A
male
age
36-40,
*onfusedGuy313
writes:Hello everyone. So I've asked for advice before and I guess I'm asking again. So my girlfriend and I spilt up. Things got a bit messy. I said some horrible things and she did too. We didn't call each other nasty names or anything. We just said a lot of horrible things. Anyway, we agreed it was over. We still talk some. Last night she messaged me. I work long hours. She asked me what I was up to. I told her I was on my way home. I asked her why, what's up? She said it was nothing. Then I said. No I'm actually coming to see you! Then I said, actually I would be if we were still together. It was a total joke I made. Nothing more. Well, she phoned me and got really upset on the phone. Asked me not to mention what we had again. I told her to calm down. But she went on and on about it. I apologised to her. I said I didn't realise it still bothered her. The thing is... I still do have very strong feelings for her. I care a lot. I've told her I would still like to make a go of it. But she's said it's definitely over. The other day she came to see me at work too. She spent about half an hour. She kept on saying, Do you want me to go? I was like. I'm sorry, but I'm working. You have to. So my question is.... What's going on with her? Is she just mixed up? I know how guys and girls see things differently.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (7 August 2016):
Dude - this is drama you dont need. Stop communicating with her in all ways.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2016): Breaking up is a difficult process and detachment doesn't happen very easily. You are mature enough to know that you both are playing post-breakup mind-games. Going back and forth because of the withdrawal symptoms associated with the sudden cutoff of the supply of brain chemicals oxytocin and vaspressin. The same chemicals produced in the brain that give people the high they feel when they take heroin.
Dopamine and all the other feel-good endorphins are the same peptides the brain produces when people take opiates. So love is somewhat of an addiction. So it is difficult to let go. Thus the agony we feel. You ruminate over all the good things you used to have, but you ignore the real reasons you broke-up. So eventually you convince yourself if you give it another chance you will get a different outcome. Usually it turns out the same, if not even worse.
You're trivializing the fact you said awful things to each other. There are issues and conflicts between you that made you incompatible. You are going through the earliest stages of denial and inner-conflict we all suffer from personal losses. So you'll start a pattern of going back and forth for quick fixes. The high wears off, and you're fighting again.
I think you both need to leave each other alone and start your healing process. She goes back and forth, because that is a normal reaction. She needs to learn that she only makes the both of you feel worse when she calls you; because she can't deal with her withdrawal. Then suddenly she can't deal with you. If she can't do it herself, you have to do it for your own good. You must now go no contact.
You will most likely ignore this advice and attempt a reconciliation. Or, decide to be friends. You'll end up having sex, and then the real problems will resurface; and ultimately, you'll breakup again. Then the process and withdrawal symptoms will recur. That's just how it goes until you both convince your subconscious minds that the relationship is over. Successful reconciliations are rare; and people have to work very hard to make them work. It always seems easy, because you love each other. If you're incompatible, you're both just a match and gasoline waiting for the spark to set off an explosion.
What she really wants is for the pain to go away. It won't for awhile. Breaking-up is a very painful and agonizing process; and she will be much more openly emotional about it than you might.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 August 2016):
This situation is ridiculous and mixed up. Maybe you both are mixed up too. That said, if she turns up at your work I don’t see why she got so upset when you said you’d come and see her, whether it was a joke or not. Perhaps she wanted you to come. The point is this: how are either of you meant to know what to say or how to act when the signals are so mixed? What you need to do is get the situation clarified. Tell her clearly if you want to give things another go. Explain to her that whatever this is, it isn’t working for either of you. Let her know that either you try and give things another go, or you wish each other well and move on.
I wish you all the very best.
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