A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:hi there i was a builder until my wife found out about an affair i had about 7 years ago. She found out last november . This as totaly destroyed my lovely wife that i used to have and ruined every thing we had. If i could go back in time and get my wife back the way she was i would. I thought i could do what i wanted and no one would get hurt but how wrong, i was LOOKING at my wife and seeing what i have done is totaly killing me. i am trying my best to get her back i dont leave her side and tel her i love her all the time. She as taken her wedding ring of and all i want to do is see them back on. We still make love and the sex is fantastic. All i want now is to make up for all the mess that i have caused i dont no what to do next to get my lovely wife back
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): thanks for your reply .yes your right its all about me im not feeling sorry for my self.i do love my wife and i tell her all the time.but i av tried every thing i can for the last six months .I ave not left her side i took her on a lovely holiday and bought her flowers and loads of things just like wen your courting.So it is all about how to get my lovely wife back i no wot you said about how bad i av treat her.but i dont no wot else i can do so i am moving out and that is the only thing that i av not tried .I av failed to win her back so i am going to let her get on with er life and hope that one day she might forgive me for how i av treat her.and my kids Thank you all for your replies hope you all understand my message thank you .The builder.By the way i did not compare my wife to her and yes i did lie to my wife's face and it was all about sex on the side i did not love this other woman or i would av left my wife i even told this woman that i loved my wife and kids and would never leave them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): "we are going to counselling"This is good."i saw this other woman once or twice every month just for sex over 2 years"It's not just sex, it's never truly just about sex, even if you still think it was. You need to figure out the rest of it. Only then will you understand why your wife is so hurt."thats why she is finding it so hard to forgive me"No, it isn't just that, its far more than that. She knows that you lied to her, lied to her face, lied while she took care of kids, told the other woman things about your family and your wife, etc, etc, etc. Its way more than sex, its all kinds of shit you do to your wife and family and kids."I didnt care for this other woman at all"Really? She meant shit to you? Probably not, if you are totally honest with yourself. And, worse, if she was someone you really felt was just shit to you, then how much worse could your wife feel if you did this to her.Furthermore, your wife knows that you compared your wife to her, both consciously and subconsciously, and you obviously cared more about sex with her than you cared about your wife and 4 children "your family". So, where does that put them on the totem pole of importance?"She as taken her wedding ring of and all i want to do is see them back on."What do you think she wants? Forget what you want, for once, make it all about what she wants for a while. It takes a minimum of around 2 years to work through this, if the marriage survives, and most marriages don't survive it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Hi its the builder who had the affair, thanks for your positive replies, we are going to counselling the only thing is i saw this other woman once or twice every month just for sex over 2 years and thats why she is finding it so hard to forgive me,I didnt care for this other woman at all it was just easy sex as my wife was busy with our 4 children at the time and wasnt bothered,wev been together 30 years. Thanks for comments they are really helpful
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): First of all, props to you for being so honest, both with yourself and your wife. I do believe that you feel genuine remorse for this terrible thing you've done to your partner, and I do think that perhaps the two of you can work to overcome this.
The first thing to say is that your relationship will never be the same again. You can't get back to the past. But you can move forward and build something different and new together.
The second thing to say is that you can't do this alone. Your wife needs to talk to a therapist about her feelings of hurt, rage, despair and the impact that this will have had on her sense of self-worth. But you also have to show that you are able to learn from this. It would be a good idea for you to go into counselling as well, to identify why you did this and ensure that you are never tempted again. People tend to assume in an affair that it's just the victim who needs help - but actually, the perpetrator does too! You need to come to terms, not just with selfish actions you took, but the reasons behind them. Why did you need the attention elsewhere? What insecurities drove you to this behaviour? If you can show your wife that you're willing to work on yourself to understand and to change, then she might be willing to give this whole thing another shot. Without that, she will have huge trust issues.
Thirdly, accept that this will take a long time. People don't heal from that kind of blow overnight. It'll be years before she feels like she's back on track and there will be many staging posts along the way.
Fourthly, it's not good enough simply to show you care for a few months. You need to be prepared to be by her side, supporting her, for the long term. That means not just in personal terms (telling her she looks great), but in holistic, spiritual terms (making sure she is not snowed under with drudgery around the house, or stuck in a boring job, ensuring that she's able to follow her dream of being an artist, or a lawyer, or a doctor, or a chef, or whatever). She is a woman who has seen her dreams shattered, and it is up to you to help her rebuild them.
Finally, don't be impatient. You don't have the right.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): If you say things are looking better now it will improve but it takes time just enjoy making her feel like the only woman in the world,wish my man was as keen as you to fix things
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