A
female
age
41-50,
*ouvelle32
writes:My boyfriend and I of two years - he lived with me for 1.5 years... We were perfect for each other.. We had our share of ups and downs but seriously we were the couple that everyone envied.. both attractive and totally lovey dovey smitten with each other. Problem #1: He's obsessed with his job; Problem # 2: He has poor money managment skills... OK.. Looking back, I have not been perfect either.. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say I was perfect, but I loved him more than anything. So... he tells me he loves me so much and wants to marry me one day and for us to have kids and the whole deal. Well, I was upset that he couldn't get his stuff together despite the fact that he made $70,000.. his credit was shot to sh# and * I loaned him some money and made him promise to get his act together in return. I have my own shopping habit but my credit is intact... I want to be honest and say that he said from the beginning that he has commitment issues and marriage was kind of an issue for me but not enough to give up the relationship over... after all, it is just a piece of paper and you have to make things work without that and we were doing really well. Thing is that I have always dreamed of that fairy tale wedding since I was a kid and i didn't mean to pressure him, but he was my prince.. I don't want marriage without him. Sorry rambling, but to the point... I found out that he overdrafted his acct. again after he promised not to do that and I sent a bitchy email telling him to go stay at a friend's place for the night... I came home and all his stuff was gone... he was so mad and said I was so disrespectful. Honestly, this has been going on for a year, he promised to change it, but didn't.. I sent that email as a way to kind of put my foot down, but never thought he would leave.. yes, I called him a financial moron, etc. But after having this convo several times, I thought that if he had a fear of losing me he would change his ways and make a budget and admit he was irresponsible. WRONG! Now everyone says, if it was so great, why did you lose your temper over that?! But I think financial problems are the main cause of divorce and wanted to solve it b4 we got to that point... now he's gone and I am second guessing myself. I truly believe he is the one for me, but he's so mad and his pride is hurt over that email that he wants to end things permanently... I still think we are meant for each other... we are both in our thirties and I think that it can be resolved. But also, I dont' get how someone can be so into work and their job, but not care about their finances, hence my daily frustration with this.. Please help... this was the ONLY problem with our relationship.. now he's gone and I am feeling guilty. I really love this guy and feel like I might be partially to blame.. I have never loved anyone like I love him and cannot imagine my life without him. I told my mom once that I loved him so much that I would live in a shack with him, so why am I feeling this way???? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... he is so mad he won't even talk to me.
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female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (5 June 2010):
Nouvelle32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all your comments and I will take a piece of each of what you said to heart..Just FYI, I WAS calm about the situation and talked with him calmly at first... and this has been going on for a while (over a year) & he's been very secretive about the whole thing, probably because he is embarrassed... My theory is, if you are so embarrassed then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! And I don't understand why he is being so secretive about this.. I hate it when people hide things.. And he CAN trust me. We lived together, we shared our lives together.. I wanted to help him with it. I feel that there's really never anything that cannot be solved in a relationship with good communication.. I know that this is his issue not mine, but I don't get how he can just leave me and not want to fix it. He seemed like he loved me so much so how can you just walk out on someone you love... What a mess!! I already apologized for my part of it, but he said he's not coming back & that I should move on with my life. He's been gone for a month now. It really hurts. I mean I loved this one more than any of my other boyfriends. He was the ying to my yang... I know that sounds corny, but he just got me.. he was my best friend & I miss him so much.
A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Hi. What is all his money being spent on? If he is earning a good salary he shouldnt be broke all the time. This conversation had to take place at some point because he is being financially foolish! And unless he gets his spending under control, he will always be a liability. Hes probably had his feelings bruised by your email because the truth hurts! Give him a little space to vent and reflect. He will see you are right in what you say. If he cant see it, then he will always be a financial risk and you will either have to accept that or move on im afraid. But for the moment, dont panic. I think hes had a knee jerk reaction and will come around if you leave him to his sulk x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Well, I may have a different approach to this situation.
Yes, you calling him a "financial moron" was harsh, but if he is going to have such a bruised ego and be *that* defensive when it comes to money, you're better off apart, because when you're married, he'll crush YOUR credit. This relationship was in trouble from the first time you lent him money.
Trust me on this, his financial handling will only get worse once you're married and he's got access to your money. He will drag you by your hair into bankruptcy, and one wrong word from you about it will send him into a tantrum. No feelings of love or "the one" will save you then. You will divorce financially devastated and emotionally crushed, because his lack of respect for himself and your lack of respect for him will ruin the both of you. Add kids to that mix, and you've really screwed yourself up.
You are *not* to blame. And don't go chasing after him capitulating. He needs to grow up financially. Right now, he's off sulking because you actually called him on his behavior. Were you harsh? Yes, but sometimes that's what it takes to knock some sense into someone.
If he goes off into a snit and leaves you for good, he'll have done you a favor and saved you from absolute hell. Never let anyone drag you into debt and financial ruin. You'll pay HUNDREDS of thousands of dollars in fees, interest, and lost deals if you merge your credit with his or anyone else's who can't handle finances.
Stick to your guns here. SERIOUSLY. And banish the guilt. You have to look out for you. All the lovey dovey feelings and sexual chemistry in the world are NOT enough to cover this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): While your actions were understandable, they weren't very well thought out.
Has it occurred to you that once you get married there would organically be a conversation that involved how you guys would handle your money? In that conversation you could offer to pay all the bills in exchange for you guys having a joint bank account. Then, once he screwed up, you could open a joint savings account and decide "together" to set aside money to that account and not touch it. Then, if he violated that, you could talk to your mother-in-law for advice on how to handle the situation, which if his parents have any brains, would lead to a subtle discussion from them with him ala: "So how are you guys doing financially? Do you think you might be in the market for a house soon?" (putting pressure on him).
You seem like a fairly intelligent lady, so as inane as it sounds, you get more bees with sugar than spice, right?
As for today's fiasco...apologize and tell him you were out of your bounds and won't bring it up again unless it is appropriate to do so.
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