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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm getting so FREAKING frustrated.. I've had many many hurtful people in my life. I've gotten to the point, that as soon as someone hurts me really badly, they're gone.. i don't even want them in my life becuase i know that they only lead to more pain. And I'm SO SO SO tired of it, becuase i'm a freaking NICE person.. I haven't said anythign mean to anyone since... 6th grade. I remember, becuase I've regretted it ever since. (i'm 19). I decided it didn't do any good so i would never hurt someone that way again. So when my friends are telling me horribly bitchy things, I don't even respond.. I just ask them to please stop. And lately, I just stop talkign to them. Becuae it's not worth it. It's just not worth it anymore.. But my problem now is.. it's my brothers. They've hurt me before.. but now.. they're just.. the most hurtful. You know how when you care about someone, everything hurts more? Well.. they don't talk to me. I'm 8.5 months pregnant nd they don't care at all.. they just.. ARGH.. i would call them and talk to them on the phone or text and ask them about themselves and how everythign is and then we would just sit in silence so we would jsut say goodbye and hangup so they never asked about ME or my BABY or my HUSBAND who is not even here because he can't be.. and i want them to come and meet their neice.. But theydon't care. They're mad at me beucase I don't want to be involved with our biological family right now, because I can't be because i'm pregnant and i don't have much money to go fly everyywhere .. but you see. we were all three kidnapped by our father and he put us up for adoption ebfore our mom could find us and 14 yeares later, (last year) they found us and we're in contact again, but I can't be going places right now.. my brother went to visit them and he was mad i ddin't go but firstly, i'm broke, adn second, i wasn't suppsoed to fly at my stage in pregnancy.. so now whenver i ask him to come see his neice, he says "sure.. as soon as you come see your family"and it's like blackmail. It's not fair. And he's hurting my feelings and my parents (adoptve) feelings becuase they mostly raised us and he ignores them now. And he ignores me. And he's mad at me for getting married and pregnant and his wife just left him because he's a jerk and he never listened to her.. he never consultd with her, he insulted her, he hurt her.. he would spend his time with skanks and not her.. and he ignored her and she was so tired of it becuase he is in the marines and she waited for him everytime he left but he never cared about her and he said helikes her "as a friend, not a wife" and my other brother doesn't care about my baby either.. I'm just wondering.. can i jsut not talk to them? Becuase the longer i nkow them, the more hurt they inflict.. on evyerone. I mean, why shoud i even talk to him.. he raped me when i was 9 but i chose to keep it a secret and not destroy our family over and it and i forgave him and would go and visit him and treated him jsut like i treat my other brother.. but why should i do that anymore? It's ok to stop surrounding ourselves with people who hurt us i know.. but is it ok if it's our family? Or do we HAVE to just work through it becuase they're family? I'm beginning to wonder why i tried so hard to let them know i care about them.. becuase they're both so selfish and immature and i can't stand it anymore. And i love his wife.. and shes hurt now and that hurts me.. they just hurt everyone in their lives. they wouldn't even call my mom on mothers day.. he called our bio mom but he ignored her. and maybe they were a bit abusive when we were younger, but they've realized their mistakes and they try SO hard to be nice now, and to make everything right and they just don't forigve. my mom's heart is breaking. Should i even tell him when my daughter is born?I didn't tell my hubby that he raped me becuas ehe weould LITERALLY kill him.. i have absolutely no doubt.. i mean, someone said to him once "i'd beat her pu**y till it smelled like a burnt clutch" when he saw my pic, and he beat the everliving s**t out of him. I know he would murder my brother.. so i didn't tell him... but that's kidna inside me now and i think it wants to come out but i think it's also fine beign bottled up.. and i don't want my brother to die..Does anyone knwo what i should do? is it ok to stop talkign to my family? Or is it evil?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): I see what a kind person you are ! I always thought I was kind to my family as well. Granted I haven't had rape or kidnapping in my family but my siblings seem to have self esteem issues. They are hurt very easily, even when I had no idea I had done so. I was always there for holidays, birthdays, I even tried to go to school sports for the kids even when we were never invited from both of my siblings kids. All of a sudden we didn't feel welcome anymore evedintly, someone rolled their eyes or a rude comment was made or someone complained too much. We didn't visit long enough or we didn't call to get the kids together or I decided to not ask for my sibling to babysit because they had enough kids of their own to run everywhere. All of a sudden, nobody was coming around anymore and we were cut out of their lives. They are not frindly when we see them out and we have tried but leave them alone these days. I love my family and miss my neices but can't be treated pooly either. All you can do is try and if they wish to hate us then we can't change that either. Forgive them and if you did somthing forgive yourself and keep being a good person.Just leave the porch light on in case they want to come into your life again. Anger is a usless emotion as is jelousy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.. very much. I didn't think anyone would want to answer this it's bit heavy i suppose.. and I didn't want to sound like i was just whining.. i really hate to whine over thigns.
And i realize my grammar wasn't all there.. i was a bit histerical. So my apologies.
I read the posts and they were filled with compassion. And it brought me to tears becuase i've only told one person about the rape.. it was in fifth grade after it happened. And then about a year later, the girl told me i was embarrassing to be around and we were never really friends, and she told everyone that i had sex with him and bragged about it. The rumor followed me to HS. So I really haven't gotten it out before, or received any comfort or caring words.. Sometimes I wish so badly i could tell my husband, but i nkow it's better if I don't. I mean, he knows i was raped, becase the first time we did sexy things, i acted weird and I guess he figured it out because of that.
And you are all right.. I don't kow what i was thinking. Of course he shouldn't be around my daughter! I think i would've figured it out eventually, but the sooner the better. I can't really demand he never see her, as none of our family or friends knows of the incident so I will just be sure to never let her be alone with him. I don't think he would this again. I think he was just a horny teenager, but i really will be careful. I love her so much.. even as she is still just inside of me. But i know he will be up one day visiting family (if he ever begins to care about them again that is) and i'll be careful..
But I will not talk to him. Nothign goode ever comes of it.
Thanks everyone. . sincerely.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 Let me commend you on what you've done thus far. You've been through trauma's that a majority of us can't say we've personally experienced.
I see this post, not being about your family members, but about you. I see you as someone who's stuck in the middle of something you have no control over. You can't hold everyone together. The only thing you can do is what's right for you and your family. You're responsible for your relationship with your parents, just as your brothers are responsible for theirs. If they choose not to have one, it's their right to make that choice.
It can be extremely damaging holding in pain and guilt. You were raped as a child, and now being an adult the pain from that is still present. First, get yourself a piece of paper, and write a letter to yourself. Do it as if you as an adult is talking to your child self. Trauma sticks to the age level of when it happened, so your 9 year old self is still being traumatized by the incident. So in your letter relieve your child self of responsibility. Letting yourself know it wasn't your little girl self's fault. Write it as if your hurting child self is sitting in front of you, and you're calming her and comforting her after this experience. People I've had do this have reported they feel a huge weight lifted off their shoulders.
You can make an effort with them, I wouldn't drive myself nuts over doing so. You have your family to consider as well. Drop your brothers a note in the mail once a month, off for them to contact you, if they do, great, if they don't, you've made your effort and shouldn't feel guilty from what they decide not to do.
I do recommend you seek counseling to help you sort out these issues, and put your life on track that's best for your family. Take care.
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (14 June 2009):
 It is fine to quit talking to ANYONE who is not good for you. You have tried to keep in touch with your brother and you get nothing but a slap in the face. You are under no obligation to stay in contact with someone who not only is abusive but a rapist. he should be begging YOUR forgiveness. I say its perfectly fine to eliminate abusive people from your life even family.Also: you do NOT want this person around your little girl. he is a proven rapist. I wouldn't let him within 1000 miles of my child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): You have had a world of hurt -- far more than anyone should have in a lifetime. I'm sorry your husband can't be with you just now, because the first thing you need is a warm hug.
We get very bound up in the idea of family. We expect them to be there for us, and to be there for them. And in a perfect world, it can work out that way. Sadly your world is pretty far from perfect.
Just because you share genes and history with these people does not mean they get a free ride. If they prove themselves to be bad, it's not only reasonable to cut them off, it's imperative. It's up to you to surround yourself with people who support you and show that they love you without reservation. Your husband and your adoptive parents, for starters. It sounds like your brother deserves no place in your life, let alone the life of your child.
As awful as your brother is, it'll be hard for you to turn your back on him, but he's earned it in spades. Maybe at some point in the future he'll have grown up enough to be worth communicating with. Be open to it then. But not now. Now your priority is to take care of yourself and your baby. Cut off anyone who deserves it, family or not.
And no, given your description, I wouldn't tell your husband about the rape. It wouldn't do your or your baby any good to have him in jail for killing your brother, as much as he might deserve killing.
Good luck to you.
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