A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:Does it matter when u have sex with a man will he think less of u if u give it up too early or too late? What's the perfect formula if there is one? I am a quote in quite "pretty girl and highly educated". I've never had a tough time getting dates but I grew up in strict household. 27 and have only had one partner whom I was with 5 years and am in the dating scene but find it difficult to sleep with someone because I wouldn't want to feel low after or them sleeping with me and then not talking to me. I also have OCD and I always fear of catching something so I've never had a one night stand either.. Some of my friends say "wait till a couple of dates because u don't want them to think ur easy" some of them say it doesn't matter whatever the guy has in mind he will do it doesn't matter if u sleep with them on the first or twentieth date- of he wants to stay in a relationship he will... Sex matters to me because its intimate and it involves me risking my OCD and anxiety of catchin something and trusting the other person not to have anything can someone help me our? If a guy truly cares would he wait? Or am I just kidding myself
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 It should matter but too often these days it seems that sex is trated lightly and is like hugging or stealing a kiss when no one is looking. To me it is a deeply intamate and emotional experience that involves total commitment and concentration. All pretence of just for fun of friends with benifits is just crap. ..and will disapoint. While waiting until maraige seems real old fashioned it also seems like good advice. At least know that he/she is the one you ARE going to marry and not just the one that says they want to. Be VERY carefull. It's a once in a lifetime first and you do not want to waste it with some creep.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 December 2013):
Female anon below offers sage advice.
I have lost count on how many times I have heard a woman say "I wish I never." That goes for both sleeping with a guy as well as doing it for the first time. Conversely, I have NEVER heard the opposite. Not a single instance.
Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): I'm 23, I've also only had one partner but I definitely agree that it's better to wait until you're as sure as you can be that you're ready.
Basically…I've heard a LOT of girls say, "I wish I never slept with him." I've NEVER heard a girl say, "I wish I had slept with him."
Assuming that a serious relationship is what you're after…I think waiting for a while is important because it gives you time to really get to know the person without having your judgment as clouded by sexual chemistry. It also gives you more time to figure out if you and your partner agree about "dealbreaker" things. You might end up feeling badly about it if you sleep with a man and then find out he doesn't want kids, or doesn't want to move to wherever, or doesn't agree with your moral/political/religious values or whatever is important to you. Obviously, sleeping with someone also makes it that much harder if/when you break up...
In my last (and only) relationship I waited for a month…in the future I'm actually strongly considering waiting till marriage, but that's obviously a very personal decision and I'm not here to advocate one way or another.
Finally…YES, if a guy really cares, he will wait!!! :)
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 There is no perfect formula but the one that comes close is the one you're currently using.
'A couple of dates' is a joke. That is no safer, shows no greater restraint or self respect than does a couple of minutes. If you want men to know you're serious, you'll have to wait MUCH longer than that. Several months.....at the very least. Human nature hasn't changed all that much in the past several thousand years. This approach worked for me. It's worked for countless other women and it's worked for every generation of women prior to the 1980's.
I'm not moralizing here. I'm strategizing. We get post after post after post after post from 'modern' 'open minded' women of all ages wondering if they're being used for sex. And they should worry. If they hardly know the man or know he has a questionable reputation or if they're crawling into bed with him and giving him blow jobs after only two dates, they should worry a great deal.
What use would a man have for a relationship if he can have all the trappings of one for free?
And never under any circumstances fall for the 'I've been or might be hurt' rubbish. Regardless of how nice the guy seems, or how long or how well you think you know him, or how nasty you knew his ex to be. There is no personal tragedy, past or present, so profound that you should ever make an exception for. Can you imagine walking into an all you can eat buffet and warning the proprietor that while you're prepared to enjoy everything on the menu they shouldn't expect you to pay because you might develop an upset stomach afterward?
What you do today may come back to haunt you tomorrow. We also get post after post after post after post from men complaining about their wives' or girlfriend's sexual pasts. And while they don't complain quite as loudly about their past relationships (because they want to appear to be reasonable) they do zero in on and obsess over any one night stands, friends with benefits and threesomes she may have had. Not that you should live today to please some man tomorrow, but it would be worse for you to sacrifice who you are to please a man now only to be punished for it by another man in the future. Too high a price to pay for something you didn't really want in the first place.
A simple little trick to help you in your dealings with men is to substitute romantic/sexual terms with financial ones and replay your conversations.
Agreeing to remain friends is not a consolation prize to a rejected man. It's a foot in the door. Don't forget that.
No man, regardless of age or experience, will ever have any greater insight into women than you do. So do not make the mistake of deferring to what you think is his better judgment. He is no more an expert than you are.
Keep a formal distance until you get to know him very well. This means no going to his place and don't invite him to yours. No inviting him in for a coffee, no nightcaps, no sleepovers (not even for cuddles). Your dates should be in public places, during the day or early evening and last no longer than 4 hours. Then don't spend all night texting and chatting afterward.
In short my best advice to you is to do it the old fashioned way. What worked for your grandmother will work for you*. That includes being very up front and totally unapologetic about your expectations. Trust your instincts and in your own judgment.
*The only exception being online dating. Back in the day a man would pick his date up at home. This is because the woman already had a chance to speak to him and size him up before agreeing to a date. Not so with someone you've only met online. Meet him there.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 December 2013):
 The only perfect formula is when you are comfortable. If you can't feel comfortable until he's had an STD test, that is completely fine. If the guy is interested he'll wait.
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