A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What would you all do? my husband has a recently divorced friend. they and I have been friends for over 20 years. Since his divorce, he has been on a sexual rampage. I guess he is making up for all the "time lost", as it were. Some of his conquests are a little extreme (multiple participants, golden showers, having relations literally within minutes of meeting someone). Most are just empty one- night stands. That's the way he wants them.He is an adult, and as far as I am concerned, is not hurting anyone other than himself with his behavior. My concern Is two fold:1. Lately, he has been targeting married women, almost exclusively. I find this morally abhorrent. He says all the women are adults and are making their own choice - a choice he contends they would make whether or not he was in the picture. He states it is not his responsibility to worry, based on assumptions, about the affected family, whom he knows nothing about. (he says they are probably not affected as they will never know anyway).2. My husband regularly associates with this man at his monthly poker game. My husband said that the guys were almost giddy to hear of the friends monthly exploits, saying "us married guys have to live vicariously thru you". My husband states that he does not share this view. However, he did admit to masterbating afterwards thinking about one of the encounters. While all this bothers me, nothing has really been done against me. The friend is not encouraging my husband to cheat. My husband to a lesser extent shares in my moral disgust about targeting married women. However, he states that it is all just a phase that will blow over. And even if it does not, why should he throw out a 20 year friendship (such long-standing friends are hard to come by these days!)I have a hard time biting my tongue around the friend. We too have been friends for years, but I just have a hard time socializing with someone doing something I find so deeply wrong.Should I confront the friend?Should I try to restrict my husband's socializing with him?Do I have a right to be mad about what hy hubby masturbates to (after all, god knows I have entertained some weird thoughts over the years)?Am I just being a judgmental person, and should I just live and let live, until some harm is done to me or my marriage?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): No don't confront him, you'll just alienate him. Look you know it is just a rebound from his break of marriage, and doing it with married women is his big f**k you to his wife and marriage in general.
It's not right, he knows it's not right but he's hurt and having a crisis and he's justifying it with stupid reasons. Because we know there's every possibility those married women wouldn't do that kind of stuff if he weren't around.
I hate to say it but guys will be guys, it might not be right but he does have a point about these women being willing participants. It's very easy to judge a wrong action when you're not the one with everything to lose. In his mind technically they're the ones who need to assert self control and say no but they don't. His friends are just being guys, while to his face they might laugh and even for a minute be jealous of his conquests because we all fantasize about such things from time to time. When he's gone they're really taking stock of how good their own marriages are when they see how self destructive he's become.
Trust me at the end of the day most of us would take the love of a good woman over a lifetime of crazy sex with tonnes of girls any day.
No you shouldn't get upset about your husbands masturbation, only really that he wasn't more discreet about it. You know where his love lies, and you know deep down he feels sorry for his friend, not jealous.
There are times in every relationship where you fantasize about being single and what you would do, it's only normal to have fleeting thoughts like that.
You're not being judgmental, because you know what he's doing is wrong, in your morals you don't have to accept that. But perhaps it would be best of you put this down to your friend not being himself, going through a tough time and will probably normalize again. If your loyalty is to him let him make his mistakes, as long as you feel that he;s still a good person underneath, just hurt if you know what I mean.
By all means though don't let him bring up such things in front of you. Let him know you'll respect him enough not to let this ruin your friendship but you expect him to use discretion around you and not brag or discuss these things in front of you.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Should you confront the friend?
I wouldn't unless he tells stories you don't like in your presence. If he crosses a line that you don't like while you're around, then by all means tell him you don't want to hear about that crap. He likely knows your views on the matter already so this wouldn't surprise him.
Should you try to restrict your husband's socializing with him?
From the sounds of it they aren't going out partying like mad men. Why create a problem where there is none. However, if your husband starts wanting to go out with this friend, you have a right to be concerned. Open discussion of those concerns will be your best indicator of if you can trust him. He sounds trustworthy to me, but then again, I only know what you've told us.
Do you have a right to be mad about your hubby masturbating to a story?
Not really. As you said, we all have some crazy fantasies when we masturbate sometimes. That story likely struck one of those fantasies and that's why he did it. The fact that he told you about it is a huge sign that he loves and trusts you very much. Even in some of my closest relationships I've not talked about things I've fantasized over for fear of scaring my partner away.
Are you being judgmental and not do anything until harm is done to you or your marriage?
I guess a little, but it is ok to not like the behavior he's exhibiting. There is nothing wrong with expressing that to your husband or telling your husband that them spending time together worries you. Keep in mind though that your husband expects you to trust him because he trusts you, and just because his friend does this stuff, doesn't mean he will too. Personally, I'd do my best to let it go unless they start spending more than poker night together. Old friends are hard to come by, and I'm sure he's right that this is a phase. Best wishes.
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