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What is the next move for me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 September 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I don't really know how to read this situation or move forward with it..

I went on a couple of dates last December with a girl i met online. They went really well, however I had to move away early in the new year for work. We loosely kept in touch as we knew I was going to return to the area towards the end of the year (now).

We went for drinks on Friday for the first time since I've been back - again it went well, but as we got to the end of the night and as we were about to part ways she said things like: she's only recently out of something, and got a bit 'scared' when we started getting close towards the end. However she said she would like to see me again, but i got the vibe she wasn't really ready for anything. She ended with a 'keep in touch' comment.

So it's a bit confusing - I haven't been in this situation before. Its hard to tell if it was genuine, or if she was trying to be nice whilst closing the door to me. I don't want to be a backup guy if thats what she meant by the 'keep in touch' comment.

Anyway I haven't texted, as if she's not over someone else i don't want to force anything, and if she was rejecting me, then its no use texting anyway.

What would be the next move for me? Would appreciate both a male and female perspective :)

View related questions: met online, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 September 2018):

I'd ask her straight-out if she'd like to date and see where things go; or ask if she recently got out of something and needs some time? You had an opening and clammed-up.

I interpret "keep in-touch" as a subtle brushoff; but maybe that's just me. I'll take it that way whether you meant it that way or not. I use logic, you have to tell me what your thoughts and intentions are. I don't like guessing.

Women sometimes speak in code. They want men to be mind-readers; and get totally pissed-off or confused when you miss the mark. The only way to get a clear picture and know where you stand is to ask questions. Why is communication using your words so hard for people these days?

You're a big-boy, and you're old enough to handle rejection. She will trap you into being her back-up guy; if you don't ask her what's up?

Manipulation is a popular tool. You get what you want without any real commitment; while appearing totally detached. Sometimes it's a game to see if you'll pursue her; while she remains nonchalant deciding whether or not she's ready. You don't have time for games.

If you were really all that interested, I think you missed the window of opportunity when you left. You showed very little interest during your absence. So why now?

Personally, I think the whole thing is a miss. You had a couple of friendly-dates. Now you're back, and trying to picking-up where you left-off; as thought there was no gap in-between.

My friend, people's feelings don't sit on pause; while you "loosely keep in-touch!"

My advice is not to sweat this mess. Just stop the silly guessing games and pass. I don't see anything here on solid-ground. Seems you're just trying not to look like a jerk and feel some obligation to seem interested. If you were, you wouldn't be here; and you'd follow your heart.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf you really like this girl, I would arrange another few meetings. Keep them casual and light-hearted. Something which will keep you both occupied so you can enjoy each other's company without getting too "close". Perhaps activities like bowling or ice skating. Or going to a music concert if you have similar taste in music.

Take things slowly. Don't rush anything. You disappeared on her once and she is understandably cautious now. If what she says is true, that she has just come out of a relationship, then she has even more reason to take things slowly.

After a few more meetings, you should be able to gauge if she likes you. If you feel she does, sit down and have a conversation with her. Ask her how she sees your relationship going. Ask her now slow SHE needs to take things to feel comfortable.

If you want to jump feet first into a full-blown serious relationship, this girl is not the one for you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntDid you sort of expect her to sit ion the shelf while you were away in NY?

Because that isn't realistic.

She was hurt the LAST time you left, and she is being guarded now because she is unsure if you are off to some place else. She isn't sure it's worth it for HER to invest emotionally in you again.

So what do you do?

Well, instead of going by the "vibe" she is giving you, next time you go out.. TALK and LISTEN. If you are both willing to just go with the flow (keep sex out of it for now until you are BOTH ready and willing to commit).

You could plan something casual. A lunch, gallery opening (if either/both of you are into art) or a movie. Give her a weeks notice and ask if she want to join you in whatever it is you have planned.

If she doesn't, then accept it and move on.

You only went on a couple of dates so while you might like her, she might not be a good fit at all.

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