A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this may seem trivial to many people but I have struggled with the issue of men and porn for many years . I have no problem with my partner noticing someone attractive we all do that but when I’m with a man and he feels the need to master bate to other women I really struggle to understand what I can offer him that porn doesn’t . I’ve had three long term relationships and each of those morn have shown more interest in the women in porn than in me . The have shown they are much more visually attracted and sometimes mentioned about how great their bodies are how they are young and hot . It’s like nothing about the touch or companionship i can offer comes close to competing . It’s like I’m just the dumping ground for the sexual excitement they build up in viewing these women and not being able to attain them Surely I’m not just picking the wrong men every single time , especially when I’ve also heard this experience from some other women What can I offer that porn doesn’t when porn offer endless variety
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (24 October 2019):
 Dear OP,
Thanks for the reply it really does mean something to us even when there is little hele we / I can offer. I do hope that you can find a way to look at your life in a more positive light.
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (24 October 2019):
 Porn is fantasy and a quick off for when a man just wants to do it now do it quickly. I believe that most men watch/look at porn to some extent but MOST men do not equate a live woman with a porn star and most men would prefer a sweet voice, a soft touch, a warm, a spine tingling kiss and a warm snuggle with a REAL woman to some woman who has been surgically enhanced, covered in makeup and is basically just going through the motions for cash.
What can you offer? Yourself darling. You are REAL. A REAL man knows that. Not sure where you are looking for love but apparently not in the right places. They are good guys out there and they know the difference between fantasy and reality. Don't sell yourself short EVER.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2019): Oh.... but young women don't want grandfathers!!! The pretty attractive ones would take them for their money if they're stupid enough and when men are led around by their dicks, they're pretty stupid! Do what I do, OP. Land yourself an old guy like I did (15 years older) and then you will be FOREVER YOUNG in his eyes and he will always be grateful to have such a spring chicken as his girlfriend!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 October 2019):
 So let's approach this from another angle, OP
The men that you have encounter, who think it's appropriate to comment and praise a porn stars looks in front of a partner, - WHERE did you meet them and what WAS the circumstance that this topic came up?
And sure, the men and women in porn are real people but do you also compare yourself to supermodels, movie stars etc?
Or do these guys ONLY comment on pron stars looks? Again, I find that odd.
You are presuming that these men are COMPARING you to porn stars and you then fall short. Why do that to yourself? Instead consider that these guy LACK some common sense manners and general respect for women to talk like that. And IF those were the kind of women THEY want... why aren't they going for that kind of woman ( as in young) Because it's likely that a younger woman wants a younger man.
Don't sell yourself short.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): You will meet and date only so many men over any span of time. You can only generalize about the limited number you've been close to and/or intimate with. You can only judge men by those you've known.
When you are attracted to a "type;" you are likely to find similar or consistent attributes. Which one could argue is a matter of taste, preference, and judgement.
Over-generalizing and stigmatizing all males according to your limited experiences is both sexist and unfair!
All men are not into porn. You have been unfortunate to have met only those who are. Lest that be hundreds or thousands of men; you would be an exception. A wonder to behold! You can find lots of women to agree with you perhaps; but by the same token, men can find a lot of faults they find consistent in women. You can find fault with anybody and everybody; and sometimes it comes back to choices and judgement.
Put your cynicism and male-bashing aside. You're the one comparing yourself to a form of entertainment. It's like me comparing my game to the talents and abilities of Lebron James or Kobe Bryant; star-athletes who make their fortunes in NBA basketball. Should every guy who plays basketball feel inadequate? Hate basketball-players if their ability isn't as good, or they can't earn as much?
Girlfriend, be serious!!!
You can't compete with an industry! You can date only so many men at a time. You will have a romantic-encounter with only a small percentage of men in your lifetime; and only so many will be exactly the right kind of guy. You can't judge men by your limited quota; and throw-in a few other negative-opinions in there to back you up.
The vast majority of women know better than to compare themselves to supermodels, actors, and beauty queens. A select group of people among the masses who are extraordinary in the field of entertainment, or the media; and earn a living by appealing to fantasy and fan-worship.
Welcome to the world of reality! Where dating is a process of selection and elimination. Kissing frogs, and trying to find your prince. Just because you're not exactly some guy's cup of tea; he'd have no right to conclude all women think all men prefer porn over real-women. Depending on your sexual-orientation, of course!
We continuously seek what we want and need until we find it. It takes patience and perseverance. Throw in a few prayers, and improve yourself during your dry-spells and downtime.
You don't give-up or belittle yourself in comparison to others!
No! You work with what the good Lord gave you; and feel blessed when you find that special someone it took so much time and waiting for. So far, you haven't found him; but keep weeding your way through the losers, until you do!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): OP here thanks to the two responders who offered advice . I don’t feel the porn stars are like vibrators at all . Vibrators are plastic , porn stars are real living women even if they are not in the room. I’ve always felt that was a bit horrible when people call them ‘ not real ‘ . I wouldn’t have any issue with him masterbating or using sex toys and raving how great they are They to me are not real
I think I would never feel I can live up with to what men seem to want and although the first lovely responded said she has never heard men talk about porn stars that’s not been my experience . Even at work men share their and say how hot they are . I really wish I could meet men like you know
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2019):
 NEVER compare yourself to porn.
That's the same as a guy who doesn't like it when his wife uses a vibrator or a showerhead or her own fingers or anything else to get off. It is an impersonal stimulative tool. There are guys who become insecure about masturbatory aids women use, and it's as incorrect to compare their penis to a woman's vibrator as it is to compare you to porn. Porn is a stimulative tool, nothing more. Men are visual, and their brains are wired to arouse by imagery, while ours are by touch and personal intimacy, which is why soap operas and romantic comedies like Magic Mike are more popular.
Personal solo sexuality is the domain of the person themselves. I personally draw the line in my marriage with familiarity, meaning I don't like strip clubs, live cam girl stuff because of the communication factor, prostitution, if he were lusting after a "live" known familiar person on Facebook, and so on. Random imagery I'm ok with as long as he keeps the "evidence" away from me, meaning delete the search crap. And of course, I wouldn't like a porn addiction that keeps him from responding or initiating intimacy between us. Otherwise, I don't see a need to compare myself with porn. I know that when my husband is with me, he's with ME.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): Most men watch porn. We know this to be true. However, that doesn't mean it's ok. I believe it's actually a really harmful and sick thing we've decided to accept in our society. But your worth is not measured by that. That all your boyfriends enjoy watching sexual exploitation for kicks is not a reflection of you, it is absolutely a reflection of them. I'd rather hold out for a guy who recognises this than be with one who doesn't.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (23 October 2019):
I grow weary of this argument. It shows up every week. No one is willing to discuss the root of the problem. I don't often bother to reply when I have no advice to give. But this one just hit me that way. I can't point you to group of porn free men. I can't tell you what to offer. All I can say is that your thinking on this is non-productive and the further down this rabbit hole you chase the further you will be from your desires.
In the end you are the only person that you can change. If you want to see change, be change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 October 2019):
What can you offer that porn can't?
A REAL PERSON. Someone who is RIGHT there. Someone who can INVEST in another person, emotionally, time-wise, personally, financially etc. Someone who CARES. Someone who FEELS, thinks, exist. Someone who will listen, be supportive, interact.
A porn star or porn movie CAN NOT do ANY of that.
A porn movie is entertainment. A visual aid when a person is maturating. A piece of meat in picture form performing FAKE sexual acts. I mean, come on there is NO comparison!
I have been married over 20 years now and I have NEVER heard my husband praise porn stars. I have male friends and I have NEVER heard any of these men do it either, their wives haven't ever mentioned it either, and us wives DO talk about almost ANYTHING in a lot of details.
So I DO NOT believe that ALL men do this.
And yes, my husband has watched porn during our marriage. But he was "discreet", didn't do it around me (or the kids), didn't constantly talk about it. And no, it DOESN'T and DIDN'T bother me. I'm TOTALLY fine with him occasionally wanting to masturbate BY himself just to get a release, to NOT want sex, in that moment. While I, myself do NOT use porn or view porn, and I'm not a fan of porn or the industry, I have a good imagination... and it's NOT MY job to monitor my husband. I TRUST him.
BUT if I was dating someone and they BLATANTLY felt they needed to sit and praise some young porn star to my face, I'd think WTF is wrong with him?! I might (to give him some tit for tat) mention some young MALE porn stars and how amazing their bodies are - however, I don't KNOW any porn stars by name or how they look. And I wouldn't REALLY want to lower myself to this guy's standard.
I would definitely END any relationship with a guy like that. And yes, over something like that. Because it shows that HIS values and views on women is NOT something I'd want in a partner.
Are you picking the "wrong" men? Obviously you have met some that where "WRONG" for you (and probably many women). But it's NOT like it's tattooed on their forehead that they LACK respect for women and simple social skills and manners. So don't take any "blame" on the "picking" a guy who turns out this way down the line.
If I were single and out looking to date in this day and age as a middle-aged woman, I would take my time getting to know a guy, get to know his values, his standard and morals BEFORE jumping into a relationship or bed.
I'd RATHER be single that date a sleazeball.
In reality WHEN has these conversation come up? And with ALL the guys you have dated? Did YOU bring up porn or did they ALL just voluntarily bring it up? Because that just sounds weird.
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A
male
reader, linux1g +, writes (23 October 2019):
Go to an open-minded marriage & sex counselor NOW!
- I gradually turned to porn when my SO refused to even consider what I needed sexually, in order to spice up our Dead Bedroom marriage (She is ultra-religious conservative.)
- Now, all these years later, she is now unable to fulfill many of mine/our desires due to severe handicap, but wishes she could. Through reading books together on Amazon Kindle, I finally got her to understand my kinks, and exposed her kinks to her (that she previously refused to acknowledge) she says "I just didn't know." I accept that answer, but am still left without my partner's ability for us to live a fulfilled sexual life. 'The things that could have been...
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