A  ,
*elsi
writes:When you have been married to your husband for 35 years and are no longer IN LOVE with him but Love him as a person, is it possible to continue to stay married? What is it that actually makes a person stay in a marriage where you are NOT IN LOVE with them? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Kelsi it sounds to me like you may be stuck in a rut and see him as the very embodiment of that rut when he may well not be.
You sound bored of the routine and want to break out of it and go experience life and gain some more independence. I don't see why you can't do that within your marriage. Being together with anyone 24/7 is soul destroying. One of the most important parts of any relationship is that you maintain a certain sense of independence and life outside of that relationship.
I live with my partner of 7 years but we don't work together nor do we spend every night of the week together. Our time apart is as important to us as our being together. There is nothing my girlfriend enjoys more than having a night out with the girls now that she's in a stable relationship. She has more fun on those nights out than she ever did when she was single because she knows at the end of the night she has me to meet up with her or waiting at home.
You had a taste of freedom OP and you loved it. It is possible to make that a permanent part of your life but also maintain your marriage. I'm sure you can start adding more time away to visit friends. Maybe some holidays with them. Maybe even some more holidays with your husband. Maybe now that you're kids have grown up you can delegate your work. If you own and run that business maybe hire extra workers to take the load of you both, maybe you could go seek another part time job to give you more freedom to pursue activities. Maybe take a month off pack a bag and go travel Asia for a month.
Nothing here tells me that taking the decision to leave this man without first exploring these kind of possibilities is a good idea. You may leave him and suddenly find you don't like life without him in it and you may have no chance of going back. On the other hand you could start gaining more freedom, start distancing yourself from the routine you've gotten yourself into and may love the idea of being free and single again or you may prefer the security of having him at home to go to and find that gives you a greater sense of freedom than being alone does.
I say sit down and talk to him. Tell him you're not happy in the routine anymore and you want to explore new things and travel and start really living. Not apart from him but just to build up a bit of a life for yourself, then slowly add some new things to it. Start this journey and you may end up somewhere else at the end of it or you may decide you like it better where you are but you do need to add some freedom, fun and a chance to explore yourself and the world. You've been a wife and mother since you left home. It's time you experienced just being a woman for a while.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 "I would get up in the morning and have coffee and chat with her on her porch it was one of the best weeks of my life. I felt relaxed and I felt like I was myself."It's impossible to get very good advice when you don't explain anything. So people talk in generalities about the person they imagine you could be. I thought you was having an affair with a married man. Other people thought different things. You'll get better advice with your update, something that is more relevant to you.Just by this one important sentence I would say I wish you would leave him. Marriages break down all the time. It's not enough that he loves you, if you feel that you can't even breathe, if your life is so unrewarding, your not being fair to yourself. Staying with a guy because you pity him might turn into resentment and hate one day. Life is very short and very precious. I'm not saying that being divorced isn't difficult, isn't lonely and you won't have regrets, but if the highlight of your year is drinking a cup of coffee then you have big problems you need to fix.
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reader, kelsi +, writes (22 February 2012):
kelsi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat does OP mean anyway?
LoveGirl I married my husband to get out of the house and away from my step-dad. I wasn't really "IN LOVE" with him but he was a good man, kind and funny! We have two grown boys. We have worked together in a job that requires us to live on site, so we are together 24/7. We have done this for the last 12 years. I have seen a side of him I don't like at all. I packed the trunk of my car about 11 years ago and was going to leave him but because our son was still living at home I changed my mind. He is a good man, in fact maybe he is even to good for me. I love him as a friend but I am NOT in love with him. I guess I don't leave because I don't know where I would go, what I would do, or how I would support myself. He loves me very much and says he would go and do anything for me if it makes me happy. Maybe I just don't know what it is that would make me happy. I can tell you this though, I went and spent a week with my best friend in another state and I can say that when I would get up in the morning and have coffee and chat with her on her porch it was one of the best weeks of my life. I felt relaxed and I felt like I was myself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): OP i dont like open ended statements with no details. Perhaps background and circumstances and a true state of affirs should be given....
LoveGirl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): OP i dont like open ended statements with no details. Perhaps background and circumstances and a true state of affirs should be given....
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I have to agree with Code Warrior in those respects too. As far as intimacy goes OP that's one of those things you must discover for yourself. Surely you used to yearn to be intimate with him, what changed?
Look OP, intimacy is important, it is for me anyway but a lot of people think that's a good reason to cut and run. If you never liked intimacy with him then why are you with him 35 years? You need to ask yourself a lot of questions, see why this has happened. Is it part of menopause or other such physical change in you or him, has your sex drive just diminished, has he gotten fat, ugly and/or lazy, or is there someone else who has reignited the passion in you?
There could be lots of things going on here but only a marriage counsellor with time and dedication will help you get to the bottom of it.
Too many people throw away what they've built up over decades on a whim, on the idea that they somehow can find passion and romance again, on the idea that they need to feel weak at the knees when with their partner or it's not real love or that any of that is very important. The truth of the matter is OP you have a lot of soul searching and work to do to figure all this stuff out for yourself.
As others have said dating and finding someone who will be good to you and not hurt you is tough, finding passion and romance might not happen for you regardless and you may lose a lot more trying to seek it. But only once you've gotten to the root of the issues, studied and considered all options can you make an informed decision. See if you can work this out together and if not then you just seek another arrangement. Perhaps he may even open to opening your relationship and seeing other people I know a few people who have done that.
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 That's a good question. Maybe you should tell him what you think. Why would you want to hold something like that in? That's a terrible thing to carry inside. Get it out in the open and see what he reckons. He'll give you a good answer.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 February 2012):
You was in love with him before and you found him attractive enough to produce children. You love him like a friend, but now your repulsed by him physically and you don't want sex. What happened, why did you start feeling like this. You don't just wake up one morning and think "I don't want this guy to touch me". Falling out of love is one thing, suddenly not liking his touch is another thing completely.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 You have to figure out what made your husband repulsive. Was it something he did or said? Bad body odor? Don't like sleeping in the same bed? Was he selfish in bed? I don't think the predictability in a marriage is cause for contempt in a partner. If there are things you didn't like about him before you get married, you can't expect marriage to solve those problems.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2012):
 I agree 100% with Uncle Code Warrior.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 February 2012):
I don't think that people simply fall out of love because the relationship ran its course. I think people choose to guard their hearts, refuse to love because being in love means being vulnerable, to hurt and frustration. As long as you are committed to your marriage there is still the hope that you can reconnect with your spouse and bring that spark back again.
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reader, kelsi +, writes (20 February 2012):
kelsi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut what about intimacy? I don't want to be with him like that at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Some people stay for religious reasons; fear of the unknown, they stay for the kids, and hate to disappoint or shock friends and relatives. But if you are in a marriage where you no longer feel that kind of love, passion or sexual chemistry you're not doing your husband any favors by living a lie. You could try counseling to see if there are some underlying reasons why you no longer feel like you love him. But I can't help but think we just outgrow people after awhile. Or maybe we grow in different directions; we begin to want different things out of life and that's when it truly becomes a lie. Counseling usually cannot fix that, but it's worth a try. I left my husband after 30 years for those very reasons. I think I had fallen out of love with him about 20 years ago but I continued to go through the motions out of fear and guilt. I finally met another man and that's when it seemed less scarey to leave. I have remarried now, and although our marriage is not perfect, it feels more like we're in balance with each other and I feel sexually attracted to him and that is something I'd been missing for a very long time. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): It takes work, dedication, and commitment to keep a marriage when you feel the 'spark' or 'flame' has dimmed. I think its a part of a stage in enduring marriages and can be overcome and having faith and keeping your marriage vows to one another, that transforms into a deeper appreciation still, a closer friendship, and the love gets renewed.
Time to set aside date nights once a week and romance one another. Flirt. Share dreams, fantasies. Replay memories. Come up with favourite moments, events list of top 20 things I desire about you and appreciate about you.
Share with him one fantasy you want fulfilled in a letter.
Surprise him with that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): I`ve been with my wife almost as long. We have a shared history, share in the raising of our children, basically a partnership. I like her and respect her. But I don`t know that I`d say I`m "in love" any more. Regardless I don't think of leaving -- for what, in the hope that at my age I might rediscover passion? More likley I'd just cause people unnecessary pain and end up alone myself. I had my shot at passion when I was young.
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (19 February 2012):
 I'd wager a guess that there are many many couples out there that are no longer "in love" but stay together. I think its much more common than you might imagine. Security, finances, children, possibly owning a business together, the list goes on and on. In many cases its far easier to stay than it is to go. Its a mean scary world out there and some people just don't feel like venturing out into the unknown so they stay with what they have..comfort and security. It takes alot of courage to leave a long term marriage and walk away into God knows what. I did it after 15 years but it wasn't at all easy to walk away. Some people are up for the challenge, some people just don't want to rock the boat.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2012):
 it's easy to stay... your not UNHAPPY your not being abused your just not HAPPY.... it's why there were so few divorces when marriages were arranged. you did not marry for love.
it was a business deal....
you stay because you have children and grandchildren
and investments
and friends
and a routine...
and it's familiar and easy
not bad reasons at all.
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reader, kelsi +, writes (19 February 2012):
kelsi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes there is some comfort in knowing a person and living with a person for that long. They do bring qualities such as trusting them, a sense of security, two grown children, but what about NOT wanting to be with them physically? Not wanting them to touch you etc.?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Define "Love"!
You've been living with one another for 35 years. You probably had arguments and disagreements, but you managed to stay together this long. Sounds like love to me. What else do you expect?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Too many reasons to list. Comfort, companionship, for the kids, financial and practical reasons.
It depends on the person. The only person who can tell you that is the specific person you're talking about.
You don't have to be in love with someone to stay with them OP. They can bring so many other great qualities to your life and just loving them can be enough. Why bother going out into the minefield of dating when you have a loving, best friend at home. One you know better than anyone, can trust and feel secure with. There's a lot more to a marriage than just being in love.
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