A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What are the stages of going from lovers to friends?My ex lover wants to be friends and I don't know how to go about it.Can it work? I'm still attracted to him and I know he likes me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2016): You may ignore the advice you're given, but I read one thing that makes me stick to what I original said.
That is: "I'm still attracted to him and I know he likes me."
You're hoping for a reconciliation. You're only friends under false pretenses. Waiting to see if he'll come back. Most second attempts fail. Then you have to go through the whole recovery process after the second breakup. It's worse because you'll be angry with yourself for knowing better.
Of course he's going to be nice and friendly. Only until he finds someone he's really interested in. Then his attention will be more focused on her, and less on you. Then how will you feel? Don't be so desperate that you'll hold out. You'll miss opportunities for yourself.
Move on. You're setting yourself up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the great responses.Here is what happened today- we had a long talk and he thanked me for being there for him. He has some family issues and I have been listening and offering help and advice.
I'm beginning to trust that he might just want to be friends. To talk and laugh, that kind of a thing.
He has also met someone and after today I'm open to think that from now on it might just be platonic.
When a guy says, thank you for being a friend, that's strictly platonic, right? Do I have anything to worry about?
He still does things for me like texting me his favorite song of the week or interesting article but the fact that he called a friend means something. Am I being naive?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 February 2016):
 Here's how it works:
1. The two of you get close enough to be intimate ("lovers")....
2. One of you decides that you're not quite so enchanted (with the other) as you thought you were.... and that person...
3. Suggests that the two of you can "be friends".... If'n it's the guy... he next proposes that the two of you can be "friends"... and STILL share sex.... (It's called "friends with benefits")....
For guys, that's the Nirvana of a "relationship" with a girl... sex, without ANY (sort of) committment.... Soooo,
... he can go off and look for that NEXT woman who will fall victim to his wiles...and MIGHT consent to be ANOTHER of his "friends with benefits"....
Is this clear? If not, let me know....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2016):
 my ex husband and I parted very amicably. We are friendly. I like his wife. We see them twice a year at an event both couples attend.
I will sit and play a game with him or his wife and he with me or my husband.
We keep up on facebook and when we run into each other get along just fine.
When we first split up we were in touch more frequently.
Do I consider him a friend. NO
DO I call him just to chat? NO
we used to meet for lunch now and then... that stopped... it just does not work well.
of course when we split up there was NO desire by either of us to get back together.
IF there is still an attraction it may fade with time but every time you see him it will be like pouring salt in your wound.
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A
female
reader, weareinfinite  +, writes (19 February 2016):
I don't think that lovers to friends ever works very well. I have tried it before and there is always some kind of unfinished business there.
If you are single I think you will find it hard to move on from him in this kind of situation. If you're in a relationship.. well, just be careful you aren't playing with fire either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the record, I want to be friends too. Is it even possible to continue talking, seeing each other in a group, and waiting for the attraction to go away?
Can it go away if we don't hang out one on one?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2016):
I have never seen it work where former partners/lovers can become good friends.
Friendly...yes
Civil....yes
but FRIENDS... actual friends... rarely works
and like WiseOwle said if you still have feelings for him it will never work.
just say no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): If you're still attracted to him? No, you cannot be friends.
You both have entirely different motives behind maintaining the connection between you. He wants a friendly, but remote, connection that is supposedly platonic. He wants the freedom to see other women.
Ask yourself, will his seeing other women bother you?
You will always want him to treat you as he did when you were lovers. You will feel jealous or resentful seeing him show other women kindness and affection he isn't showing you. He may even treat them better. Then you'll start comparing yourself to those women.
There might be occasions he bores with whomever he's with at the time; and will want to use you for sex on the side. When there is no one, and he is lonely, he may use you as a stand-in. Pending your replacement, of course. That gets complicated.
My advice, if you're still attracted, move on. Disconnect and go no contact. Let him stick his friendship where the sun doesn't shine. You're exes for a reason. Stay friendly from a good distance. Get yourself a good man, and let him fade into your memory. Most exes suddenly wanting to be friends have ulterior motives. Not necessarily to your benefit.
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A
male
reader, atomic2016  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 I dont think there are stages for lovers to friends but rather friends to lovers scenario would definitely work.
To change the perspective you see a "once lover" to a "now friend",is really quite a challenge.
Ok,since he is your Ex does he have anyone else he is seeing and do you also have anyone you are seeing at the moment?Take that into mind hey,cos if any of you do how will your partners respond.
I would suggest you sit down both of you and discuss some of these issues.From what you wrote wrote I gather there is still some chemistry between the two of you so my suggestion is,if there are no other strings you are attached to at this moment why not.Light the match and who knows you might light up a candle that can really burn.Enjoy the spark whilst you still can
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 Why would you accept friendship when you want more?
Why does he want to be friends if he 'likes' you?
You ask if it can work, I think as long as you are still attracted to him that you will always be wanting more than friendship. Why put yourself through that, it will be very difficult to move on and for your attraction to fade while he is in your life in capacity of friend.
You've said he wants to be friends, what do YOU want?
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