calls as I would any friend or acquaintance. I promise nothing and ask for nothing beyond the moment.What's going on and why do I have a huge feeling of being manipulated?Also, while I'm here at it, this one man that I do care for a great deal has a strange habit I don't understand. Hedid it on our first two dates and he has repeated it three times during conversations while we are eating in restaurants.(over 10 months). He pulls out his Gucci (spelling?) wallet, opens it, shows me the logo, tells me how much it cost him, and tells me he would rather spend that kind of money on quality instead of buying a cheap wallet that needs replacing every year. This always occurs out of the blue when we are talking about family, and then there is a short lull in the conversation, one that I am quite comfortable with, but then then., and I don't understand what he is doing. I'm so dumb struck at the time, I don't ask him. Any ideas?Thank you.
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Hi,
they appear to be operating within the boundaries you set them. So its not surprising they use you as a sounding board for their past loves and lives.
But from what you've said about them they do appear a little wierd. The stuff with the lasagnes and cookies is out there as far as I'm concerned. Maybe you are just attracting these type of guys - what type of guy this is I have no idea they sound like mummies boys.
I dont think you are being manipulated you are just meeting the wrong type of men, the guy with the Gucci wallet is a classic example - what a dickhead!
I think when we all hit 30 plus in years we all want to take things easy when starting a new relationship so this is nothing new, iun your case you just need to take a good look at why you are attracting these type of men.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 It has been my experience that most single men do remain friends with all their ex-girlfriends (if the ex is willing that is), and will continue to have female friends-with-benefits until they say "I do". I suspect most of the guys you've been dating have tried to figure you out, and fit you into a category. Are you a girlfriend? Or a friend? Or a friend they can have casual sex with and nothing more? Until you define your role, you will continue to be baffled by their behavior. I don't really think any of them were manipulating you, but I do think by showing off their wealth of goods, which they obtained from other women, they were in fact testing you. If you got jealous, you were immediately put into the girlfriend category. If you remained undaunted by the competition, then you were slapped into the friend category. And if they only got a kiss at the door, they probably considered you to be a bit of a cold fish. If you truly don't care to have a relationship with any of these guys, then stop analyzing them and just enjoy the ride, the dinners, the drinks and have fun. If however, you wish to become more serious with any of them, then you need to set the boundaries, step up the plate and send the competetion packing. Good luck sweetie, the world is your oyster!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 I will be very frank with you. You gave me the answer to what is going on yourself. Here it is:
"...I had already stated early on with each of them that I was not wanting to rush into any kind of committed relationship, particularly emotional so it is not like I am pushing them for anything. I don't even allow them to come to my house. I see them at their homes. I don't pursue in any manner other than answering emails and phone calls as I would any friend or acquaintance. I promise nothing and ask for nothing beyond the moment..."
These men who date you want more than someone who treats them as friends. It's no surprise they show you what other women do for them. You have already told them, with words but, specially, with actions, that you don't take them seriously. If so, why should they take YOU seriously?
These men are giving you what you suggested they should give you: friendship. They came near you because they wanted something else, so they are happy to kiss and cuddle, et cetera, because you offer that at the moment.
I'm sorry, but they are not manipulating you. They are relating to you the way you suggested they should. Just to emphasize my point, read your own words again: "I don't pursue in any manner other than answering emails and phone calls as I would any friend or acquaintance."
The man with the Gucci wallet is simply showing off. He wants you to know he has money to spend. That's all.
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