A
male
age
36-40,
*zza
writes:I've been in a relationship for over a year and a half now and I'm curious about everyones experience with how your partner or ex partners reacted when angry. for whatever reason. deserved or not.Here are a few situations I often find myself in.1. I'm given the silent treatment.2. Impossible to talk with, given immature answers to everything.3. Accused of always wanting to fight, attacks everything about me and our past.I find that my partner is always trying to verbally hurt me when she is angry. She says some really awful things, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's coming from her heart or she just wants me to punish me. I'm often the one saying sorry or trying to show her I don't want to argue. I feel she takes me for granted and remembers nothing I do for her, while always stating everything she does. I've ranted a little about my relationship, but my point of posting this was just to see other peoples experiences .
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 My Male partner when he is angry:
Sulks
Does the silent treatment-for DAYS, weeks!
Makes me feel like I did something wrong-expects an apology-IE puts me down, makes me feel sorry for him
And that's the good stuff....he also...
Throws things
Yells and screams
Punches things (walls, alarm clocks)
Has a general tantrum like a 2 year old
I think human nature is pretty much the same, male or female.
However, I do agree that if the severity or frequency is substantial, the person probably doesn't have good coping skills, especially under stress.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 My days of arguing are all but over. Although I was never one to give the silent treatment, punish the person and or play games. I heard others experiencing these loathsome games with their partner and it just baffled me. Once my venom was spit, my then partner had the opportunity to say his peace. Fair is fair. But to interrupt or fob me off with my concerns, was a detriment to their health back in those days.
The words of course were coming from fear, hurt and frustration, not getting my own way and or not being heard – validated; they were not from the heart, they were simply feelings of being overwhelmed. I also had little experience up until then in how to communicate civilly and affectively. Neither did my then partner know how to listen, validate and sooth me with humour, as to pouring more gasoline – BOOM!
Today I still have a bit of venom left, if and when someone shows me utter disrespect, but I now limit the past history programme revision, occasionally I do blurt out the *ucking *ickhead name calling, yes it’s true I’m not Saint Aunty A :) although for my part I do use a breathing technique that slows/calms me down.
Funny thing is one of the nicest compliments I got was that I don’t hold a grudge after arguing, as I don’t hold back affection etc. after we licked our wounds. I wondered about this and realised; how my parents acted after an argument with each other. For me it was a trait I apparently adopted that my partner appreciates to date. Make up sex is alive and well! :) Pity it’s not the same in other households :(
Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): That's pretty normal for women who are very angry.
Especially number 3, they quite literally have a specific part of their memory they use only to store every mistake, every bad thing you've said so they can use it in future reference/arguments.
It's only really a problem when you're with one that's like that a lot and is angry often at petty things.
My wife can be like that when she gets furious but that is exceptionally rare as she's a very relaxed person.
OP 1 and 2 sound like you don't know how to handle an angry woman, it sounds like you try to push for a resolution or to talk it out. That's biggest mistake you can make.
You talk about the silent treatment so you obviously try to talk to her when she's like this, don't. That just pisses her off more.
Number 2 then arises from you not leaving her alone to be angry, OP if you keep pushing an angry woman she will lash out. Sure you may only be trying to resolve it or to win the argument, but don't. Choose your battles better and let her be angry, she'll calm down and it'll get resolved.
Accused of always wanting to fight? That links in with what I said about leaving her be angry without pestering her about resolving it or even just trying to talk to her.
OP I have one friend he takes his girlfriend being angry so personally and seriously that it kind of hurts his feelings when she is. he then always tries to keep fighting to win the argument and be right or tries to resolve it by talking and not just leaving her alone and letting her be angry.
Women are very easy to deal with when angry, just take a deep breath and listen to them, they don't mean any of the things they say no matter how vicious (when they're not angry and they say those things, that's abuse). Don't try and talk them down, don't try and "win", don't feel upset or take it personally because you win the battle if you just leave them be angry. OP women mostly don't want to solve things they prefer to vent, they do that mostly by moaning and complaining. Venting works really well for them so let them have that and never try to "fix" the situation.
"I'm often the one saying sorry or trying to show her I don't want to argue." Unless you did something wrong, never apologise, it makes you look like a wimp and it makes them lose respect for you, plus you just reward bad behaviour. She knows she can treat you like a doormat because all she has to do is keep fighting and you'll back down.
OP learn to argue better and choose your battles better, above all know when to concede defeat without actually vocalizing it. Letting a woman think she's right even when you know she's not is one of the most valuable qualities a guy can have because most of the time even they realize they're wrong at some stage but have gotten so worked up and emotionally invested they just don't want to back down. Especially when the guy is such a wimp as to apologise just to finish the argument.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 My boyfriend rarely ever gets angry but the one time he really got mad at me, he kicked something so hard, I couldn't believe it was him! But I admit, I had really pushed his buttons and I was being a grade A you-know-what.
Otherwise, I'm the one who screams her head off while he just leaves the room. He doesn't talk to me while I'm angry and is almost always the first one to make up. I always cuddle up to him while sleeping and I've noticed that when we fight, he doesn't get too cuddly with me. He did it once but I shoved him away and he hasn't done it since. But he always fights fair and rarely ever initiates a fight.
If your partner fights dirty and abuses you, then that's not the sign of a healthy relationship. All relationships have their ups and downs but there are some rules to fighting. Never belittle your partner, don't bring up old issues-- fight fair and don't ever say anything that you know you'll regret saying.
Seems like she has anger management issues and pent up resentment. Or maybe she's just plain spiteful. Either way, its not the right way to argue and you have the choice to walk away if you feel her way of dealing with this is wrong.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 November 2013):
 Everyone fights. We very rarely fight, but once in awhile, it's unavoidable. My husband has a temper, that is for sure. He can let ego get in the way of arguments, and will continue to argue even if he knows he's in the wrong. He'll resist apologizing as well for that reason, but eventually as the temperature cools, we both apologize.
When tempers really flare up, sometimes I'll take a walk or a drive for an hour to cool off. It's not to punish him, but so that I'll avoid saying things to intentionally hurt him or to start dragging past fights into the current one. He knows it's to cool off, so we both clear our head, then get back together and finish the argument.
We have some ground rules for fighting, and the biggest one is to never "beltline", meaning we never say things intentionally below the belt solely to inflict pain. We don't call each other names either, nor do we drag other people into the fight like friends or relatives. Neither of us do the silent treatment because that's emotional abuse.
Your girlfriend has a more forceful personality than you. If she starts attacking you, cut off the argument. If she silent treatments you, go out and have fun with your friends. If she's saying awful things, they *are* from the heart. She may regret them later, but anytime someone tries to drag out the worst things to beltline and hurt you, that desire to hurt is from the heart.
If you two are fighting constantly, then why are you still together? Resentment tears at the soul, and you apologizing to clear the air isn't healthy, and unless you ARE wrong, then constantly apologizing to appease her only rewards her for the hurt tactics. Our ground rules are only the result of years together. My husband yells and I very rarely do. I simply accept it because he is emotional, and he's not berating me, he's merely getting excited and angry about the point he's upset about.
There are a few times in a heated argument between us that something in the middle of the hottest part of the fight gets us laughing. We have a lot of humor in our relationship, and there was one time when I was getting so pissed about something I can't even remember right now, it was so petty, and I was starting to lose my temper, and I said "what do you have to say about THAT?!"...he just did an impression of the Emperor from star wars "Let the hate FLOW through you!" which totally cracked me up and broke up the fight. We just laughed together, resolved the fight which was easy when tempers cooled, and had great make-up sex. No, he wasn't in a Darth Vader mask during the sex...heh...he doesn't even like Star Wars.
Your girlfriend can't punish you if you don't let her. If she's trying hurt tactics or silent treatment, you have to show that they don't work, or she'll keep doing it. You are with her BY CHOICE, meaning if she mistreats you, you can leave! It's okay to fight or argue, but using below-the-belt tactics are unacceptable. Stop rewarding her for using them by capitulating them. They are bully tactics.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): With my ex gf she would do the following if we had an argument
-silent treatment
-immature answers
-General sulking
-being spiteful
-saying downright venomous things to me
When we argued I always would go for a walk because the silent treatment and things like that really make me want to blow a fuse so I would get out of the situation which she would then call me immature for. It is pretty much the same with my current girlfriend leading me to expect the same with most of them
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