A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who is socially awkward or shy. We met when I moved to a new town and I thought she was a nice girl, so I used to invite her to things. But recently she has been really bothering me because she is really clingy and when she comes out with my group of friends, she always tries to walk or sit next to me and talks just to me. Like, when we're having a group conversation, she'll try to single me out and engage me in conversation. This started becoming a problem a couple of weeks ago, when a big group of friends went on an organised tour on a bus. The first day she sat next to me on the bus, which was fine, but I got bored of talking to her, because she is hard to talk to and makes me feel unhappy somehow to talk to. So the next day I planned to sit next to another fried, but she walked ahead of me on the bus and stopped behind the seat we sat in the day before to let me in, so I got stuck sat next to her again, and ended up for the whole 5 days!I was really looking forward to the opportunity to chat to some people who I don't see very much and some new people. I did get to, off the bus, but she would still follow me if I didn't make the effort to avoid her. I noticed that this girl really doesn't talk to many people. She doesn't seem really friendly with anyone. It's annoying because she must see me as her best friend, but I don't. I have friends I consider closer, but when she is around I'm really conscious that she is next to me like a shadow and I can't be myself! It's really annoying. I can be shy and have to work at talking to people, but I make the effort to chat to everyone. But when she is following me I can feel that she wants me to talk to her but I don't want to, not all of the time anyway!I don't want to be mean, but it bums me out now when she's coming along to group things. It puts me in a bad mood.I think part of the reason is that I used to be like her, I used to be mega shy and can be in some situations. I see similarities between her awkwardness and my own and it;s painful to see, it makes me cringe to think I acted like that. I can have a good chat and a laugh with people though, but I feel really awkward when she's there. It's like she sucks the life out of me. What can I do about this? I have brought this on myself by being to friendly with her. I feel really bad for thinking this. Basically I feel like she's cramping my style! I think she's a nice girl and I was happy for her to hang around with me and invite her out with my friends, but now she's just become too much. It's like I can feel her watching me all the time, or paying attention to me. It's creepy and annoying. What can I do? :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): Just to add as I read your response. It sounds like your extravert and she's an introvert.Maybe she doesn't have many friends and is hoping to latch onto you. It sounds that she could be coming from a place of being needy, but humans dislike those who are needy.Maybe you need to team her up with other people. Have you got other friends you could introduce her to?Maybe if she tries to hang out with you, tell her that you have to do X, whatever that may be. I'd say if you don't want her clinging onto you then it might be best if you can arrange for others to converse with her aswell.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): Your right to have these thoughts so don't condemn yourself for having negative thoughts of others that you have no control of. After all we can't get on with everyone and be their best friend.Have you ever heard of the saying, people are always mirrors of you, and what you like and dislike in others is what you like and dislike about yourself.If she's bugging you then it's for a reason and it's something in your consciousness or you wouldn't have noticed it in the first place.Maybe get a peice of lapped and write down in the form of a question: Why don't I like (insert name). How can the situation be resolved? I think your subconscious would respond back with a good solution to your problem.Their could be other factors too, as to why you dislike this situation, maybe it's violating some of your human rights or perhaps you feel suffocated.May try talking to her at best case scenario.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 May 2014):
Dear OP,
My advice is to spend some fun nights without her. Call her again and do something with her when you feel like it.
Also, define how YOU want your social interactions to look like and tell her, rather than thinking about what you don't want and then hope she will magically know it. A lot of people are bad mind-readers, especially if they are socially awkward. She probably doesn't know you find her creepy and doesn't realize you don't want to be singled out by her.
Learn to set boundaries and formulate them in a positive, non-accusatory way. Like CMMP said, it's totally okay to say "today, I want to sit somewhere else" or to going to a party and say " there are other people I haven't seen in a while, I will go now and talk to them for some time". That's less offensive than saying "you are cramping my style" or "I don't want to hang around with you all the time".
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 May 2014):
No, you have no obligation toward her other than being a decent person. I didn't mean to seem as if she's blameless here, she obviously has some issues.
I still feel that talking with her is the right thing to do, which you didn't adress in your reply. It seems as if you're letting your own insecurity make the situation worse.
If she wants to walk off alone don't let that bother you, she's not your responsibility. It's her job to take care of herself.
Speak with her. Consider it a learning experience for you as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I know I can't fault her for wanting to hang out with me because I made an effort with her invited her to things. I get that.
And I don't want to be mean and completely ignore her, she is a nice girl. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
On the bus, I was going to sit by the girl a seat behind and I thought she would sit down, but she didn't. she stopped to let me into the window seat. The bus was full of people so it would have been embarrassing to say, oh I want to sit by her instead.
I know this seams petty. But hanging around this girl makes me feel down and depressed. I don't like feeling down and depressed. I have my own shyness issues and I don't want to be stuck having one one one conversations with her whenever we go out and she's there. I miss out on the group chat because she's trying to talk to me about herself.
I am not responsible for her, we have never been best friends, just people who hang out, but I think she is relying on me as she is really shy to talk to other people. On this holiday she barely spoke to anyone else and would walk off alone if I started walking and talking to someone else. Like, I felt like she wanted me to accompany her everywhere and not talk to anyone else and I'm sorry but I don't want that kind of friendship with the girl.
It's to the point where I don't want to go out if she's going to be there. I don't want to be best friends with her, but it's starting to look that way as my best friend has started hanging out more with other friends and I'm always left talking to this other girl.
I guess I'm just going to have to join a group or something and try something new to try to meet people. She really annoyed me on that holiday which has made me feel this way towards her. It might be my problem but she is not my child, so I am not socially obliged to look after her, sorry!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 May 2014):
Sorry to say this, but she's not the problem, you are. You can't fault her for the fact that she really likes you and enjoys spending time with her.
If you need space you need to say something. On day two on the bus you could have said "I'm going to sit next to whoever today because I'm hoping to get to know them a little better" or whatever.
Have a private talk with her about how you feel. Tell her you like having her as a friend but...
There's no reason to stop hanging out with her unless she doesn't listen after you talk with her.
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