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What are some warning signs I should look out for when dating?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 June 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 21 June 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

what are some warning signs/ red flags I should watch out for when getting into a relationship? I was in a short term relationship with a guy months ago that I got re- introduced with friends. There was a mutual attraction and I was very excited because ( I don't date a lot) I've tried literally (online) this that and nothing works and I don't feel comfortable having sex with many people.

Anyway on the third date he asked me to be exclusive just a month in which I though was great cause I like that idea. He seemed great first month - sweet texts- picked me up- I cooked meals - we did most activities he wanted - his friends were always over so I put up with that - and he even introduced me to his family cause they always hang around each other( I on the other hand did not cause it was month 3).

It moved fast and month 6 I started wanting to want to spend more time with him( I voiced my opinion) - he ended through a text! Refused to pick up my clothes - threw my stuff I forgot in his car - and when I was crying on the phone asking him at least try to give me some clarity - it was just look I've got bills I've got loans - we don't have much in common - bye type of attitude.

This has shaken me up a bit- I have not dated - I never did anything wrong to this man and I can't wrap my mind on how Someone can be so cruel to a person that they choose to want to be exclusive and they choose to date- it's not like I was the one who initiated anything and if anything we did what he wanted - it's not like I asked for anything.

Is there warning signs - I'm entering my 30"s and I realize my heart can't take this anymore - it's shaken me- I know te not a big deal - I was verbally absused before by my first bf but this hurts more

If anyone has tips in re - entering dating or maybe seeing how I can avoid this - please let me know

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017):

I don't think there's any warning signs you could have picked up on here to be honest, apart from the fact that things maybe moved slightly fast-you were just really, really unlucky,the chances of you being that unlucky next time are quite small.

Red flags I've noticed in my own dating life for future reference: If, in the early days a guy says out of the blue that he doesn't hit women that = woman beater

If a guy announces out of the blue that his ex wife/gf was an escort/stripper that = either she was or more likely he's a wannabe pimp trying to gage your reaction to sex work

If a guy denies something you haven't accused him of yet ie announces that he's not cheating when you simply commented that he's late for dinner = guilty conscience

If a guy has an ex he's always banging on about or a crazy ex/crazy babymomma that = still involved with said crazy ex/married

going through your phone is bad, even if you've done something that looks suspicious as is punching walls-if he hits the wall when you're arguing, he'll hit you one day,acting like he's super keen very early on and asking you to marry him/ have a baby/ move in very soon are all bad signs and they always say watch how he treats other people when you're out together-see of he treats the waitress/ cab driver with respect or if he's rude to people

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 June 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I think I remember your story from previous posts , but , in case I were mixing you up with other posters, what I am going to say also applies to your current post :

I don't think this is a matter of red flags and warning signs , exactly. It is simply a matter of wanting to make a square peg fit in a round hole- and then getting offended when it does not.

There are red flags that one must recognize to stay away from abusers / serial cheaters / substance addicts etc., but in your case it sounds to me that quite simply you and this guy had different needs and different ideas about what a relationship should be and should entail-

If he does not want the same things that you want he is not necessarily a monster or a cruel person- he is someone who thought it could work , hence his being proactive, then he found out that you do not fit with his desires and lifestyle, and he pulled back. Lack of compatibility. Sad, but it happens . What was he supposed to do, stay with you just because you were nice to him and never did him any harm ? That would make you a nice person, but not necessarily someone a compatible, desirable partner in his eyes.

Mind you, I am not even saying that what you wanted is wrong . You wanted more time with him, more attention, more one-on-one... all pretty normal stuff. But, it's simpler and easier if you look for someone who enjoys closeness and togetherness at the same level you do, and puts your relationship first same as you do - rather than if you try to shove these things down the throat of someone who does not appreciate them.

This guy told you, he can't/ won't do " relationship " the way you wanted , because he's got bills , he's got loans. Not such a bad idea, you know, taking care of business first and doing romance after. Next time, it's easier if you choose someone less financially encumbered, who does not need to devote lots of time ro work / money worries .

This guy is also a very social type and very close to his family. He likes to be surrounded by his friends and relatives. Too much ?. Possibly. I am more like you and I never liked to be much involved with in laws or to attend lots of family events, but that's me ; if someone likes this stuff, he is not wrong, he is just wrong for you.

You may complain that you compromised a lot, by doing all what he wanted, and which you did not want, and he did not compromise even a bit. Too bad for you. Your choice.

Sure, this was an indicator that he was not as invested and interested in the relationship as you were, but realizing this and staying, alas, that was your mistake. If you don't get what you want from a man, and if you feel you are doing all the giving and the compromising while he is doing none- then leave him !, do not try to reform him.

This way, it's like you were so nice and docile and compliant - with strings attached. You disregarded your needs, to cater to his, not because you wanted to, or because you thought it was the right thing to do- but because you were trying to ingratiate yourself to him, and to " buy " his love by being a bit of a doormat. Alas it never works. They should like you more, right ?, for being so undemanding and self effacing- and instead they like you LESS because they lose respect for people who do not respect themselves enough to be true to their real needs.

Plus, by being super nice and super unchallenging, maybe you can get gratitude some times- but surely not love .

Probably this guy thinks that you are a nice person, because you ARE, but - being nice not necessarily has got much to do with love or passion, or being compatible.

At the end of the day, all what you need to do to avoid misshaps and mismatches- is to know yourself well , and to be true to yourself.

Decide what are your absolute dealbreakers in a relationship, and what your absolute " must have ". Not many; not an arm -long list, because it 's not realistic to think that you can find your perfect match to the very least detail. Just few- but important, and irrenounceable. And then, stick to your list, to your dos and donts. Do not change yourself, do not try and swallow what sticks in your craw just to show how nice you are . Nice does not make you comptible, and it's not a coin you can buy love with.

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