A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:PLease someone help me ...advise me please...i hurt so bad...I want my husband to give me absolute honest detailed clear picture of what he was doing talking on cell phone,emailings text messaging exchanging pictures with some women in secret for 5 months till I caught it. I want us to move on after this most devastating incident in our lives (i guess these were emotional online affairs...one after another..2 people a far as I know)) and try to work on rebuilding our relationship and marriage.As at first he had told me he has stopped all contact with them and was caught lying once again . Now I want proof to know he has stopped for real this time. He says he cannot prove something he is not doing anymore. he has completely stopped everything He said the last time he had ny contct was in MarHe has never discussed any details (never wants to talk about it)or shown me any evidence ever that he had told them he doesnot want to keep in touch with them ever again. I have a hard time believing him now. I know these women have his emails phone numbers all details and as he lives 5days a week in a different city I have no way of knowing anything for sure. He keeps telling me he has closed this shameful chapter of his life has forgotten the details as he feels extremely ashamed of his stupidity. He wants me to forget all about it too and just live normally . But he has not made any real changes in our lives , done nothing to help me deal with the sickness the mess he has brought to me. I am going crazy feeling hurt angry resentful and desperate. I want him to talk to these women in front of me casually again for a few times and then stop so it can some how make me realise he really is not in touch with them anymore and sametime may bring out more stuff in open that he claims he cannot provide as he has forgotten or deleted them. I know this is a little irrational may be (I know if he still wants to do it and keep it a secret obviously i'd never get to know... there will always be ways as he is away from home in a hotel room most of the week).I am just trying to look for any little clue to make me me feel better and atleast try to trust him a littleI do want my husband to tell me the whole truth do not want half hearted half truths vague stuff any more. He has hurt me so much i feel this would at least let me get over the anguish of not knowing.. not being sure of anything right now. (i know he met one in person , went out a few times...he says there was nothing physical he just needed to talk to someone he was lonely we were fighting.. I was not nice to him etc)I feel he is afraid to talk to them in front of me for fear of more things coming out in open that he would not want to share .He gets ngry when ever this is brought up he keeps sying this will lead nowhere, will not be good for us in the long run tells me I'll never get over my anger (i will admit i get upset and mad sometimes scream shout call him names say mean things to lash out at him) He tells me if i force him to chat to them in front of me online it is not a nice thing to do. it will be decieving them..(mind u he did not have any probs decieving me ...his wife of 30 yrs... ha ha ha)Now he has started saying it is not going to work for us anymore. He will walk out if and after he does this. i'm wholly dependant on him in everyway financial .He feels he has nothing to lose if he does as he has lost his credibility good name his honor..he has fallen in his own eyes. ( I love him so much but he always was self centered self absorbed ) Please tell me am i doing wrong ...asking too much ???? I want him to tell me everything the whole truth be it nothing or be it anything , good, bad whatever...i want to know somehow whatever way...I know this is a need i always had ..had prided myself how we share everything...how close we were best friends,,what a great couple we were to our friends nd family. How everyone looked up to us ....to him , the most smart courageous person we knew...Been married 30yrs .always thought great adventurous life together so long.. did so much went so many places,had usual share of stress may be a little more lst few yrs (been fighting some... never having enough time together...some finanial stress job loss nd me going thru menopausal issues)..but clean healthy honest life nevertheless so far I would want to give more details but this is becoming long.Never done this before and also have broken keyboard. Please feel free to ask if you have any questions but pls help with some adviseThanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (10 August 2010):
 I think what you want is to feel that your husband is truly sorry for his betrayal of your marriage and your trust by conversing and sending pictures to women behind your back, women you never met or knew anything about.
Although I don't think it is wrong for a married man to have female friends, I think those friends need to be friends of the couple first and foremost. I don't agree that it is somehow OK for him to make contact with women just because you two were fighting and he needed someone to talk to. Yeah, right. What he needed was some female attention and some ego stroking instead of facing you squarely like a man and working out your problems in your marriage.
I don't think that talking to the women involved in front of you is going to go and get you that trust back or to prove how sorry your husband is and will just add fuel to the fire, so I understand his resistance there, but not the threats to leave the marriage.
I think you have every reason to be mad, upset and fearful that your marriage may be ruined, because he has been deceitful.
There is a lot that is going on in our society today that is changing the mores and values of it's people, sadly the internet and technology has a lot to do with it, simply because people have figured out how to use these things to replace real relationships with people whom they value and an easy fix and distraction from uncomfortable painful feelings.
It's horrible and crazy that these things are taking place and it is because people in general do not think things through some due to lack of intelligence, some just have errors in their thinking period. That you can't do anything much about, but you can stand with your husband and make specific guidelines for your own family and implement the habits and lifestyle that foster family success.
One thing is your husband needs to be a complete open book for a good long while and not resent you for having to do this to build back your trust, it is his doing that ruined that. What I mean is you need to have complete access to his phone bill, his text messages, which can be pulled up on line even if he deletes them, his private email account, everything like that. His unwillingness to comply with that means he isn't willing to the work necessary to get your relationship back on track.
I really think that this is very difficult to do on your own without some professional help and guidance. I hope that you will get some marriage counseling, if your husband won't go, then you go for yourself it will help you to learn how to communicate better with your husband, conduct yoursel in a way that might foster change in your husband, and help you to make a difficult decision as to what to do and where to go with this marriage.
I hope all turns out well for you.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Since you asked, I think you are asking too much. Reliving the affair is not the way to get past it, at least not in my book. Really, what we're dealing with here is a complete destruction of the trust in your relationship. Unfortunatly there is little that can be done to rebuild it. My mom always told me that "trust takes years to establish, and seconds to destroy."
I don't think you're out of line asking to see some of the emails they shared. If they are truely deleted, then that is a good thing. It means he's not going back to them to "relive" some of the experiences. If this affair never went physical, then I think you're over reacting to a degree. While I feel that you have every right to be upset and feel hurt, the way I see it is that these people were friends who were there when he needed them. I'll try and explain my point a little.
These communications started when you were fighting. Being on the road all the time, he has little chance to meet people who he can establish solid friendships with. That is where the internet comes in handy. No matter where he is, as long as he has internet access, he can contact his friends. When you aren't talking to him, and he's hurting, who should he talk to? Guys don't talk about their feelings with their friends typically, unless someone close to them dies or their favorite sports team does something that triggers those emotions. It is natural that he would seek out a female friend with which to converse and talk about what he is feeling. And here you have the emotional affair.
A question to consider. Would it have bothered you if he was talking to men about these things? Would you think he was gay?
Because you don't know the content of their conversations, you're left to speculate. When we start guessing about what was said or done, it is often far worse in our minds than it was in reality. All of our insecurities come to play and can do a real number on us. That's why it is important for him to come clean about the content of their conversations.
I think he's avoiding telling you for two reasons. First is that he doesn't want to make things worse for himself. He's already in the dog house, with a 30yr marriage on the verge of collapse. When you hit rock bottom, are you sure you want to keep digging? Second, he doesn't understand that by you knowing what they talked about, you will be able to get the real picture of what happened and start the healing process. Because it sounds to me like the not knowing is really the hardest part for you to deal with right now. You have to help him see that if he wants you to move past this, then he has to be honest and stop hiding.
I would drop the idea of him contacting them again. While I see where you were going with your thoughts on this, no good can come of it. I'm assuming that he isn't lying that he cut communication with them. If I'm wrong about that, then there is little that can be done at this point in my eyes. He's made his choice.
Good luck. I hope that my advice helps. If not, keep in mind that it's just one guy's opinion. Best wishes.
DB
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