A
female
age
41-50,
*utterflyKisses
writes:Where to start...I'm 26 y/o. I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 3 years. We started dating when we were 17. When we were 21, my husband (boyfriend at the time) starting acting strange and distant. I learned that he was becoming friendly with another girl and spending time with her and other friends. I confronted him, he denied cheating, but we decided mutually and maturally to take a break from our relationship. I was devestated and I knew in my heart that he had feelings for the other girl. This killed me inside. We remained apart for three months. After three months, he called me and asked me out. We went on our second "first date" and everything was so much better than it ever was before. We never looked back at the break-up and we never really talked about it, either. He proposed 6 months later. We wed, we have one child and STILL 5 years later, I cannot get over the fact that he wanted someone else. I want to know what happened between them (physically and emotionally) and I want to know why it ever happened. I should have talked about it at the time, but I was scared to hear the truth, even though I don't know what that is. The girl lives in our town (but I've never met her and probably wouldn't know her to see her) and serves as a constant reminder to me - and I think this is what makes it so difficult to get over. What the heck is my problem? It has been years and years and years. I guess I always thought that we had the perfect relationship, and this one single event made it seem so less perfect and vulnerable, and I didn't see it coming. How can I put this behind me forever?
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female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (22 January 2008):
ButterflyKisses is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for sharing your opinions! I have given it a lot of thought. I DO want to put this behind me, but I cannot do it by igoring my feelings. I am going to bring it up to my husband in a non confrontational way. I'm not mad, afterall, I'm curious, and the unknown is tearing me up inside. I realize that the truth could also hurt, but only as much as I will allow it. I might start by saying, "I have been living with unresolved issues for awhile. I don't harbor anger about these issues, but I do want some type of closure so I no longer live with the unknown".
I don't think I will probe him for specifics, as I think this could definitely lead to feelings of insecurity for me. I mean, I have to be realistic, at one point my husband did want to date her. In order for that to happen, he had to choose her over me. That's simple logistics. If I heard him say that out loud, it might not settle well with me, even though it was years ago, and even though he broke up with me (instead of cheating) to do it.
I guess I don't know what I want him to say about it. The more I know, the less power the situation has over me and my life, even if there are things that would hurt me.
Anyway, I will update after our talk. Timing is everything, so I can't really say when that will be.
Thanks, again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): Maybe the brief time with this girl showed your husband how much better you were. It has been fine since, so let the facts give you confidence.
Rather than keep this to yourself, why not tell your husband you know it is silly but it plays on your mind. When it is out in the open it may have less power to hurt you.
He might not know why it happened. It sounds like he learned something from the experience though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): I had a somewhat similar problem with my wife's relatively large number of partners in the 3 years between her divorce and dating me. I had always thought that most of her lovers were much better than me and at times that would bother me. I was sometimes afraid that she still desired some of them. I had a few partners after I started dating her, as she was my first after my divorce. It didn't bother me the vast majority of the time, but occasionally would crop up in my mind.
Anyway, we finally talked about our previous partners at great length a few months ago. That was after 22 years of marriage. The discussions brought back memories of how I was taught to feel about a woman who acted as she did after her divorce and it made things more difficult for a while. However, we continued talking. Our discussions, along with the help of a couple of women on this forum, helped greatly. Both of out thoughts toward each other are so much better than they have ever been. We are both very happy that these discussions took place. We both learned that our feelings and sex with our other partners were not near as good as they have been with each other. I finally understood that her feelings of unattractiveness and unwanted are what caused her to sleep with many of the men to gain confidence. She has always known that I was very happy when I dated one of my partners and now she knows why I decided on her instead of the other.
I do not believe in the philosophy of "just get over it". I believe that it is best to talk about all of ones thoughts with their partner. If you truly love each other then no one should get angry over the others thoughts. If there is a little anger during the discussion, just shut up and hug each other until the feeling of anger goes. This is what we did many times during our discussions. This did not get resolved in one day or even one month of discussions. It took about 3 months, with the amount of discussion going down from several hours a day to a short discussion ever other day. Maybe it took so long because we waited 28 years to finally talk about all of our feelings.
I think that the way Prinstion Girl suggests that you bring it up is excellent. I wish I had done so well when I brought it up with my wife a few months ago.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 It is your unforgiveness of him that has been eating you all these years.
You need to forgive him and then your healing will start.
When you forgive him, you will be able to let go of this unhappy episode in your life.
Many people who are mentally sick or have such problems are because of unforgiveness.
You can try forgiving him and see what is the results....
You feel that a big load has been lifted off your shoulder. It is your extra baggage which you should have thrown it away long time ago.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 hey hun, i completely understand why you would feel like this, but the thing is, at the end of the day, he chose YOU, he proposed to YOU and he has a child with you!!he obviously loves you and he was so young wen he did this. my advice is to try and move on and be happy with him because thats wat he wants to do with you!this happened so long ago and he might have just got scared or even felt a bit smothered - being in so deep at such a young age. i hope this helps hun, email me if you need someone to talk to xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): He chose YOU--he wanted YOU. Imagine how this other girl must feel knowing she wasn't good enough for him. Every time she sees you and knows that you're still together it must be a slap in the face.You were both young and in youth you must see what's out there. Apparently, he did, and decided you were the one. The way you've focused on the past suggests there's something else going on. Are you regretting your choice? If I were you I would laugh off the past and love and cherish your husband. You could let him know that you're jealous of this woman but it really won't help you get over it. It's up to you to focus on the present and future and remember that the past history leads only to you being with him.All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): You haven't recovered. Your situation is very difficult but you need to do something about it.. asap. Before it becomes something more insidious like depression. Clearly, you are not going to feel better until you have talked to somebody at considerable length about all this. I suggest a family or marriage counselor. Dear, you went through an act of betrayal that was very painful for you. You clearly have unfinished business about the affair and he ought to understand exactly what that is. But I believe your best course of action would be to go to counseling on your own for a while. You're the one who's still distressed about this. Your husband had obviously made his choice and that it is you who he really loves and values. Unfortunately, your feelings and your trust in him haven't quite caught up with his progression in how all this has played out. You need to talk to him about this too. He needs to know you are struggling and the pain and your total recovery hasn't been reached here. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Hi there,
I can't say I've ever been in your exact situation but I have experienced feelings that are probably not too dissimilar.
I suppose the biggest issue for you is that you feel the trust in the relationship has been breached. And since this is the foundation of every relationship, it leaves you wondering how strong the ground is that you're both standing on. That is completely understandable. It probably makes you more aware of his actions now too, and you feel like you're constantly looking over your shoulder in case this woman (or someone else?) turns up. Particularly as she lives in your area. What I think is very important is that avoiding the issue altogether is not the right move to make... especially since it's such a big concern in your life. The two of you are now married, which means that if you do have any problems or worries you should be able to talk them over and clear the air of any misunderstandings. :) There is no problem that cannot be solved that way. I know it seems difficult to bring it up now, since the event happened years in the past. But the more you let your imagination run away with you the more you may come to worry about (or even resent) your husband. I am sure that he will be more than happy to help lay your bad feelings to rest.
As a way to do this... you could find time to sit down with him in a relaxed environment, perhaps over a home cooked meal or glass of wine on the sofa, and just bite the bullet and tell him how you feel. No accusations, no raised voices, just make him aware of how that event has damaged you somewhat and you want to make things better again. Of course you know your husband better than I do, so you do not have to do it that way!
The other important thing to consider is that he has married YOU. Not her. He left her and came back to you, which means that his heart clearly lies with you alone. It may seem like a piece of his heart has been left behind with another woman, but his pledge of devotion to you means that is not the case, and she is simply in the past now.
I hope what I've said has been of any help!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): i can totally see where you are coming from . when you spilt up ... of course you were upset and wanted to know what happened bewteen them ... i have sort of had the same feeling about one of my ex's but now were talkin again so thats good ... anyway .. i think that he might of started seeing someone else because he maby just wanted to try something new out or just wanted to try a different change in lifestyle (I'm not saying that you was boring or anything i couldnt never say that about any 1 on here ) but i think that even though he went off with some one else .. if he had the guts to even ask you back out again ... it must of meant that what he thought he was doing was a good idea but mentaly he wanted to b back with u .i think that even though it was in the past ...... i think you should talk to him about it .... dont like say o what did you do etc and try and b nosy if u get me .... just like get im alone ... n jst ask him ... i no it was along time ago .. but recently i have been thinking about what happend when we split up .. and i just wanted to know why did u want to ask me back out again .. just ask him like say to im .. i do love you and all but i ust have a little thought of why did u come back to me after we split up ... what happend . ?if he tells you .. you could progress and find out more informtion about it but trying not to be nosy ... i think all you can do is trust him and hope that he trusts you to answer .. hope this helps .. xxgud luck xx
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A
female
reader, askbw1  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 well, the thought of it will always stay. I know you're hurt in so many different ways. But it's long past due, to know what really happened. Let him know, it kills you inside, once he tells you, just move on. You can't do anything to make yourself feel any better. It can't be something that you should dwell on forever. It will only tear you apart.
What really matters now is you, and if he loves you truly. If so, live happily with him. But if he's back to his old self, eh, find other ways to deal with him.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, elliebellie  +, writes (15 January 2008):
hey hun!
*hug*
well first of all, if you keep 'stirring' up everything that happened in the past you will get nowhere. i can understand your curiosity, but you need to let it go. you have children/a child so if you bring it up you could be putting your marriage at risk. everyone makes mistakes. forget about it.
good luck
hope this helps
mail me if u wanna talk
lol
ellie
xxx
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