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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been working at my job sincee 1999. A lot of guys that worked there had tried to talk to me, but I was never interested. Many of them seem to be up to no good. I have always tried to carry myself in a respectable manner and treat people like I want to be treated. I pretty much liked my job ok until I got a female supervisor who liked confusion. She loves having clicks which get their pleasure off negative things. People seem to love her. I have only one friend on the job. Anyway this is what I really want to talk about, I met a guy on the job a few years ago. We started dating and we shared some things between the two of us that only a couple share. I was good to him and I never shared what he shared with me, but he did the opposite.He has did everything he could to make me look bad and I'm so embarassed.I'm sorry I can't go into the exact details of what he has done, but it is terrible. He has destroyed my dignity. What really hurts so bad is the people that I work with have known me for years and none of them cared enough about me to be there for me. They all get together and laugh and crack jokes about what he has done to me, even the supervisors. Everyone seems to love him.I feel so bad. Everybody seems so happy to hear something negative on me because I carry myself in a respectable manner. All that is out the window.What is so sad is one lady slept with 3 men out there, always talks nasty, crude, and let me touch on her and I never did that. I just dated one immature guy and she is respected and I'm not. I really need some advice. It has been over a year since I stopped talking to this guy and he continues to spread rumors in which some are lies. Every time I feel peace something else comes up. I hate going to work. Everybody on my shift is fake. They smile in my face and have pleasure off my pain and embarassment.I don't like to be immature because others are but the people that I work with have done some things that could very well put them out of a job, but I don't want to get my peace by being evil but by doing what is good and right. Does anybody have any advice on how I cannot let them aggravate me. Thank all of you in advance who care enough to help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): You could talk to your boss (NOT superviser) and put in a complaint, but there may be no proof. This may stop the gossiping and him spreading anything but the likelyhood of it is that their opinion won't change and you'll still feel the same. If that fails or you have done or don't want to do this, then I think looking for another job is the only alternative. Use this experience as a lesson in which not to tell any colleagues your private life - especially guys you date - until you have known them for a long time and can completely trust them. In fact not dating guys at work would be a better option altogether. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 I agree with eyeswideopen. I always advise against workplace romances... When they don't work out, the work place becomes awkward, even if one of them isn't an immature person.
However, let's deal with the here and now.
This is not a healthy work environment even if this incident had not occurred, and so you should keep your end goal as improving your work conditions. Give yourself a fresh start somewhere else.
I don't know how the economy is where you are, but finding a new job may not be that easy. Here is what you do in the meantime.
Continue to hold your head up high. When people want to hurt you, the only way they can is if we let them. If this guy and anyone else interested in engaging in these rumours thinks you don't notice or don't care IT WILL STOP.
It may take a few weeks or a month or two, but it will stop. Because it bothers you, it has been kept alive for about a year.
I tried this tactic in grade five (at age 11). It worked then and never let me down since.
Keep the following in mind, which may help you to do this:
1) People are probably talking about you less than you think. It's easy to assume that you are the punch line of their most recent joke when you feel isolated and disconnected from the crowd, but that doesn't mean it is happening. I doubt that, for even small-minded and immature people, you are the only cause of there office humour.
2) You did not apply for this job to make friends. You applied to do a job and to earn some money. If you keep looking for a new job, you will be out of there soon. Stay focused on why you are there and what you can do to leave this workplace and focus less on what co-workers may or may not say behind your back.
Behave as though nothing is going on when you have to deal with them – be professional and not emotional.
3) Being respected and being accepted are two different things. The girl who slept around may be accepted, but that doesn't mean she is respected.
4) Be prepared to laugh at yourself. Sometimes, if the joke isn't THAT harmful and we laugh, too, it diffuses the joke. We are no longer a target of mean-spirited humour, and instead become "one of the laughers." Being able to laugh at oneself can earn people's respect more often than "carrying myself in a respectful manner".
When you find your new job, keep this in mind.
I don’t know what your definition of “carrying yourself in a respectful manner” is, but it possible to be a professional and not appear as though you are better than others, and possible to remain friendly. While I do not think you consider yourself better, it is possible they perceived that you do or did. This is what makes their jokes "so funny". The prude "whatever your name is" isn't so prudish after all! HA HA HA!
When you begin your fresh start, work towards improving your co-worker relations by ensuring that while you are seen as professional, you are also seen as real, human, approachable and friendly.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Start looking for another job and once you find one, quit this one. You are the perfect poster child for how workplace romances can backfire and are a very bad idea.
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